My 92 year old mom fell and broke her hip and fractured her neck last Nov. believe it or not she is a fighter and is using a walker. She is legally blind and has COPD. She's on OX 24 hours. She is beginning to realize she has to stay in assisted living now. She wanted to go home to a big house alone. I'm having a hard time cleaning out her house. She doesn't want me to get rid of anything in case she goes home soon. My son and his family are moving in soon what do I do?
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The mother is, barring miracles, not going to return to her home. I don't argue with the sense of that or that she is to be discouraged from pursuing false, risky hopes.
But at the time of posting, the mother had every (groundless, whatever, doesn't matter) intention of returning to her home, and it was a major motivation for her. She has been co-operating well, evidently, and making progress in her recovery.
Lucy goes on to explain that one reason she feels the need to get on with clearing out her mother's house is that her son and his family are on the point of moving in.
Well, excuse me: is this with or without the mother's knowledge and consent? Whose understanding is it that mother is moving out and young family is moving in?
My fear is that they have improperly got ahead of themselves. You cannot just take liberties with somebody else's property, not even if it's a racing certainty that she won't be returning to it.
As I say, I hope mother/grandmother has been kept in the loop and has already agreed; but I would like to hear so.
I guess we knew in our heart of hearts that she was never going back there to live. She'd been in Independent Living for more than a year.
It seemed like " to ask permission is to seek denial".
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If they are things the family wants divide up what family members want and tell your Mom that everyone will be taking something to keep it safe.
As my Mom said...better from a warm hand than a cold heart when passing out her "treasures"..and I can tell you several never made it past the garbage can when I took them home. She never knew nor did I think she really cared once they were gone.
If there are a few things that she can keep with her in Assisted Living bring them to her it will make her feel more at home.
When we cleaned out my parents house we hired a huge dumpster that sat in the driveway and we just walked or carried stuff out to that and threw it in. Once it was filled the company came and got it and left an empty one.
Don't take this on alone. It's emotional.
Just gently remind her that she is where she needs to be for her own best interests and simultaneously start clearing out the house. We cleared out my grandma's after her final "fall" and subsequent move to a NH. Once she realized she was never going home, she actually helped us to decide what went where and to whom. We were able to pack her whole house up, give items to people she wanted to have them and actually get ready for the aftermath--before. She died less than 2 weeks in the NH, and went peacefully. Mother was the only sib in the state and we'd boxed up the other 2 sibs things so well, they came in for the funeral and either took their things or had them shipped.
Most people don't have that opportunity. You know your mom can't return home and I wouldn't dwell on that with her-- but you can ask her about specific bequests while she still is with you.
Yes, it's a daunting task, even with a smaller condo that grandma lived in, it was a LOT of work. With a whole home---it can take next to forever.
Good Luck with this. I hope your mom adapts to the NH well and makes some friends and can have some pleasant memories, despite it not bring what she "wants".
There is only one material question that has to be settled first. Is your mother of sound mind, legally competent to make her own decisions?
There could be vast legal problems with this arrangement as well.
If they wanted to make it more "legit" the Son and family could "rent" the property from Grandma, that might provide an income for her if she needs it. Or if Grandma is of sound mind she could sell the property..at fair market value. This way there is no problem if medicaid has to become involved.
Many elders don't realize that they often have MORE independence living in Assisted Living. I never could convince my parents of that, mainly my Mom.
It would have been easier to convince your Mom is the house was being sold. Such as no more worry about property taxes.... maintenance/repairs.... lawn maintenance... snow shoveling.... replacing appliances.... homeowner's insurance..... window and/or plumbing or electrical wiring replacement. And being by herself, what if she fell again. Of course, an elder will have an answer to each item, whether is it logical or not.
Right now your Mom will become the "landlord", thus she is sill responsible for the property taxes, and everything on the list above.
Income taxes will be different for an investment property being rented will need to be declared as income minus what ever expenses she had for the income tax year. Someone will need to keep track of the income/expenses. I had to hire a CPA for this, because investment property was too complex for me come income tax time.
Plus your Mom could give you a convincing story that since her grandson and his family will be in the house, they would help take care of her.
Hope this will be a win-win for everyone involved.
If this were my mom, I'd say " would you rather we rent it to grandson or to strangers, mom? Your choice: you're the one in charge here".
The idea is that you give what's called a "forced choice". Asking open ended questions of elders with dementia is a recipe for disaster.
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