Elderly grandmother caught in the middle. What can we do?

Never mind the will, it isn't relevant to anything as long as God willing your grandmother is still with us.

The thing is, your poor auntie. You see, most of us here have been in her shoes and will naturally tend to sympathise with her - the stress she'll be under will be doing terrible things to her sense of proportion, her openness to discussion, her toleration of any remarks or suggestions that could be perceived (never mind if rightly or wrongly) as criticism; her willingness to take the time to explain your grandmother's routines and how visits might unsettle her (your grandmother) - you name it. Talking to her may become rather like trying to cuddle a porcupine.

But communication is the only answer. Is she still speaking constructively to anyone in the family? Because this can't continue as is, of course; and please don't think I'm not sympathetic to your mother too; but it will need skilled mediation to resolve it.

Thank you all for this information. The POA does read " and" . The reason I know of the changes is because my aunt has literally told my mother and all of their other siblings. My mother is the oldest and is on the will to take over things but my aunt lives in the house with my grandmother. She has taken upon herself to change the medicaid to some how not have the nurse come over any more and the Dr only come over when needed ( only to tell my mom after it was done). My aunt has gotten to the point where she does not want my mother or my kids and I to come to the house and visit my grandmother. It has really gotten ugly. I did however tell my mother to go to the bank with her copy of the POA and see if she can find out anything.

Good points, CM.

GA is absolutely right, you need first of all to establish exactly what the terms of the joint power of attorney were.

The only extra point I'd make is that, even if they are required to act "jointly and severally", so that your aunt is able to act without your mother's agreement, your mother would still be responsible for safeguarding your grandmother's best interests and therefore still has to make herself aware of exactly what is going on. So: 1. your mother doesn't have the option of doing nothing and giving way; and 2. your aunt, while she doesn't necessarily need your mother's agreement, must still provide your mother will full information. It cuts both ways: your mother also has to tell your aunt what she's up to, too.

Anyway - no point speculating. See if you can find out exactly what it says on the POA documentation.

And you're also absolutely correct, by the way - it's your poor grandmother who's squeezed in the middle between them :( But never fear, there will be a way through.

It depends on the exact wording of the appointment. If the POA reads "mother and aunt" jointly, or something similar, then they have to act together, jointly, with both in agreement on actions.

If the POA appointment clause reads that either can act w/o concurrence of the other, then your aunt does have authority to act independently.

Does the POA or DPOA establish that your GM has to be incapable of making financial, legal, and similar decisions, or does it grant authority to the proxies whatever your GM's mental state is?

As to "chang(ing) bank account information), how was it changed? Is your aunt signatory only with your GM now? Your GM would have to sign any signature card which changes authority, and if your GM's dementia is at a stage at which she shouldn't be making financial decisions, then your aunt's actions are improper, and could be considered fraudulent.

I think you and your mother might want to visit the bank to find out exactly what was changed. BTW, how did you learn about this change?

Is your aunt claiming to be paid for caregiving, and is that allegedly arising from her authority as co-proxy under a POA or DPOA? Is there a caregiver contract?

My first stop would be to the bank, to clarify what was changed, and if necessary and if your aunt has overstepped her authority, my next action would be to contact either an Estate Planning or Elder Law attorney to discuss how to proceed, and whether fraud charges should be discussed with local law enforcement.