My husband's mother doesn't want to be here, but has no other family members to help. What should we do?

Have you asked her where she would rather be and how she would afford it? It would be nice if there was a way to work out an alternative arrangement for her.

I like JessieBelle's answer - as long as she is not demented, then she should decide what she wants to do and follow through. Why are you and your husband accepting responsibility? Ball is in her court. If she decides she has to stay with you then she has to follow your rules. Is she capable of understanding that she is acting like a whiny brat? Could she qualify for senior housing? Group home?

Call the local Area Agency on Aging. Ask for a needs assessment. Ask about local low income housing for seniors.

If she is unhappy, accusatory and fussing at you, she might benefit from a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist. Sometimes meds work wonders in these situations.

CeeCii took my answer! If she has SS, she can get in a NH. It may not be glamorous and lovely, but she will be in a place that has 24/7 care. You will likely still be involved, but to a much lesser degree. YOU will choose you level of involvement.

Thanks CeeCii, for you comment., I hear this all the time---"Mom can't afford"--when the fact it, yes they can. Using the plan outlined by CeeCii, you can facilitate getting mom into a care facility.

You will literally kill yourself trying to make her happy. I mean that. Even going to visit my mother at brother's home is beyond stressful, b/c I don't know who or what I will encounter. She's had the opportunity for in home aides and for deluxe top of the line ALF...and has declined all. She lives a bored, pointless life.

I DID care for my very sick hubby for several years. He was sick and miserable and I heard it everyday, all day. As soon as he was "back" and went back to work, I had a full on, nervous breakdown. Caregivers don't understand the tremendous burden that daily caregiving causes them. I actually had my hair turn from dark brown to white in about 3 months, due to stress.

As always, we want the best for out elders. In reality, we cannot always give them that.

Good Luck....

This is a tough one. I Googled for free support groups in my area. I found the support group to be a very useful tool to find out what is available in my area. It is hard to set aside the time, but it will really help in the end

Does she have any type of home? I'd immediately get a (montly, quarterly) rental agreement and have her sign it showing a term of rental, and then you have a tool to evict her if need be. She needs to be living elsewhere. Perhaps a social services call is in order to find out what is available for her as a low income senior. Another option is what is sometimes called a group care home or in my state, a personal care home. It's essetialy a house with kitchen and activity room, and a bunch of bedrooms for residents. There are few people who live there but always at least one caregiver in attendance. It's more independence and more like a home.

Thanks! We are still trying to figure this out. She has no place to go and no other family members. We are between a rock and a hard place.

This is my dad 100% He complains that he hates living with me, but he is paralyzed from the neck down. No one else wants to deal with him or take care of him. He is not able to make good decisions for himself. He thinks he can go live by himself in California or that people will automatically put their entire lives in hold to cater to his every need. All of the family got exhausted from caring for him, that's why I have him now. He's been with me 4 years and every day he expresses his misery not being able to live how he wants. At first I listened, now I just ignore. It is a broken record. Day after day, year after year it gets old. He can't live by himself. This is what you call a decline in deductive reasoning and cognition. It's a sign of dementia when they aren't able to put full thought into their living situation and make healthy decisions. They turn very child like and the balance of power shifts, where they are no longer in control. It's very tough and emotionally exhausting. It sounds like she is being very stubborn and not taking money or insurance into consideration. Maybe you should get her evaluated for dementia. That will help with how you deal with her moving forward.

Also, let me add this. If she has Medicare, then she does qualify for a nursing home. But it is called "rehab" If she ever has a hospital stay for 3 days...it has to be exactly 72 hours then Medicare automatically covers 20 days of rehabilitation in a skilled nursing facility. This costs absolutely no money. Medicare by law covers it fully. Upon discharge, they set up skilled nursing in the home. Physical therapy, occupational, speech, etc. Medicare covers 9 weeks of skilled care at a time before a new order needs to be written. So the next time your mother in law has a hospital stay, Or even if she's had a low grade temp then call 911 and have her go to the ER. If she is admitted, then she has nursing home care and you will have a break. There is always a loop hole. Take advantage of Medicare fully whenever you can.

Does she have any assets at all? My friend's mother was low income, only got Social Security, but it was enough to get her into a board-and-care home here. A beautiful old house in the village, 6 bedrooms, shared baths, someone on the premises 24/7 (but NO medical care, no personal care, no ferrying about to doctors appointments and such) - three meals a day (young women came in to cook). Her mother had a beautiful bedroom, brought all her own furniture of course, but it was nicer than my own bedroom! They charged $1500 a month, there was still a little left over for Depends, new clothes as needed, an occasional luncheon out with the other residents ....sorry to ramble on, but I had never heard of such a thing till recently. It's like assisted living, only locally, not in a chain like Brookside. But someone has to supply Depends, furnishings, clothes, OTC things like denture cream, and take them to all their appointments.