Can anyone give me advice on difficult parents?

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Sarahibrahim Asked July 2017

Can anyone give me advice on difficult parents?

I live alone with my parents who are 78 and 84 years old respectively. My father has no health issues he is extremely energetic and healthy, however my mother needs assistance for everything. My age is 33 and I have been taking care of them since I was 20. My problem is caregiver stress as my parents are difficult. My father has always been really strange he never tried to provide for us or cared about our emotional needs. All my life I saw him abusing our family. He still behaves the same way, only difference is that he has become more hyper and say more mean things. My mother was better than my father but believed in providing only basic needs to kids, now with aging she has become emotionally detached as well. When I started taking care of them, I decided to have a fresh start and do the best I could. They remain satisfied but would kept me on toes, my siblings also pressurize me not only to take care of parents but to fulfill their demands as well. All of this along with their insensitive responses gave me lot of emotional stress. As a result I got epileptic fit two weeks ago on major religious holiday when I had to take care of all arrangements. I have started medicine after consulting doctor but he said I need to sleep and my parents don't let what should I do. Also I think need to talk to someone at this point, like a need for compassion. Did anyone else go through it?

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thank you so much dorianne I really need support specially today as my brother is visiting again from abroad n he is continously saying that I deserve to be abused and nobody should take care of me even In sickness.this hurt me a lot.

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score 2 · Answer 2

Sarahibrahim, I just read your posts for the first time and wanted to send you my support. I am going out for a little while (I'm in Canada - it's 1:15 PM Pacific time as I write....I think you are 13 hours ahead of us there?) but I will be back at the computer later this evening, which should be morning for you. I don't know what to do either! But I'm here to listen and support you!

Edit: I just found this during a quick search - I don't know if it helps, but Canada is a little more open to immigrants and refugees than the United States:
http://www.canadainternational.gc.ca/pakistan/visa.aspx?lang=eng

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score 0 · Answer 3

Thank you so much for offering help and sorry for late reply things got quite complicated here.I would be happy to do any kind of office job or work at school.

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score 1 · Answer 4

If I were you, I would not complain to your family. They will not help you and it will only make things worse if they start thinking you want to escape. They depend on you for care, so any time you complain to them they will take it as a direct threat to their survival. Please be careful in your plans. Don't let them find out you are leaving until there is absolutely nothing they can do to stop you. They might try and sabotage you leaving just like they sabotage you getting married. I think you moving to the US would be great. I have a Pakistani friend. We have been good friends for years, so I am familiar with your culture. I seriously think you should work towards happiness and not live your life based off everyone else. If you move here, it's very easy to find work. There are jobs everywhere. What do you like to do?

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score 0 · Answer 5

My brother who lives abroad is visiting us and today when I got little late in serving lunch he got so angry on me.He said if I am unhappy in my life I don't need to bother others.He also said that if this small responsibility of parents is on my shoulder I don't need to bicker about it.Although about himself he said he can't invite them in his house because his wife would not approve it.I am feeling so sick am 33 and have this responsibility since 16 half of my life I have bound and abused, how come this responsibility is small.
Guys please reply I can't contact my sister and I am really feeling terrible.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Holidays for the festival I was talking about has started today and I am having tough time.My father is bothering me a lot I have cried a lot today hope it does not effect my health.

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score 1 · Answer 7

I am teaching at school and no I don't think anyone at my work place know how to get job abroad.Also I don't want to reveal my family problems at workplace.People here are quite weird they have double standards.Like they criticize people in western countries for keeping parents in nursing home, although people here don't take care of their parent they are like my elder siblings mostly.I know for the fact that people in western countries take more care of their parents than here.It's because ever since I was young I was exposed to American society more than Pakistani one through American media, literature and my sister.
All of you people are amazing you are sacrificing so much for your parents although you can go and live alone.

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score 2 · Answer 8

You are attending school, is that right? Do you have any nice women teachers who you could talk to about how to find ways to get more support or to leave Pakistan? You are a remarkable young woman - that you can communicate as well in English as you do is amazing! So you have capabilities, you just have to find the right resources to help you either stay where you are, but in a better living situation or to go somewhere else where you can have more opportunities. Don't give up! You are worth it.

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score 0 · Answer 9

No and I have only seen them TV and heard stories and news report about them that they take advantage of women.Few months ago I even wanted to go live in hostel but they are also unsafe. As I said you can date you can do what ever you want but not be vulnerable.Also I won't be able to do this even after the small argument I have to go ask for my mother's apology she has that kind of effect on me.She can easily guilt trip me.
She says to me that even if your brother does not help yout in anything force you to help him then bully still you must tolerate everything.whereas she herself has not talked to his brother for years only because he was not loving and was arrogant.This is how particularge she is about her needs

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score 0 · Answer 10

Are you in contact with any local women's organizations?

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score 1 · Answer 11

I live in Pakistan thank you soo much for the reply I really need it.I am crying right now, whole screen is blur.I really want to move to some western country in my country society is hypocrite in a weird way.You can be anything but vulnerable, not all the women live like me here.I just wish I get the visa and settle down in us or Canada.In past I didn't try it because my family always scared me with danger of living alone and guilt of leaving parents.But now I can't take it anymore although now I have additional fear of fit but I want to go away any way

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score 0 · Answer 12

Sarahibrahim I feel so sad for you. What country do you live in? Is there any chance you could move to another country that is more open to women living on their own and having a life apart from their parents? We all support you in trying to make a life for yourself. Don't let the stress from your parents take over your life. You sound like a fine young woman and we're here to listen and offer whatever advice we can. I imagine your living situation is very different than we're used to in the US or Western countries.

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score 0 · Answer 13

Please do reply. I am really sad my sister has gone for religious pelgrimage and I could not talk to her.

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score 2 · Answer 14

Your support really means a lot I am really dishearten.I am really tired and could not sleep for last four days because I feel stressed out.one of my eldest brother came to my house and threaten to beat me.I locked in room he kept banging.he has always been a bully and her wife is also like that.When ever he feel stressed he would come and scream on us.After he left I told my mother that I don't want him come here again.As I don't deserve to be threaten in my house only because I have taken your responsibility.She said that what he did was totally OK bcz although I pay the rent it's not my husbands house so with unmarried girl everything is allowed.

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score 2 · Answer 15

Thanks for the update! All of us want things to improve you for you!

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score 2 · Answer 16

Thank you so much.Sorry for late reply my job has started and things became little hectic.Although with my job things are hectic but ever since I started going to school I feel much better.However another religious holiday is approaching in few days and my parents are stressing me a lot about having perfect preparation despite what happen two months ago.On another note I have decided to apply for visit visa of us next month.Because in my country a single woman can't live alone without her parents.

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score 1 · Answer 17

Sarah,
Choose your life now.
Because I am really wondering, past a certain point, there is no return, there is no recovery from the abuses caregivers will tolerate. No one should be volunteering to put themselves in such a no-win position. imo.

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score 1 · Answer 18

Wicked, sinful and ungrateful, don't tell me? ;)

You can be a very good daughter and a very loving one too, and still be an adult woman with the right to make your own decisions. Please come back and let us know how you're getting on.

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score 0 · Answer 19

Thanks you cdnreader.I have decide to prepare for ielts and look for opportunities.All of you have given me courage to think about my life.In past whenever I have asked even for a break of single day my parents and sibling told me that I am wicked and sinful.

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score 0 · Answer 20

Thanks you cdnreader.I have decide to prepare for ielts and look for opportunities.All of you have given me courage to think about my life.In past whenever I have asked even for a break of single day my parents and sibling told me that I am wicked and sinful.

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score 0 · Answer 21

Dear Sarah,

Your English is very good. If you want to consider a move, please do so for your own health. The stress is not worth it.

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score 1 · Answer 22

Yes I have thought about going abroad to live with my siblings in one of the difficult times.In fact three years ago I visited my brother for few days but his wife didn't approve it.My sister lives in US and there is little possibility that I get visit visa if I apply , but I wonder would it be wise to quit a save job, buy ticket,and face his husband''s disapproval as well.However in past few months I have thought a lot about going abroad alone for the sake of my health. I tried to look for job but it was hard to find on net,distinguishing scam from authentic ads.If you know about any reliable resource please inform me .I have also thought about student visa but I can't bear expense.How ever I am looking for scholarship.About the refusal of marriage I don't know why they did it.Thank you Country mouse you really think my English is good because I have always felt that it's not god enough and I can't work abroad.

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score 2 · Answer 23

Yes I have thought about going abroad to live with my siblings in one of the difficult times.In fact three years ago I visited my brother for few days but his wife didn't approve it.My sister lives in US and there is little possibility that I get visit visa if I apply , but his husband is not welcoming either.So I wonder would it be wise to quit a save job, invest all savings ,and face his disapproval.However in past few months I have thought a lot about going abroad alone for the sake of my health. I tried to look for job but it was hard to find on net,distinguishing scam from authentic ads.If you know about any reliable resource please inform me .I have also thought about student visa but I can't bear expense.My job is OK not really good I could pay for visa ticket, but not the tution fees or living expense.Howe've I am looking for scholarship.About refusal of marriage proposals CTTN55 sometimes I also think that but I can't say for sure.Country mouse you really think my English is good because I have always felt that it's not god enough and I can't work abroad.

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score 3 · Answer 24

Your two sympathetic siblings live abroad?

Interesting. Your English is excellent. Have you thought of looking at career opportunities in other countries?

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score 3 · Answer 25

Can you move abroad to live with your siblings until you can get a place of your own?
You wouldn't be abandoning your parents, as they would still have children nearby.
Do you have to give all of your salary to your parents? Have you built up some savings that would enable you to make the break?
Did your parents ignore the offers of arranged marriage because they want to keep you at home taking care of them?

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score 2 · Answer 26

Thank you 97 year old mum and sherry flower 18 I just read your reply.It means a lot this is the first time I have talked about my problems other than my sister and doctor.The things you people are telling are so surprising it tells that my thoughts and anger was not wicked it was natural.Otherwise I have always been told that being unmarried it's my responsibility to take care parent's and siblings.

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score 2 · Answer 27

Thanks for reply country mouse and cdn reader.You have no idea how helpful your kind words are for me.Yes I am the youngest daughter and age difference of 10 to 20 years with my siblings.Three of my sibling are 20 year older and bother me all the time ,the other two are 10 years older and support me but they live abroad.I don't live in America and in my country there is no concept of assisted living or nursing home.I can not benefit from idea of family meeting because I have requested my siblings several times and got only abuse in reply.In fact I got the fit when was dealing with one of my sibling's demands, they have turned my house into place for hang out,fight and discuss their problem.I am high school teacher, it's my summer vacation and I think living at home full time increased stress.I don't have any close friends who I can discuss this and I am not in contact with any religious scholar.I was thinking of asking my doctor to talk to them but he is the most busiest doctor of city.
As far as relationship are concerned while I was growing my family told me that I can only have arranged marriage and must never talk to a boy.But they never did anything for my marriage and refused to all 12 13 proposals that came on their own.I don't know what to about it too.

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score 3 · Answer 28

First of all, honey- I can't believe you are doing all of this. Amazing. You must have a heart of pure gold esp if they are emotionally detatched. Sounds like it has been that way all along. I am an only child. My mom is suffering from dementia and is in the hospital for the first time since I was born 46 yrs ago. We are VERY close.
After sleeping on her floor for 10 days- not really sleeping- I finally found her Power of Attorney and was able to force her to get treatment. She is SOOOO mad. She has two infections-her legs and urinary tract. I am also trying to work when I can. My advice to you is what every medical professional has given me this last week- take care of YOURSELF. Find out who has their Power of Attorney. If that hasn't been done delegate the task of having that done to one of your siblings. That is an absolute must. You also need to contact A Place For Mom- they are wonderful and will help the family scope out living facilities for your parents. It is time for you to manage your own health before any permanent damage is done. I wish you all the luck and strength to get through this.

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score 4 · Answer 29

Listen to your doctor about the sleep. You won't be able to care for anyone if you don't get rest. Your brain needs rest to repair your body. Once you are rested all things will seem more manageable. There was a time when the only way a young woman could escape was with a husband. Today it can sometimes be done with an outside job. Would that be a possibility for you?

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score 4 · Answer 30

Sarah, are you having to wrestle with cultural expectations too? While living in America? Are you the youngest daughter in your family?

I'm just wondering if you have a supportive circle of friends, or maybe access to a religious adviser your parents respect who might "have a word" with them on your behalf or at least counsel you on how to go about changing what needs changing. Ignoring medical advice goes against scripture, doesn't it?

But that's only the immediate issue. What about your life, in the wider sense? What about careers and relationships and seeing a bit of the world, the things that are usually uppermost in a young person's mind?

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Can anyone give me advice on difficult parents?

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