My dad died four years ago. She thinks his death only affected her life. She wants to be independent, but then complains if we don't help her. She won't listen to advice I give her. But if someone else gives her the same advice, she will. When I am around her, I have to watch my words carefully because one wrong word will set her off. She is always saying "your dad said this" or "Right before your dad died, he said you kids would be this way, that's how it is when the man dies first." My dad could not speak in the last few months of his life. Why is she lying about this? She won't seek counseling. She has isolated other life long friends as well. I'm not sure what advice I am seeking, maybe I just needed to vent.
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My mother has also made up a person she needed my father to be. My father was deaf and had dementia, so was in his own world for the last years of his life. To her, though, he was okay and in charge of all his faculties. When she talks of him she says the things she needed him to think or say. She invents realities that make her comfortable. Some of the realities can be mind bending, but usually do no harm so I just let them go. She has dementia, but even when she didn't have it she could bend the truth to the point of breaking. It is just who she is.
BTW, my mother and I were out all day yesterday. It probably wore her out so she didn't feel like doing anything at all today.
I feel for you. I know its hard to hear an aging parent complain. And you are doing your best to help her but she won't listen. It sure isn't easy. Try to step back and just let her be. Don't take everything she says to heart. I know that is a lot easier said than done.
I wish I had done that for my dad. I took everything so personally. For the adult children, sometimes we don't think we need help, but we do. We need to seek out counselling or a support group to find new ways to cope with an elderly parent.
I just read a quote about how hard it is to change oneself, what makes us think we can change others?
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Truthfully? You can't DO anything. When she becomes abusive, walk away. Mother can't follow me. I put myself in time out from her (been 5 weeks lately--I check on her thru brother, but have not visited and don't plan to) and I suggest, if possible, you do the same.
Yes, someday my mother will die. And I know I will probably not be on the best terms with her when that happens. I'm already OK with that. I cannot force her to love me, or let me help her. It's frustrating, I know. A lot of us are in this same boat.
And I agree with GranJan--people will say the nastiest things to the people closest to them---and take out their anger on them. That's a dynamic that's old as the hills. Try not to take it personally. Try not to take her using your deceased dad as a "go between"-- just see the manipulation as what it is...the anger and frustration of a person trying to get control. Little kids use it, elders often revert to very immature antics to get what they want.
Good luck--you aren't alone. Venting here is just fine.
1 - I think this is the most important one. The older a person gets, the more afraid they become of their own fragility and mortality. They do not know how to cope with these feelings and tend to lash out on those who are with them most often. I may be wrong, but I don't believe they always mean what they say. They just don't know how else to release their negative emotions.
2 - I cannot live with them. I tried a couple of times and it wore me out both emotionally and physically. At first I felt guilty, but therapy taught me otherwise. What use would I be to them if I did not take care of myself? My circumstances allowed me to move close to them, whether they lived on their own or in a facility, so I remained very involved in their daily care. But it was much easier because I was able to "escape" to my own peaceful home. At first, they angrily blamed me for their circumstances, but eventually looked forward to my visits and were more pleasant with me (sometimes only slightly, but it was a step in the right direction).
3 - I am currently looking after one with whom I have not gotten along very well for most of my life. My own stress levels would rise in response to their's and we would end up having huge rows. Assisted living is still not an option. I used what I had learned during my own therapy. First, I acknowledged that they are afraid of their old age and what it meant. This took a few discussions before the message finally sunk in that I understand how they feel. Then I opened up about how hurt I felt at the current insults. I briefly mentioned the past emotional injuries, but didn't dwell on this too much. We still have arguments, but they are no longer as severe.
4 - I found that the elderly will often refuse to seek out their own social activities and this leads to loneliness and depression. So I planned a few: sometimes as simple as a shopping trip, sometimes an event in the city, maybe a day trip to the country for a picnic. I was simply looking for something to occupy their thoughts other than their own uncomfortable circumstances. Look for 65+ groups that plan activities especially for seniors. Some groups have drivers who offer door-to-door service. An added benefit is that you will have some time off.
5 - Exercise is essential not only to their physical well-being, but to their mental well-being as well. If your senior still can, how about an adapted yoga, or chi gong class? Or just do some movements with them.
5 - Lastly, I learned how to be stupidly funny to deflect their negativity. Make them laugh, as often as you can. Show up wearing some insane costume. Watch funny movies. If they use email, send them a joke every day. Dance a crazy little jig with the mop or broom. If you've had children, remember how you made them laugh to get over a hurt? It's the same thing. Get them to laugh as often as you can. And it's good for you too.
It's still not the easiest thing to care for the elderly, but these things have helped me. Hopefully, they help you as well.
Have her checked by dr. - she might try to avoid going so tell her it is to keep up insurance coverage - use your cell phone to record some of her worst times to show dr. - even try to go to dr. by yourself first to discuss your concerns
Check out TEEPA'S GEMS - Teepa Snow also has some short videos that I found illuminating - she should be called the 'Dementia Whisperer' - good luck & let us know what the outcome is
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