I find that my Mom didn't expect enough out of her sons. Me being the oldest had the most responsibility. I told myself if I ever had sons they would be taught to do everything. I had girls who take care of themselves. I think with my brothers they have a hard time seeing Mom this way. Which I can understand but her care has fallen all on me.
If ur afraid these people r in danger call the Office of Aging. They will check to make sure they have what they need.
My husband and I have taken care of his dad for the past 13 years, ever since his wife passed away. He lived with us for 13 years, and is now in living.
Unfortunately, I don't think anybody truly understands the family dynamics of what went on with the children of these now elderly parents, that cause the devision in the family, but I do know that my husband's two siblings have done absolutely nothing in all this time to participate or aid and assist their father in his now aging life. It's sad, and despite my husband's best attempts, there's no getting through to his siblings, that their Dad would benefit from their love and attention, they just no longer care.
Over the 33 years I have been in my husband's family, there have been many painful secrets hidden and revealed, favoritism shown by the parents, that has made his family so dysfunctional and devided, that it has made me oddly more compassion about the situation and their lack of wanting a relationship with their Father, than the previous (years of) anger that I felt towards his siblings, it has taken me THAT LONG to even coming close to understanding this families dynamic! I guess some relationships cannot be repaired.
Still, coming from a very close and LOVING family myself, it still makes me very sad that kids don't care for their Elders, as that's how we were raised to be and Did right through to the end with our own parents.
My husband and I have taken care of his dad for the past 13 years, ever since his wife passed away. He lived with us for 13 years, and is now (3 weeks) in Assisted living.
Unfortunately, I don't think anybody truly understands the family dynamics of what went on with the children of these now elderly parents, that cause the devision in the family, but I do know that my husband's two siblings have done absolutely nothing in all this time to participate or aid and assist their father in his now aging life. It's sad, and despite my husband's best attempts, there's no getting through to his siblings, that their Dad would benefit from their love and attention, they just no longer care.
Over the 33 years I have been in my husband's family, there have been many painful secrets hidden and revealed, favoritism shown by the parents, that has made his family so dysfunctional and devided, that it has made me oddly more compassion about the situation and their lack of wanting a relationship with their Father, than the previous (years of) anger that I felt towards his siblings, it has taken me THAT LONG to even coming close to understanding this families dynamic! I guess some relationships cannot be repaired.
Still, coming from a very close and loving family myself, it still makes me very sad that kids don't care for their Elders, as that's how we were raised to be and Did, right through to the end with our own parents.
Sons can be fabulous caregivers, it's not just a "woman thing". I've found in elder care that it doesn't seem to matter what sex you are, if you are compassionate and caring, man or woman, it shows and you step up and care for someone.
In our family, Mother lives with one brother. The other is a sweetheart, but his wife really keeps him on a tight leash and he stays out of mother's affairs. My two sisters are almost 100% MIA. They call once a quarter, or send a card. I live a couple of miles away and am mother's secondary caregiver. In fact, for the next 6-8 weeks I will be the primary, as brother is having major surgery and will be out for that time. I am not looking forward to it, but I do a lot for mother. And, come to think if it, for neighbors and friends too. I don't think I am unusual.
In truth--the 4 people I trust to take the best care of me would be my 4 sons in law. My daughters will be wonderful, but my son is MIA and doesn't care and his wife, while a wonderful woman, doesn't care, either.
And my MIA sibs feel zero guilt, for sure. I felt bad I didn't see mother while I was helping my daughter move from one state to another and was gone 10 days. My sisters will go months, literally, and they never call nor visit.
Caregiving, basic compassion--some people have it in them, some have none...or so it seems.
It's hard to understand and sometimes difficult to accept that as caregivers, who are typically inclined to be helpers anyway, that we can have siblings who can just walk away, but they do. And sons/brothers are given plenty of range to do that and excuses even within their own family and it's all just fine, I cannot count how many times I've heard "well men aren't good caregivers" typically I heard this from older neighbors around dads place and older cousins. No offense to men who are caregiving, I find the reasoning by some to be very old fashioned and backwards, frankly an insult to men, men are just as capable caregivers as women if they want to be. All the same I got tired of hearing it myself. My sibling lived two miles from my dads house, single, no children, plenty of time, doesn't work, and never went to see dad unless he wanted money, never helped around his house. I had to take my dad in a year after losing my husband to cancer before I could even get my bearings from that loss. He's been here since, four years, we're doing fine, he's better and healthier than he was, and he's happy. For me besides my own property, I've had to clean and manage my dads vacant home, his bills, doc appointments, all that, that comes with someone who loses their ability to care for themselves, no family help. I only have the one sibling, and my dozen cousins are quite a bit older than me, of course no help there, as well as my dads neighbors are all elderly and close to being in the same position my dad found himself in. His entire neighborhood is falling to pieces because they can't maintain their properties. It's amazing what you notice once you become a caregiver. Know that you in the end will live with knowing you did the right thing by taking care of your parent, it definitely puts a divide between siblings though, but you will not live with the guilt of doing nothing, that's for sure.
Is this something new, or has this been the pattern all their adult lives? Some families just aren't that close and only see each other on special occasions, others are "in each other's pockets" and call or visit often. And were the parents people who visited them often, or did they do their own thing and expect family to come to them... sometimes when the pattern is broken it is hard to establish a new norm. It is also a sad reality that the longer the space between visits the more they drift apart.
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If ur afraid these people r in danger call the Office of Aging. They will check to make sure they have what they need.
Unfortunately, I don't think anybody truly understands the family dynamics of what went on with the children of these now elderly parents, that cause the devision in the family, but I do know that my husband's two siblings have done absolutely nothing in all this time to participate or aid and assist their father in his now aging life. It's sad, and despite my husband's best attempts, there's no getting through to his siblings, that their Dad would benefit from their love and attention, they just no longer care.
Over the 33 years I have been in my husband's family, there have been many painful secrets hidden and revealed, favoritism shown by the parents, that has made his family so dysfunctional and devided, that it has made me oddly more compassion about the situation and their lack of wanting a relationship with their Father, than the previous (years of) anger that I felt towards his siblings, it has taken me THAT LONG to even coming close to understanding this families dynamic! I guess some relationships cannot be repaired.
Still, coming from a very close and LOVING family myself, it still makes me very sad that kids don't care for their Elders, as that's how we were raised to be and Did right through to the end with our own parents.
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Unfortunately, I don't think anybody truly understands the family dynamics of what went on with the children of these now elderly parents, that cause the devision in the family, but I do know that my husband's two siblings have done absolutely nothing in all this time to participate or aid and assist their father in his now aging life. It's sad, and despite my husband's best attempts, there's no getting through to his siblings, that their Dad would benefit from their love and attention, they just no longer care.
Over the 33 years I have been in my husband's family, there have been many painful secrets hidden and revealed, favoritism shown by the parents, that has made his family so dysfunctional and devided, that it has made me oddly more compassion about the situation and their lack of wanting a relationship with their Father, than the previous (years of) anger that I felt towards his siblings, it has taken me THAT LONG to even coming close to understanding this families dynamic! I guess some relationships cannot be repaired.
Still, coming from a very close and loving family myself, it still makes me very sad that kids don't care for their Elders, as that's how we were raised to be and Did, right through to the end with our own parents.
In our family, Mother lives with one brother. The other is a sweetheart, but his wife really keeps him on a tight leash and he stays out of mother's affairs. My two sisters are almost 100% MIA. They call once a quarter, or send a card. I live a couple of miles away and am mother's secondary caregiver. In fact, for the next 6-8 weeks I will be the primary, as brother is having major surgery and will be out for that time. I am not looking forward to it, but I do a lot for mother. And, come to think if it, for neighbors and friends too. I don't think I am unusual.
In truth--the 4 people I trust to take the best care of me would be my 4 sons in law. My daughters will be wonderful, but my son is MIA and doesn't care and his wife, while a wonderful woman, doesn't care, either.
And my MIA sibs feel zero guilt, for sure. I felt bad I didn't see mother while I was helping my daughter move from one state to another and was gone 10 days. My sisters will go months, literally, and they never call nor visit.
Caregiving, basic compassion--some people have it in them, some have none...or so it seems.
Some families just aren't that close and only see each other on special occasions, others are "in each other's pockets" and call or visit often. And were the parents people who visited them often, or did they do their own thing and expect family to come to them... sometimes when the pattern is broken it is hard to establish a new norm. It is also a sad reality that the longer the space between visits the more they drift apart.
Do the sons live nearby?
Do the parents need help?
Why won't the sons help?
If you could provide a few more details it would help people understand what kind of help you're needing.