I'm scared to hire outside help. Does anyone have suggestions?

I'm not sure exactly what kind of help you are hiring, but if at all possible I would try to spin it as someone coming in to help you/your sibs complete some plausible task that is not specifically related to her needing a caregiver.... cleaning? organizing? sorting paperwork? personal chef?

Who are you going to look like "the bad daughter" to?

Your mom with dementia? Your siblings?

If this isn't working out, with the siblings taking turns, time for a family sitdown or Skype meeting to figure out the next step.

No upsetting your mother would be nice; but there also needs to be consideration given to keeping her safe and allowing you and your siblings time and space to live their own lives. Balancing this can be difficult, but it CAN be done.

Getting everyone on the same page is the start.

The way I got this to work with my Dad was to tell him it was me who needed the help. He saw that I was always running around, so it made sense to him.

Rather than introduce "the new caregiver" introduce Jane, or Mary, or Bill, or Pritti, or whoever the nice person is who has come to keep us company. These people aren't plumbers or doctors, they're individuals who will need to form a human relationship with your mother to do their job - so let your mother see them as such. If your mother asks directly "but what is she/he doing here?" you can answer truthfully that they have come to help you.

You need this time or you will break. Take courage, and enjoy the respite!

Getting outside help to come in and provide 24/7 care for a person with significant dementia, who is resistant or not open to outside workers.....that's very challenging. Cwillie has some good ideas. Of course, it's more involved that that. I'd make sure that the agency is aware that there can be no gaps in time. What if someone is late or gets sick.....it's so risky. I'd really read the fine print on your contract.

With dementia, sadly, it's really the providing of care that has to take first priority and often you can't avoid the person being resistant, hostile, nasty or unhappy. I would work as much as possible to make it smooth, but, that's not always possible. I'd just develop a tough skin.

There are also some techniques on how to work with people who have dementia on You Tube. Look for the Teepa Snow videos on Dementia. She has some good and practical ideas. I hope you can find something that is helpful.

It is usually difficult to provide 24-hour care for a person with dementia in a private home (because of the risk of gaps) and it is also expensive. Are you and your sibs considering a care center at all?

I recall someone on here was able to introduce a home health care person as "the laundress" as it was a term her parents were able to wrap their head around. The next caregiver (when she needed to hire more help) was "the cook".

Initially, do you think your mom would accept help coming in to do her least favorite task?

Another poster introduced a home health care aide as the sister of a friend who needed a job.

Are you working with a care coordinator? In my area, care coordinators are either very experienced geriatric nurses or geriatric social workers. A good care coordinator will have 'local knowledge', that is, know the local home care agencies and send you to one she (usually but not always a care coordinator is a woman) knows is reliable. She will be able to give you a 'lay of the land' talk about what it's like providing 24/7 home care for a dementia patient. A lot of families don't realize how difficult it is to take care of a dementia patient who needs this level of care--it is *very* emotionally and physically draining. It's very easy to neglect your spouse and your family--and caring for your family should be more important than caring for your demented mother. Many times, families realize that mom would be better off in a memory care assisted living. She will also have experience dealing with the local memory care facilities. She'll surely advise you to tour them (and nursing homes as well) and get your mother on the waiting list. Good places inevitably have waiting lists. Remember this: when your mother's name comes to the top of the list and she doesn't need that level of care yet, you can ask them to put her at the bottom of the waiting list. Another important thing she can do is develop a care plan--so that your mother gets the *right* level of care and that the family understands how much it will cost. Care coordinators routinely mediate family meetings, which is important when siblings disagree. (such as 24/7 home care vs a memory care unit in an assisted living). Care coordinators are not cheap, but in the long run, using one will help you get appropriate and timely care for your mother and save your sanity. Using a care coordinator is pretty much a must if one of your siblings is mentally ill (my brother is a functioning sociopath) and in this case, you will definitely want one with mental health experience. I've used a care coordinator; she had worked for my doctor when he was the chief hospitalist. She always had my mother's best interest at heart. Because she had extensive mental health training and experience, she knew how to talk to my NPD mother and my sociopath brother. She could get points across to them when they refused to listen to me.

For whatever reason it worked to tell my Mom that her doctor had ordered the caregiver. She would be so impressed that her doctor sent the help she would forget about arguing as she didn't want to upset her doctor. Probably won't work for all but worth a try.

Hi...I think you should consider assisted living/memory care if you can afford it. They have the experience to care for your mother and hopefully she could make some friends and the family could still visit her and take her out. Do your homework and find a good place for her...In the long run everyone will be better off.