How do you have time for yourself?

Thank you all for replying, she almost is practically blind cataracts glucoama and macular degeneration and she says she is very scared when I leave her alone she says she doesn't know the area where she lives now cause she use to live 16 years at her home before she came to live here and also doctors told me not to leave her alone cause she on blood thinners if she falls she can bleed.She is 79 years young.

I care for my wife 24/7. Vie hired caregivers and the become undependable. I'm always changing my plans because of it. I'm interviewing another group just to get some consistency in their commitment work days. It tough to leave them but it must be done.

Logan179, makes some good points. Why does she require 24/7 supervision if she is able to go out on outings, shopping, dining, etc? Is this just something she came up with on her own or does her doctor say she needs 24/7 supervision?

My mother is the same way about guilt trips. I don't know how many times I canceled plans because "she was going to die" She wasn't dying, nor did she. She did it when I was going out, or when we were moving her to the AL facility. It is hard, but you have to work on not letting that get to you.

Start out with baby steps and getting out yourself. Just wondering, if she can go out and do things, why can't she be alone for an hour or so a day? Or is it just her fear of dying that is creating that situation?

I don't know your history with your mom, but, I agree about the comments above regarding whether the stroke has caused some damage. Was she like this before the stroke? Have you noticed anything different about her personality? Is she more difficult, challenging or fearful? I say this, because my LO became very clingy. She was afraid to go anywhere by herself. She wanted me with her at all times. She seemed so immature and frightened. Later, we discovered that she had had multiple strokes and it caused brain damage. She didn't realize it, but she knew something was wrong and she was scared and confused. I might discuss your mom's situation with her doctor and see if you can figure out the core problem. It might help to know what you dealing with.

If she's just being demanding for no medical reason, then, I might have to take on the adult role and set up things so that she and you can have some good times, without her ruling your life. If funds are tight, I'd explore what services she might be entitled to so you can have respite time. Around the clock care 24/7 for a family member is not healthy for either of you, unless you get proper respite. It's just not realistic to expect that you take her with you all the time. And if she sees it differently, then you know that she isn't thinking clearly. The adult mother would know this if she were. You deserve this and so does she.

I hope you can find some help and get back to doing some of the things that you enjoy, seeing old friends and enjoying your own life. It is possible.

Just read your later comments. It sounds like your mother depends absolutely on you and knows how to push those guilt buttons. My mother does the "you don't care about me and if I die" thing on me a lot. I really dislike that because I know it is her being self centered and not caring about me at all. When they won't help with the boundary between what is them and what is us, we have to make the boundary ourselves. If you want to go out to the gym and your favorite eating place, tell her where you're going and when you'll be back. It is going to have to be you that puts the boundary in place. If she had a mini-stroke, chances are that she will be with you many more years. You have to build a life that works for you and not become a servant in your own house. A caregiver is as important as the person they care for, though it often gets forgotten.

How old is your mother? Many people have small or large strokes and still do the normal things with their own friends. Does she have any friends or is she isolated? I wondered if there is something she could get involved in that doesn't require you. I imagine she is bored and looking to you to entertain her. That isn't your job. You'll have to find a way to not respond to those buttons she pushes that make you feel so pressured. It's not easy. (Personally I just get p*ssed off when my mother tries it, because I know what she's up to and how unfair it is.)

Is there a reason your mother has to go everywhere with you? It would drive me totally crazy if my mother went places with me. There are only three things she likes to do, so we would end up in one of those three places. Fortunately I am still able to get out by myself during the daytime. I have to admit that it's not as refreshing as I like because I know I need to be back fairly quickly to do things at the house. I understand what you mean by living their lives instead of our own.

You absolutely have to take care of yourself. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity. It's the only way you're going to be able to continue to care for your mom. You don't need to go on a cruise for a month or run off to Bora Bora to care for yourself. An afternoon here and there with a good book or a nap, take yourself out to lunch or invite a friend. Go see a movie. Anything you enjoy doing.

Is there a family member or neighbor who can stay with your mom while you get away for a few hours?

When I was caring for my dad anytime anyone invited me anywhere my dad was always invited too. I appreciated that so much but there were times I would have liked to have gone by myself. Calling ahead of time to inquire about stairs and parking, making sure my dad got situated in a chair, making his plate of food and setting everything up for him before I could even begin to eat (which was usually when everyone else was finishing). It got old. I appreciated that my dad was invited too because people knew I couldn't leave him but I missed doing things alone.

We can't give 100% to anyone for any reason because it will make us sick. If we're sick we can't fulfill our obligations. Find a way, any way, you can get a break here and there.

Logan thanks for replying back. I cannot leave her alone too long cause she recently had a mini stroke and if I do she will say you don't care about me and you leaving me alone you don't care and then a guilt trip is on me.And financially it would be very hard to get someone to watch her and she says I don't want anybody to be here. I've been taking care of her for 2 half years.

Completely understand your situation, as many people here will also! Can she be left alone at all? If she can you have to try to carve out an hour a day or every other day and set her up with what she needs and go. You need alone time so you can recharge and feel like yourself, even if it's only for a little while each day.

Not sure how long you have been caring for her either, but it does take a toll on you quickly.

If she cannot be left alone is their a sibling that can help, mine wouldn't but I did find other ways. Maybe some outside home health aid, again not sure of the finance part for you either.

In order to care for her, you need to be able to care for yourself and don't feel guilty about that.