What can I do to make my mom go to a nursing home when she refuses to go and I'm sick with cancer?

Your mother's reasoning sounds very "off". Is it possible that she has developed, say. Vascular dementia?

I already contacte the department of children and family and they have launched an investigation into the matter. The investigator will come and visit us soon. I hope that this will resolve my problem. Thanks everyone for your concern.

Is your mother mentally competent? If she doesn't understand the situation, I would wonder why. It doesn't sound rational to expect you to be an around clock caregiver for a totally disabled person. What does that social worker say that you are dealing with? Can't the county file for Guardianship and then place her? I might request that. Or, you can seek the opinion of an attorney to see what other remedies you might have, such as eviction. With her resistance, it seems that sooner or later, there will be a time that she is taken off your property. I'd try to figure out how it will be done with as little stress as possible for you both.

We live in a section 8 apartment in Miami Florida. She is the voucher's head of household and I am in the voucher as a member of the house. I also have a durable power of attorney for financial management. When I first moved in with my mom last year I was not sick yet and she hadn't had the stroke yet. She included me in her voucher so that I could accompany her. Last year I had a recurrence of a cancer I had in 2006 and I started on a treatment. My mom was fine and I was sick and I could only take care of my basic needs. I could not take care of my mom if she got sick then. The treatment gave me a lot of side effects that made me felt real bad. When she had the stroke and couldn't come back home my brothers and I placed her in a rehab facility with the intention that she would get therapy and somehow could at the end of the therapy stand on her own and maybe walk a little. After three months had passed they sent her back home. All this happened after I had moved out from the apartment that we lived before the stroke to a bigger one with two bedrooms. The previous one had only one bedroom. I used to sleep in the living room. When she came back I already had moved into the new apartment. I was the one who signed the lease for the new apartment and also signed all the documents that were necessary with the section 8. Since she came back my health has been deteriorating. The last time I had a pet scan the swollen lymph node instead of shrinking they kept getting bigger and my oncologist would have to find a different medication if they keep getting bigger. My mother is paralyzed from the waist down and can't do a thing on her own other than eating. Everythings has to be done to her and I can't take care of her due to the cancer I have, but she doesn't understand that. All she think about is that I want to place her in a nursing home so I can stay with her voucher and the apartment. That is how her malicious brain is functioning when all I want for her is to be in a place where she could be well taken care of.

rolion58, may I asked how old is your Mom? If she is in her 80's and 90's, she comes from a era where a nursing home was a State asylums, terrible places.... so Mom would throw a tantrum thinking she might be going to one of these places.

With politeness and firmness, keep yourself on your social worker's radar. This is a crisis.

Call your social worker frequently. Follow up on everything.

Have Mom's doctor AND your oncologist call the social worker and emphasize the need to accelerate Mom's placement.

Pack some of Mom's clothes, undies, slippers, diapers and toiletries on the sly. In shopping bags and stash them in a closet -- if that's what it takes to keeps the task stealthy.

Make a list of Mom's meds and other essentials and have 2 copies of it: One with the packed clothes and one in your wallet or purse.

When a bed opens up at the nursing home, be ready to act fast. More easily said than done. Hence the pre-organizing.

If Mom falls or has any change from the status quo (and I mean ANY), call 911 to get her to the ER.

Follow the ambulance in your car. Call your social worker and your oncologist from the hospital parking lot. Do not enter the ER before you have spoken with both or left detailed messages. Tell them that Mom is in the ER and you need them to stop the hospital from boomeranging Mom back to you. (Tell your oncologist to prepare a written statement that you are unable to continue caring for Mom.)

In the ER, immediately tell the front desk and attending physician that per your doctor's advice, you cannot care for Mom at home. Give the ER staff contact info for your doctor, your social worker and mom's doctor. And leave.

Yes, leave Mom in the ER. Mom is unable to self-discharge and they cannot kick her to the curb. They will arrange temporary care, which will become residential care.

Good luck and stay strong. It's time to focus on your health and your recovery. Keep us posted.

rolion, I feel like crying for you! Is your mother still deemed legally competent? If so, then it's going to be more difficult getting her into a nursing home.

What selfish brothers!

Keep working with the social worker. Are there funds for the NH, or will your mother qualify for Medicaid?

Keep us updated!

You can legally evict your mother if she is living in your place. If you are living in hers, you can move out. You have complete control over who lives with you and where you live. You don't have control over where Mother lives, unless you get guardianship of her. Either of those options would be, I imagine, pretty stressful for you. I think you are pursuing the right course by working with a social worker. But at least know there are legal steps you can take.

Most mothers would be extremely concerned about the health of a child with cancer. You say yours is combative. Is your mother in her right mind? Might she have dementia?

Your oncologist wants you to stop the caregiving. Of course! He or she wants to see you recover -- that is their mission in life! Would the doctor be willing to prescribe rehab for you? If you were in a facility where your meals were made, you had no laundry concerns, others looked after you, and you needed to stay there for a couple of weeks "to get your strength back," that would force the issue of mother's care. She couldn't be alone for even one day. I don't know how feasible this is, I'm just throwing ideas out there.

Is the social worker from your oncologist's office? What has she done so far?

Are you living with mother, or is she living with you? Where did you each live before the stroke?

A little more background might help our responses a bit. But this is a matter of life and death -- yours! You cannot go on this way.

Rolion, where do you live?

Another question, did mom move into your apartment? Where did she live before that?