My mom and I have been on and off for years-for her 75th birthday I took her to Florida. I have painted her whole apartment. I have had her at my home for dinner. She has been divorced from my dad over 50 years, and when he passed away and left me his inheritance. She said it should go to her, as she raised my brother and my self. My brother died 20 years ago. ( An accidental drug over dose) I understand that would bother my mom. Years ago my mom was married when she was 18 she had two sons. She left them with their dad, and moved on her own. She met my dad married him and they divorced 5 years later so she raised my brother and I herself. When I was twelve I got into a bit of trouble so my mom put me in a group home. I still have a resentment about that, but let most of that go. My mom was never home for me and my brother working to pay things so I had to cook for him. The time she did have for us she was out with her boyfriend. Then he moved in... my brother and I disliked him very much-many reasons. He finally left after being with us over 20 years. So now I have two businesses, own my home, and my mother is bitter. If I call her she'll say you don't have time for me. When I use to visit her I used to spend 2 hours with her-She wanted more. She'd call me everyday, and I would talk to her, but if I told her I had to go she'd get mad and not call for days. Now things have changed-I haven't talked to her since Feb because all this is very draining and I need time away, and our last conversation she said "your dad told me before he died I'm not leaving you any money cause you will spend it on your boyfriends". She blamed me for saying that to him. I never said anything like that to him. He lived in another territory, he was re married and divorced, he hadn't seen my mom in 20 years nor did they talk. She's told me many times she's going fix me. So no I haven't been to see her. I don't need any more hurts or verbal abuse from her. She is a very negative woman. She has no social activities, and she doesn't bother with anyone. The problem with me is I feel a little guilty in some ways about not spending time, but on the other hand I don't want to put up with all the crap that goes on and negativity I feel when I'm around her. What do I do?
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I suggest extending the no-talk period until either on your own or with counseling you have gained the self-confidence and learned your self-worth enough to not put up with the negatives. "Mother, I've told you before I don't want to discuss my father with you. I'll phone you next week and we can talk about something else."
Do NOT try to please her or earn her love. She is incapable of accepting that. Not Your Fault.
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I was completely estranged from my mother for 15 years due to her abuse. I had planned never to see her again but suddenly changed my mind a year ago and moved back to her city because she's 90 and I was worried about her and missed having any family.
While I was estranged I read hundreds of books on narcissism, sociopathy, boundaries and various other mental health topics and got clearer and stronger about what had happened in my family.
Now I point out what my mother does and how it negatively affects me and generations of our family. It exposes manipulations and lies that she thought I was too dumb to notice.
She's ruined our family by spoiling my siblings and their kids and enabling bad behavior to get everyone on her side.
She's better now because she knows that I've left before and could leave again. I'm her only functional child--my siblings are disasters and even their kids don't like them.
It sounds like you have your own money and social support so you can survive on your own without your mother. You set the terms IF you want to see her at all. Let her suck wind if she won't be decent to you.
What seems to be bothering you is that you feel some guilt. We can tell you that you should not tolerate her abuse and removing yourself from her toxicity is your self-preservation, but you need to be able to do it without the guilt. Do some reading or get some counseling so you can be more pragmatic about your situation. No one would want to be around the kind of person you describe. She is who she chooses to be and her circumstances are of her own making. She is in charge. Either having people in her life is important enough to change her ways or not. The ball really is in her court and her responsibility - not yours.
You don't have to judge her, much less condemn her, but don't either feel responsible for what are, after all, mainly the consequences of her own actions. Do what you are happy to do for her; and frankly, from the point of view of an outsider who has only this brief outline to go on, pretty much anything you choose to do is more than she has much right to expect.
Poor mother. I don't mean to sound as harsh as I do. And very few people make such atrocious choices without input from other, more dominant people - no doubt she was sinned against, too. But the one thing everyone can be sure of is that whoever caused her troubles, it wasn't you.
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