Mom hogs our family room all day. Please help.

I agree about the BP meds. My Mom had a tickle all the time. Sucked on cough drops all the time. Change of med made the difference. I was lucky I guess. I live in a split level. Mom was in the bottom level, family room. She had her bed, lounge chair and TV down there. A small bath too. Husband felt I should have her in he den with me, but it's small and I needed my time alone with no TV going all day. She came up for dinner and watched TV with us till time for bed. She spent 8 months in an AL and now is in long-term because of a downward spiral.

Hi Chill. I'm so sorry for what you had to deal with as a child. I'm also very happy your sister is coming to give you a well deserved break. Finding your mom a nice place in the fall is an excellent idea. . Congrats to you for being able to care for your mom with the family history of her dad. You are a very special person

Thanks for all your relies. I love this site and check in daily for support. It's more complicated as I have issues with my Mom. Growing up her father lived with us and grandpa couldn't keep his hands off of me starting when I was only about 8 years old until I was about 11 or 12 when I put a stop to it myself. To this day I resent my mom as I don't know how this could have gone on for years. She is really preoccupied with her own needs is all I can figure. I was able to get over this and we were very close for years I took her on vacations for years. But now that we are both older and living together having to do everything for her is bringing this all up and it's not heathy. My sister is coming to give me a break we are going on a weeks vacation and probably will discuss placing her in a new beautiful home 1 mile from me opening this fall. Affordable for us. I think our relationship could get back on track if I could visit her. My older sister is very supportive and is the POA she live 1000 miles away and has an 84 yr old husband to care for. I am only 62. Thanks for all the replies.

I understand. so many roles that don't get to be lived normally when an elder parent is in the home daily/ yearly. I know how your mom felt. I totally get your moms loss of spontaneity. I hope this hasn't damaged my daughter  for ever. I don't think so.  I know she would agree with your last sentence.

My mom and my grandmother had a very strained relationship; my Gm was a very strait laced formal person., so my mother was not able to be as spontaneous as I think she could have been otherwise. My grandmother was also quite disapproving of the fact that we didn't go to parochial school and that my mother had married outside of her Irish ethnic group ( horrors--daddy was an Eye-talian!). In short, there were a lot of underlying tensions that made me want to be almost anyplace other than home.

Ok thank you. I just feel even though she has benefited especially in her youth, she wishes it was a more nuclear family. She's a well adjusted 21 year old. She just gets a little annoyed that my mom is here 24/7. Thanks again for answering

Erin, that's a hard question. I have some fond memories of the years grandma lived with us ( we always did the vocabulary stuff in the readers digest together) but in sum, having her live with us took up a lot of my mom's energy. It was not an ideal situation, emotionally.

Awe Jessie Belle, I'm so sorry. I hope you get a break from your brother. No one can do this 24/7 aline

Hi Barb Brooklyn. Got a question for you. Do you have any lingering resentment towards your parent whose parent lived with you? I ask because my daughter has lived with my mom here her entire life

Erin, I am it when it comes to my mother. She couldn't get into my brother or SIL's vehicles even if they offered to take her anywhere. She also won't do anything or be with anybody if I'm not there. I guess you could say I'm her security blanket. It is scary what she does if my brother comes visit. When they drive up, she screams like a banshee for me until I get in the room, like she's afraid I won't be there when they finally reach the door. When they get in the room, my nerves are shattered from the screaming. I wonder if the house would collapse if I didn't get there in time. :)

Chill, I'm guessing that my questions came across as cold and unsympathetic. They were meant sincerely and to seek information, but perhaps not worded that way.

She's in the "family room". Is there a living room or parlor in addition? Who is staying in their Room? Kids? Teenagers? Adults? Everyone? What was your family's habit before Gram moved In? What would you LIKE your family home/time to look/feel like?

So, is the cough what is Bothersome? Is it interrupting the TY viewing/music Listening? And about TV, is there discussion of what gets watched that is fair?

If this is going to work, everyone has to do some adjusting, including Grandma.

Hey, I grew up as a young kid and teen with my grandmother living with us. I've lived this and know what a toll it can take on family life, growing kids, my parents's marriage and the tone of the home.

Think and talk this out.

Jessie belle. My mom was out for 2 hours with a friend. What a mental break for me. I cleaned in between the leather couches where she sits. Got tons of. Milk bone crumbs. Some dental floss ( hers) Lysol wiped and swept. Cleaning is something I enjoy. But wow. What a nice break and totally unexpected. Is there any friend your mom has that drives ? My mom just has one. But it did help. Then we walk the dogs. She didn't repeat. ( she usually does everyday. Same topics). She talked about the restaurant. The menu. Details of the restaurant. I was pretty happy. Still am actually. I got to figure this out and get her to want to do more. Hope you have a good night

I completely sympathise. I just don't know what you can do about it.

My mother had what the pharmacy ads call an "irritating" cough. I think it's supposed to mean dry and tickly as opposed to a productive or phlegmy cough; but actually irritating is dead right - it had me writhing with annoyance to the point of swallowing my own tongue. Hers was a side effect of blood pressure medication, I knew she couldn't help it, and I knew there was nothing to be done about it, but oh for crying out loud.

If your mother is taking a px for raised blood pressure, by the way, and you haven't already, you could try asking her doctor to try a different type. Apparently some people cope better with some than with others. But I have to admit that we tried that and it made no difference to the cough. A sort of "ch'hm! ch'hm! chchch-HM!" every half minute or so, or after she'd spoken.

Gosh, there are some things I don't miss so much.

You don't have a spare bedroom you could make into a kind of little boudoir for your mother? Or a pretty conservatory? No way of switching rooms around so that she's not smack in the middle of everything, all the time?

If this is a recent move, and the awful truth is that it's an experiment that just hasn't worked, you can honourably think again. Not all facilities and nursing homes are the same. There's no harm in visiting a few near you just to see if they're better than you realised.

Another empathetic ear. The difference is that it's her house. She's in the living room all day, watching TV and sleeping. The room is central, so the only privacy I have is in my room. I think of how nice it would be if she went somewhere sometime and I got the house to myself just for a while. That's not going to happen, though, so I just bear with it.

Hi Chill. My mother does the exact same thing. You got a totally empathetic listener here. I know so well what that's like. Major differences my mom is 79. Doesn't ask for much. Verbally. ( leaves me daily lists) and not much of a fall risk. Our family is separated by floors as well. My mom doesn't want to be up in her room. Sits in family room from 730 am to 930 to 10 pm . What helps me is organizing my closet , drawers , cleaning tub , shower , toilet. Then going to basement at night ( game room). And cleaning there and the outside terrace. I have a great friend from junior high I talk to at least 3 times a week.

So, Chill, when you moved mom in, where did you envision her staying all day long?

Is it the cough that is a bother/concern, or simply her presence?

Chill, time to find out what is causing Mom's cough. Once the cough is under control, then hopefully life will be a bit easier. Since Mom is a fall risk, you should be glad that she asks others to do things for her, instead of her getting up to do the things herself and then falling. Getting old isn't easy, especially for Mom :(

Your Mom probably doesn't want to be alone in her own room, she wants company like it was back in the olden days when everyone sat around the kitchen table to talk. Now, people vanish to their own rooms due to social media and to watch TV shows that probably wouldn't interest an elder. Time to compromise to make everyone happy.

Dear Chill10549,

I know its hard being the caregiver and also giving up parts of your house. Is there another part of the house that could be developed into a family space? I'm not sure if the basement is developed or maybe an empty bedroom upstairs could be converted into a family room.

I know you don't want to consider a nursing home, but maybe that is something to start thinking about. It is hard on the younger generation when living with an elderly parent. Trying to find a compromise is tough. I hope you can find an option that works for your family.