Sandsue Asked September 2017

How do I tell my mentally ill father who just went into a nursing home that he isn't going home?

My 81 yr old father is not adjusting to the nursing home we just placed him in. I'm his daughter and just gained guardianship for him. He has end stage kidney disease, diabetes, a severe ulserated leg with his bone exposed (13 inches to date), vein disease, early stage dementia and high blood pressure and he can't walk. He is screaming to go home. He is demanding his cell phone ( his room has no phone). If we give him his cell, he will call 911 or a friend to get him out ( he's done it before). His previous lifestyle involved a 52 yr old woman that had been a so-so care giver and we learned she was stealing money from him. They apparently were in a relationship many yrs ago and last yr he bought her a house and all contents (paid cash). She has 2 teenagers and a drug addict boyfriend who is going to be deported. He has been funding her and her drama for years. We have been estranged from our father ( she played a big part). My father reached out to me 5 months ago thinking he was near death and wanted me to come to him. I flew down and saw what was going on. I hired a lawyer and now as stated earlier..im his guardian. I feel so bad for him...but I feel he's getting the best care now. Am I doing the right thing???

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Yes, you are doing the right thing. This is tough but you have guardianship and must hang tough.

You could try fibbing to him a little, when you get better you'll go home etc. Also, maybe just step back. Waaaaay back. Manage his care but you don't have to visit. He's not going to be happy no matter what you do.

So many people lead ruinous lives then near the end expect the kids to step in and save the day.

You may want to gave him evaluated for hospice. End stage kidney failure, exposed bone?!

Helpful Answer (21)

Your dad is very lucky to have you looking out for him. Things could be so much worse for him.

No guilt. Good luck with this and take care of yourself first.

Helpful Answer (19)

I forgot to to add, no matter what, don't give him his cell phone and let the nurses know about the cell phone and calling. Your father isn't happy that he can't call the shots anymore, you do.

Helpful Answer (14)

You made the right choice for your dad. He isn't going to be happy no matter what you do or say. Happiness is a choice only he can make and some are only happy when they are miserable. Their greatest joy is making others miserable along with them. Being in a nursing home is the best thing for him. He is getting the medical attention he needs, he is safe and fed and hopefully clean as well.

Helpful Answer (13)

Hi, I went through a similar situation with my Dad when placed in a NH. I knew it was the best place for him and he asked to "go home" all the time. I don't think he even knew where home was! It was very hard on me being the sole caregiver and making all the decisions hoping they were the right ones. I never actually told him he wasn't going home. I would say, "I'm working on it, Dad. We have to see how things progress." Just very general white lies. And absolutely tell the nurses about the cell phone and his past experiences with calling people to get him out. Someone else wrote he is angry because he is no longer making the decisions and that is so true. In the end, the only thing my Dad had control over was his intake and that was that. It's very sad. But I also agree with the idea that you don't have to be there all the time. Give yourself some space. Best of luck and keep us posted.

xo
-SS

Helpful Answer (11)

All good advice...Additionally, I'd go a step futher: Nursed and Aids come and go:
1. Have his house doctor issue a standing order that he is not to be allowed to use a phone at any time.
2. Have the order posted to the wall outside of his room..
Reasons: Nurse/ide turnover and frequent substitutes. I learned in 12 years of visiting wife in nursing home that word of mouth instructions only work to a point.
Someone WILL forget or not be told.
Nail it down.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Helpful Answer (11)

I know what you're going through is so hard. I'm about to lose my dad to lung disease. He is 90 & also in a nursing home.
My mother is in a nearby assisted living. I stay very busy.
I also am their guardian.
These decisions are very hard but their mental capacity will only keep diminishing, so you have done the right thing. Its just hard for them to give up control. I tell mine whatever they want to hear even if it is little white lies.
You have to do what you have to. Good luck & praying for you.

Helpful Answer (10)

I'm am very greatful for the quick responses!!!! I need all the encouragement I can get. God bless you 😁

Helpful Answer (9)

All that is such good advice, Sandsue. The thought of the havoc that your Dad would cause by having a phone is horrific. First I took my husband's mobile charger away, said it had disappeared and I would have to get another. And eventually I took the mobile.
I also made sure the staff knew not to let him use any other phone. ❤️ 🙏

Helpful Answer (7)

Don't tell him he's not coming home. My husband who is 82 is in long term care. I've told him when he can stand and walk on his own he will be able to come home. But I know that won't happen. He is in stage 6 dementia, has heart trouble, kidney problems, broke his hip in May and hasn't been able to walk on his own. He's been in a wheelchair since. Sometimes a little white lie is necessary. I agree with the person who said to step back and maybe don't visit too much. You are doing good. Hugs and prayers for you!!

Helpful Answer (6)

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How do I tell my mentally ill father who just went into a nursing home that he isn't going home?

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