We have a long vacation planned and paid for, but with elderly parents on both sides, we're feeling guilty. How can we handle this?

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BreezysBears Asked August 2017

We have a long vacation planned and paid for, but with elderly parents on both sides, we're feeling guilty. How can we handle this?

Husband and I have had a 5 week trip planned for long time. Husbands parents in 90's and live alone. We have been helping in their care with food/supply deliveries, etc. Husbands sister lives nearby and doesn't do a thing for them so they depend on us. My own father lives in a really nice assisted living home and was just placed on Hospice. I visit him weekly and my sister lives about 5 minutes from him - I live about 40 minutes away. Dad has heart problems, blind, and dementia, but knows us most of the time. My sister has an ocean home she and her husband go to on many weekends. Sister is making me feel terribly guilty for taking a much needed 5 week trip. Helping parents on both sides has taken a toll on me. Only God knows when any one of them will pass on. How do I handle my sister and her negative comments about our trip without feeling guilt? And if any of them passes while we are gone do we pack up and come home? Or stay put and enjoy our vacation the best we can? Don't want to appear selfish, but we are also getting older in 60's and need to have a life too.

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score 9 · Answer 1

Just go!

Everyone deserves a vacation.

Ignore your sister as best you can.

I assume arrangements have been made for parent on hospice . Can the body be held until you return if he dies while you're away?

My brother and I always joke that we'll keep mom on ice until the other returns!

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score 8 · Answer 2

Tell sister you are going on vacation. Go on vacation. Enjoy vacation. Send a post card from vacation...... it will all be here when you get back. If not, there would have been nothing you could have done anyway... Go on vacation. Take it from me, it is very necessary to take care of yourself because no one else will while you are caring for others. Go on vacation! I like the life magnet idea (MAcinCT) with sister as primary contact. Go on vacation!

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score 7 · Answer 3

What jumps out to me from your question is that sis is trying to load her own guilt on your shoulders. Enjoy your vacation and if something happens so be it . Both sets of parents have other relatives nearby. Let them behave responsibly for once

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score 6 · Answer 4

As a Navy Admiral once said "Dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" Focus on the goal of your much needed vacation and take no prisoners with you. Enjoy! BTW, the Navy Admiral was victorious.

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score 6 · Answer 5

Hubby and I just returned from a 10 day trip--I alerted the families on both sides and said "we'll be out of reach for 8 of the 10 days. If anything happens, I guess you could call the cruise ship...." and we left. You can spend your entire life waiting for the "what ifs" to go away, and they never do.

Just go.

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score 5 · Answer 6

Go on your vacation and have a blast, you deserve it. Let the sister take care of your in-laws. If your in-laws are competent and nobody has POA, it won't be on you if something happens to them. Your dad is taken care of by professionals and you don't need to worry. Go on your vacation and have fun.

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score 3 · Answer 7

Thank you for your answers - it definitely helps!

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score 3 · Answer 8

Please go and have fun! You've earned it.
Life is for the living. You need a break and will come back rested and ready to assume your caregiver's hat.

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score 1 · Answer 9

Please go enjoy your trip! My 86 year old very Narcissistic mother has ALWAYS put us on a guilt trip for going any place without her. She wants to be included and center of attention ALL THE TIME. However, she is very hateful and does not appreciate anything. The minute you mention a Vacation, her claws come out. She is pretty much healthy, my brother lives with her, and we all pitch in with whatever she needs and finances, grocery, doctors appointments, etc. But in her eyes, it is never enough. She leaves us hateful voice mails while we are out of town and says she "needs some help with [makes up a task]" and "if you have time to go out of town, you can come help me a little". OMG. This has been going on for decades, even before she was elderly. Selfish to the nth degree.

Please go have fun and others can step up and do their part. You need to enjoy your Life! Cheers!

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score 1 · Answer 10

Thank you all so much for your answers - I feel much better!

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We have a long vacation planned and paid for, but with elderly parents on both sides, we're feeling guilty. How can we handle this?

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