How can I get siblings on the same page?

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Momshelp Asked June 2017

How can I get siblings on the same page?

Hi you've been so helpful, I'm back for more advice. Mom has CHF with water restriction, sodium restriction, dementia, diabetes, afib & other diagnosis but the CHF & dementia are the two primarily at odds. My siblings have gotten wind that I'm getting a reverse mortgage(by the way still having issues w/POA & trust), to pay for care.They are of the mind mom doesn't need help. She seems physically able to manage but mentally cannot restrict her fluids, weigh & BP before food & water in the morning, or schedule her own medications & take them. I know as POA both medical & financial & successor trustee, I don't need their approval. Guess I'm looking for magic words to convey the need to self centered adults. My brother is coming this Saturday thru Monday to "give me a break". I know he's coming to assess the situation. Besides the fact my mother will be fawning all over him & insisting on cooking for him, I'm also worried he won't follow the water restriction even though he says he will. He says he will cook, weigh her, take her vitals & give her meds. I foresee her being very well. She won't be able to follow through on her meds & schedule on her own but the rest she can fake. Especially if he wants to see that she's fine. Other brothers will also be coming over to BBQ, have some beer, that's what one told me. Told him remember mom can't eat salt or drink beer. He said then we'll go out. Told him mom can't be left alone & he said "she'll be fine for a bit". That's not the one that's coming to care for her. Mom can move around the house w/Walker but if she sits on couch 8/10 times can't pull herself up & she can't remember not to sit on the couch. Mostly forgets Walker & I have to grab it for her when she's standing in the middle of the room wobbly with nothing to hold onto. I guess I would rather they would agree with me than be at odds for the next years. It's the inheritance they're concerned about. The home is her only asset. Any magic words? Actions?

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score 9 · Answer 1

Well D-day is tomorrow. I've printed out 3 months of my daily/hourly caregiving notes & put them in a binder. Shows what she eats,drinks,time for meds & activities from when mom awakens to when I get her settled into bed. They started as a journal but seemed to be helpful if I ever get cash flow to hire caregivers. There are handwritten reminders to mom everywhere regarding Walker, salt & how much fluid she can have. The notes should help him too. Actually just him because mom ignores or no longer sees them. I have cameras throughout the public areas of the house & 1 on the floor of moms room. I've had these for years as mom sometimes would leave the phone off the hook or not hear it & where I worked I couldn't rush off. I will be checking but I'm going to mentally say to myself he's her son & he has a right to enjoy her for the weekend without my meddling. I would want the same. I'm going to try & not focus on my belief that this new concern comes out of concern for inheritance. I can only control myself & my motives on spending her money on her are pure. Although the help is so I don't go crazy, that is still going to help her. I so wish there were magic words but thank you all for being here everyday. This place is my support group & a big part of taking care of myself so I can care for mom.

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score 7 · Answer 2

I walked in your shoes. Siblings were only interested in what they would get after she was gone. I spent her money on her and made sure she was comfortable. You cannot change how others feel. Do what you need to do for mom and forget the rest. In the end you will have known you did all you could. My mom passed last year but I know in my heart I did everything for her. The money doesn't matter but to them it was all about that! How sad!

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score 6 · Answer 3

I feel for you.

I can't answer your question. I failed to communicate the need effectively. It was a disaster. My mother returned from her visit to my brother's home physically wrecked.

A good friend of mine did a similar "let's give you a break" exercise for his brother and SIL. In my friend's custody, his mother fell and broke her hip - first step from independent living at home to nursing home care.

If she falls, your brother will be held responsible.
If her kidney function collapses, responsible.
If her heart function deteriorates, responsible.
If she strokes, responsible.

I don't know how, I couldn't find them, but you are looking for the words that will convey what the risks are in a way that makes them understand them and comply with your instructions.

"She'll be fine for a bit" is not a good start. My heart sinks for you.

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score 5 · Answer 4

Sadly, getting your siblings on the same page and acting in Mom's best interest may not be possible. In both my grandparents and parents cases there was a sibling split based on inheritance interests - basically some siblings don't want to "waste" money on the parents' care (preserving their inheritance) verses siblings who believe the parents' money should be spent for their care. On the other hand, you mention brothers and men in general do not take notice of many facets of daily living. I would try to first get agreement that Mom's money should be spent on Mom's care/comfort and there is no inheritance until all those needs are met. Then I would work on getting them to understand how short/recent term memory loss impacts daily living. Maybe creating a logging form for daily fluid intake, blood pressure readings, medications, etc. Fill out the form yourself for several days and then present blank forms to your brother for when he is going to take care of your mother. If possible, drop by and check up on Mom by checking the log a couple of times or maybe have your brother email/fax form to you. You have the most experience taking care of Mom and would be able to spot possible trouble points before anyone else. People who only see Mom in a "visitation" setting will often see a Mom that appears to be "fine" and not realize she needed a little help to be fine. You might also take the time to discuss with your brother the discomfort excess fluid will cause your mother and the risk of required hospitalization. Good Luck!

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score 5 · Answer 5

Someone once said something that really struck me: As time goes on, the person being cared for needs more and more care; meanwhile the caregiver running solo gets older and less able (mentally/physically/financially) to do everything the person they are caring for needs. So hiring in help makes total sense. You have to be sure that both your Mom's and your needs are attended to so that a year from now, two years from now, etc. your mom won't be surviving at the expense of your own health and well being. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Best wishes to you and your Mom.

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score 4 · Answer 6

There are no magic words. Make your decisions one step at a time as this unfolds.
They can't possibly understand unless they live your life with your mom's needs. Your brothers want to come to "give you the break" so enjoy the break fully. Then after your return, watch very carefully how she is doing. If she has negative effects from their time alone with her, you'll know you can't leave her anymore with brothers in charge. You still need breaks. So hire a private duty caregiver to care responsibility for her while you take future breaks.

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score 4 · Answer 7

I agree with all of the above. MomcareFL is so right and everyone else, too.

And, sometimes it is inevitable and very helpful that we stop trying to make things perfect. I don't mean that in a bad way--I mean it in a self-preserving and loving-to-others way. You can take care of your mom, get help from your brothers even if they do a less than perfect job, or a nurse, and life goes on.

Caregivers often feel they have to do everything to their very utmost. That is hard to keep up over the long haul.

There is a difference between "doing our best" and "doing what we can." We can do what we can for a lot longer.

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score 3 · Answer 8

Your family are going to in for a sudden shock one day. All it will take is a fall, broken hip, reassessment by specialists and geriatricians and whether your family likes it or not, she will be moved somewhere to have the care she needs. I am sorry to be so blunt, but your family will never be on the same page as you, they just don't understand. When it becomes apparent, that mother is not longer coming back to her her home becuase.... they are the ones who have to deal with it, not you. You saw it all coming.

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score 3 · Answer 9

Thank you everyone and I read each response & took the advice I could use. I'm definitely into what Salisbury said,do what you can, instead of doing your best so as to avoid burnout. I'm not a controlling person by nature. I'm not one to think only I can do pretty much anything. I know I'm not like that because other people around me are & they would like me to be more assertive of my authority over my mom. I always say that all her children have a right to care for & spend time with their mother. I know they are not capable of doing things like I do. My spouse is a huge help to me & a great part of why I can get things so well controlled at moms. My spouse is a person who believes nobody can do things as well as they can. I'm good with good enough from my siblings. Usually I get nothing, no help but this weekend I did! I had a great 2 days off/3 nights in my own bed. Mom didn't fall, didn't smoke & is still alive. Her weight did go up 3lbs so I called her doctor this morning & we're upping the Lasik for 3 days. My brother took her out to dinner because she got mad & insisted, & he took her without regard to sodium content. I'm sure he also was more liberal with liquid. As to the issue of mom needing paid help or not he didn't say anything, & I didn't push it. He also didn't volunteer to do it again,but I didn't ask. I'm going to let it lie for a week then touch base with him. Like I said I don't need their permission but it would be nice if they were on the same page as me. I also confirmed that 2 days a week to myself will probably get me through awhile of this caregiving, & allow me to care for mom in her home, without neglecting myself. Thanks again everyone, I like to give updates when I ask for help because I like it when others update.

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score 2 · Answer 10

It's not easy, I know. But if they want your Mom to be around for as long as possible, they will leave things to you to handle. I used to moan and groan wishing siblings would do more, but frankly, I don't think my Mom would have lasted this long (94) if they had been more involved in her care. Disaster can come at any time even if siblings have mom's best interest at heart. Some are just not naturally equipped to sense subtle or even big changes. And taking a cavalier attitude for even 5 minutes of one day can spell trouble.

I agree with Aimeejo55. Do what you need to for your mom and forget the rest. (But whatever you do, don't forget about yourself and your own needs.) Why not take the siblings with you to tour a local rehab center so they can see what happens to elderly people who have falls, infections, etc. It takes a split second to get into those places and months to get out of them. And not everyone gets out of them.

With the RM you can start hiring in professional help which is exactly what your Mom needs.

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How can I get siblings on the same page?

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