I am a 17 year old girl in high school, and my grandmother is dying of cancer. She had helped raise me and my older sister because our mother was a single parent, and now she has little memory of me. My mother and sister tell me I am selfish because I do not want to care for her, but it's just that I never had a death in the family and don't know how to go about this. I just need some opinions... I don't think that I should be caring for my grandmother alone, when she can't even walk. What if she dies in my care? Should a 17 year old really have this responsibility? Am I being selfish? Please, I don't want to feel alone on this.
36 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
The former would be such a bad idea that I can't imagine it's the case. So assuming that what you're afraid of is being left in charge for relatively short periods, I have a couple of ideas that I hope might reassure you.
You're only 17, and I can imagine that the idea of your grandmother needing help and not recognising you as someone she knows is pretty panic-inducing. But have more faith in yourself. Courage isn't about not being afraid of things. Courage is about "feel the fear and do it anyway." Looking back, doing this could be something to learn from and be proud of having faced.
On the practical side, what might you have to do for her? Break it down into individual tasks. You can make a phone call if she needs urgent medical or hospice help - or if you need urgent advice, come to that. You can fetch her a drink. You can hold a bowl if she needs to puke. You can wash her face, brush her hair, plump her pillows. You can read your text books sitting quietly in your grandmother's bedroom just as well as you can in your own. Above all, you can hold her hand.
Talk to your mother about what exactly is expected of you. Make sure you understand clearly what you should do, step by step, if something seems to be happening that you don't know how to handle. If you feel that you're being asked to spend too much time caregiving and it's affecting your school work or activities or friendships (although, by the way, good friends will be supporting you, not whining about your not being able to go out the whole time), then negotiate - offer to do what you think is fair, rather than getting into a fight about the whole situation.
Death is frightening. It isn't right to tell you that you're weak or selfish to want to get away from it. But you will grow as a person if you can face it squarely and know that you've done all you can to make this sad time easier on your whole family. Good luck, look after yourself, and come back to let us know how you're doing.
Caring for an older person is challenging enough for a young person, but more so when that older person is dying.
If your GM can't walk, not only should you not have sole responsibility or even joint responsibility for her care, but she should have professional support as well.
ADVERTISEMENT
If you are given 12 hour stretches where you are the sole caregiver and must make sure she eats or she will die, then yes, you should not be doing that much, & she needs hospice care. Which?
By the way, you have had deaths in your family, you were just kept from their knowledge. Isn't that unfair, that you are almost an adult yet you have not learned how to deal with life's unpleasant truth? Studies show life has a 100% fatality rate.
And what is it you are being asked to do? Sit with her and read, feed her, give her medication?
Is your GM on hospice? At home ? In a facility? It's difficult to know what's appropriate without knowing more about the situation.
The accusations that you are not fulfilling your "duties" are beyond ridiculous...
Please reach out to authorities and get yourself out of the outrageous situation..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
See All Answers