So my dad is 76 and exhibiting signs of dementia. This makes him very mean at times and very difficult to be around. I struggle with the guild of "well he's earned the right to be a little disgruntled" but it crosses the line when it makes the loved ones around him stressed and depressed. He make going to the grocery store a challenge. He picks fights with happy people in public and is in a bitter mood most of the time. I'm at my wits end and I love him dearly and love being around him but I can't continue to be around him and feel bad or stressed. He makes negative comments about my job, my house, my dogs, my car, heck he seems to not approve about anything except the kids.
I'm not sure how to handle him, and should I just ignore him or confront him on the bad behavior?? But I feel like I can't take him anywhere, he does things like lift his leg and fart in public :-), seems funny but is actually quite mortifying :-(. Uses profanity and offensive language at any given stranger, I just don't know what to do?? he keeps getting on the road driving long distances when his vision, mind, legs, prostate, etc etc are not functioning at best. I also notice he is starting to reminisce on the past, even back to slavery times. Evidently there were some bad things that took place on an island in the south many kids were sent to live and work. He won't entertain seeking any psychological help or medicine. Any advice on handling the situation I would greatly appreciate.....
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You can not control his behavior in public so just try and walk a few steps away from him. You say it is mortifying. It does not have to be most people will look at you with sympathy and disgust at him. I would only intervene if an interaction with a stranger looks like becoming ugly. Just take him by the arm and lead him away. If he hits you don't hesitate to call the police that may get him detained and confined on a 48 hour order where he will be seeing psychiatrists whether he likes it or not.
Is this new behavior or has he always been this way? Is his wife still alive or are they divorced? If divorced your mother may be able to get some clues about how he was within the marriage.
If all this behavior is new it is likely due to the advancing dementia. You can't control it or reason with him. This is the way it is going to be. Try and get him to sign documents for POA, medical and financial. Take him to a lawyer for this. You may need to trick him to agree. Try something like that you have an appointment and would appreciate it is he would come with you and offer his advice.
Uber. Lyft. Taxi. Senior citizen shuttle. Those are plenty of alternatives in order to take the car keys away.
There is no easy way to deal with people like your father. Be up front. Set healthy boundaries. You are not his little girl. And you cannot protect him from his bad decisions if you let him continue to make them. Time to act like an adult because your father isn't.
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With this information, I'd try to let his doctor know what's going on. If his competence is really at issue, I'd seek a legal consult with an Elder Law attorney to see what your rights are, evidence required, process, costs, etc. At least, you'll know what the standard is.
I'd also speak with the doctor about his driving. The problem is that with dementia, he may be okay until he's not. Accidents happen that way. Most states have ways to have a senior evaluated, if there is concern.
I don't know how disagreeing with him or correcting him about things matters. I do think that some point, the behavior can be so outrageous that it places the patient at risk of being arrested or hurt by a member of the public who is frightened or offended by him. At some point, they must be protected from themselves.
Which unfortunately doesn't make it easy to do. But if you're serious about the vision problems and the loss of cognitive function, and though I hate to sound heartless about his safety (which obviously is your main concern, as his daughter), the bigger question is what if the catastrophe kills or injures somebody *else*? a) He'd have to live with that. b) He might have to live with that in jail, or bankrupt, or both.
There are ways and means of getting the authorities to get him off the road. But before you pick up the phone, what are the options for his future care and support going to be? Better to have alternatives in place, or at least thought through, before you take his car keys off him.
In your shoes, I would communicate with his doctor in writing about the symptoms you're observing. The doc can't communicate back with you, but you've put her/him on notice about the psychiatric symptoms he's exhibiting.
I'm afraid that you are awaiting a catastrophe, i.e., a fall, etc.
If he falls, is injured or becomes ill, call 911 and him transported to the hospital. Once he's in the hospital, you have access to social workers, discharge planners, folks who can help.
You can call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a needs assessment. This might help get him some outside help, but would he accept that?
I found this article here on Aging Care that has a lot of good information.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm