Allow me to explain...
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When I initially moved Dad to Independent Living, I made a "special button" for his phone which speed dials my cell phone. He took this same phone with him to the Assisted Living side, BUT... I think I've created a monster.
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I get calls from Dad in the middle of the night because his TV is broken (translation: he's hit the wrong button on the remote and the cable is locked up) or he can't breathe, or he's scared... the list goes on.
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When this happens, I usually end up calling the ALF desk to try to get them to check on him. It's a toss up if anyone answers the phone or lately, since they've been having phone issues, if the call will even go through. As a result, I usually end up having to get out of bed and tend to him because he won't ask the staff.
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It's interesting that he doesn't want to "be a nuisance" or "bother the staff" yet he has no problems calling me repeatedly in the middle of the night to do things that I pay a pretty penny for others to do. Nevertheless, it's not their fault that they don't know what's going on because he's not telling them.
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To make matters worse, he will NOT use the pull cords in his room. This would be the best option because it sends the staff a radio alert, so if they are away from the phone or the desk, they know he needs something.
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So, I'm thinking of removing the "special button" from his phone that calls me. Is that cruel?
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My though process is that maybe if he's strongly encouraged to use the staff more, he will lay off me.
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Now, can ANYONE offer suggestions on how I can get Dad to use the pull cord? His breathing is getting REALLY bad now, and walking in his room is getting tougher. I'm worried about him falling at night in his effort to "go down to the desk".
13 Answers
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Here in my State, such facilities need to call the POA or whomever to say their love one had fallen. At least where Dad was living they would wait until a decent time to call. Mom's long-term-care would call me when ever it happened, even at 2 in the morning.
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I was thinking of just taking the blue button away. I do like the idea of making the facility main number a button, but he may run into the same issue I'm having.
The facility has two sides. When you call the main number it connects you to the switchboard on the Independent Living side. They have to patch you through to the Assisted Living side. It's a toss up if you get anyone once connected, and since a bad thunderstorm a couple of weeks ago, they haven't been able to transfer anyone over to the other side.
I recognize there is a boundary issue here, but where's the line? I often fear that the time I don't answer the phone will be when something is REALLY wrong then I'll never forgive myself...
I never thought about him not being able to process pulling the cord (sometimes I still think he's just being stubborn).
Dad is just in a weird place. He is what is known as a "high functioning" dementia patient, so I don't think he's quite "sick enough" for a full NH. His breathing is labored, but getting him to wear his oxygen during meal time or when he's in the hall is a futile mission. He's legally blind, but able to operate a mobility scooter without running into anyone, so sometimes I question EVERYTHING.
He's sick, but not sick. Blind but not blind. Cognitively challenged but not fully gone. Just bad enough to cause me mountains of stress.
...and I don't mean to reward bad behavior, but if I can't get someone on the phone at the ALF (they still can't transfer me to that side of the building - phone issues), I get worried.
...and Dad is pretty good at "masking" his issues. The last night incident, he went to the desk and the attendant wasn't there at first. When he found her, he just asked her for a glass of water. He didn't mention that he had been up and about for the last hour and a half "scared to death..."
Struggling to find a middle ground. If I could get the front desk to answer my calls, that may save a trip. Of course, the easiest would for him to pull the stupid cord... don't think that will happen.
Tiny, as mentioned above, you are not going to last long with interrupted sleep. And yes, it DOES sound as though your dad needs a higher level of care.
Thus, once he is moved, you can use a therapeutic fib and tell him that cell phones aren't allowed. In some Assisted Living facilities, they have a landline telephone in the hallway for people to use. I bet at night your Dad wouldn't want to leave his room to go down the hall to make a call.
I'd also suspect that dad doesn't remember that he calls you at night. I'd try to explain to him that the best way to reach you is to alert staff and and not allow him to keep calling. You won't last long with interrupted sleep.
You might ask the AL staff to check on him around midnight or so, just to make sure that he's resting. If he's waking up at all hours of the night, maybe, he needs a sleep aid. AND if he is that anxious, I'd discuss medication for anxiety with his doctor.
Is it possible that Dad needs the full supervision of a nursing home?
As for your Dad to learn to use the pull cord, good luck with that. My Dad didn't want to bother anyone, either. Dad did have an medical alert which he did learn to use if he fell.
Being that your Dad is in Independent Living, does the facility have an option where the Staff would check in on him numerous times during the night? My Dad had that, it was an extra cost, a tad bit costly, but it gave him and me more peace of mind.