When we discussed her moving in with us she was living in squalor and wasn't taking care of herself. She said she fell 2 times. She was visiting food pantries and collecting homemade crafts. After moving in with me, 52 years old still very active with my 5 grown children and 2 young grandchildren and my 55 year old husband) she's proven to be able to care for herself but chooses not to. Can still drive but won't go out to meet others her age. Shops and cooks for herself but because she has horrible hygiene habits I refuse to be around her in my own home. She still owns a house which was rented out but is soon to be vacated. She has income so that's not an issue. The only thing I can figure out is that she's lonely. I work, because I have to day in and day out most of 6 months and when there's no work my husband and I like to go visit friends and family ( we live in a resort area). She refuses to take care of herself or the spaces she uses in our home, like the kitchen and living room. ( we live downstairs for privacy where we've adapted thus giving her access to kitchen, living room and porches. We have a make shift kitchenette and our own living space) she will not go out unless she's going to shop and that's usually once month or to a doctor appointment which she will cancel in a heart beat. Long story short she's still lonely and we're miserable. I've lost my temper with her a couple of times and she's interfered in family on goings too many times that my children do not want to come see me. She has made everyone feel uncomfortable in one way or another. I am starting to believe she gave me her sob story and me being the eldest and most financially able to do so fell prey to her and asked her to move in with us. ( we spent a lot of money fixing up her home to get it rental ready and rearranged our home for her ease.) She's mean, hurtful, and vengeful but finds a way to turn all things around to make me feel like I'm the one who's done wrong. I find jobs to stay away from house as much as possible now. I prepare meals away from the house so that my husband and I are not eating take out. My husband is my sounding board and shoulder for crying on. We don't discuss anything in the house. We talk during work or in the car. All I do these days is complain. I catch myself spying on her to see what's going on with my house by finding excuses to be upstairs. I know she can take care of herself, maybe not up to my standards but still capable. Should I feel completely awful and how do I go forward?
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When approached I think they would each say some variation of this: "Oh Mom! If your house is in such disarray we'll come over and clean it up (or hire a firm that specialized in that). I'm sorry you have had to use a food shelf. I know you can afford to support yourself, so how about if I get your finances straightened out and then have a look at them once a month? If you are lonely you might enjoy a retirement community. I'll help you sell your house."
In other words, none of my children or step-children would ignore my problems. They'd help. But invite me to move into their homes? Nope. It wouldn't happen.
So you don't want your mother to live in your home. (For good reason.) My kids wouldn't want that either. Should you all feel guilty about that? Absolutely not. Love your mother. Help her solve whatever problems she has. Just do it with her living elsewhere.
On a practical note, look up what the requirements are to evict someone in your county. (It varies somewhat.) Then prepare to do what is necessary. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Let's hope Mother can be persuaded to move just on your request. But be prepared to take legal action if she resists.
I believe guilt serves a useful purpose when we have done something wrong. But unearned guilt is a waste of energy.
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If she refuses and you have no lease, have her sign a 1 month lease from right now. Put it in safe keeping away from the house, and give notice in 2 weeks. You can start eviction proceedings once you have a lease to break. That process usually takes 3 mos.
I know, you are shocked that I would bring up evicting a parent. I'm in a group of children of mentally ill hoarders, and this scenario plays out repeatedly. Hoarders often feel like they own their adult children and everything the children own. No surprise at all.
House, and Back into Her Own!
It is not fair what she has done, disrupting your home as she had, and the first thing is to begin the eviction process, as sad and difficult as that might be, but her home will then be available for her, and Whalaa, back she goes!
You can then set up social services to help her, but you cannot go on this way!
Don't be a martyr, this is your home, your marriage and family your talking about! You can still assist her, help her to get the services she needs, and probably meds for her depression too!
This is your life, don't let your mother hold you hostage!
I agree that she seems to have depression or some other mental disorder. She needs to see someone who can actually help her with that. Living with you doesn't seem to help with her issues and she's just dragging you down along with her.
If only she would get out and do some volunteer work, doing something she really likes and come home feeling good about herself. But getting her to that front door won't be easy.
Falling happens to many of us, I had a major fall in my late 60's where there was injury. I recovered and went back to work. Now I am more careful about the shoes I wear, as I had fallen off the ones I had one that day of the fall :P
As for her hygiene habits, buy her some baby wipes for adults, nicely scented ones. She can use those inbetween bathing. As we all get older, there is that fear of falling in the tub. Set up her house with grab bars in the shower and bathroom area. Make sure there is a rubber mat in the bathtub. Maybe a shower chair might help her.
If you can get her help with that, it would be a blessing. But having her live with you is not the help she needs, nor is it good for you or your famiky.