My husband & I retired last year and moved down the street from my parents. Our home for the past 23 years sold quickly & our plans to build went out the window. With a closing date on our old house looming overhead, the prospect of moving twice was very unappealing. We ended up buying a house just seven houses down. We moved here for a variety of reasons - the lakes, the taxes are much cheaper, housing is a little cheaper and I would be close to my aging parents (early 80's). They are active & self sufficient but things can change quickly so we thought it best not to be two hours away. Since we moved, my mother especially has acted like I am supposed to spend all my time with her. It has taken me a while to get to this point but I have managed to reduce dinners to a couple of times a week. In the beginning I felt like I was supposed to invite them over whenever I cooked a meal or invite them to go with us whenever we ate out. Quite honestly, I don't like to spend that kind of time with anybody. My mother is rather picky as is my husband when it comes to food. Trying to find a restaurant that pleases them both was frustrating, to say the least. Sometimes I would rather not eat that have to deal with that. I'm used to my husband's picky ways but I don't want to have to deal with another one. We go to the casinos that are about an hour and a half away about once a month. We usually go together but have to do things on their time schedule. They have a dog that gets insulin twice a day. So we cannot go before 10 and we have to get back by 10 as well. At first it wasn't a big deal but it has become one. They don't like to partake of the free casino food, so we have to stop along the way & eat. We used to like to go & spend the night. If we try to do something they really can't do, my mother gets mad & pouts for an extended period of time. As a matter of fact, she was mad at another family member this past weekend and when she gets like that, she's mad at the world. I just stay away from her. Since she was in the state of mind, my husband suggested later that afternoon we sneak off to the casino since she probably wouldn't be calling. How funny, I said, we are both in our 60's, but we are sneaking around like a couple of teenagers up to no good. About 10 that night my dad called my husband. He didn't answer because he didn't want to let on like we were at the casino because it would make my mother even madder that we would dare to go without her. She once refused to speak to me for a few weeks upon learning I went to the casino with my friends without her. That was years ago. Anyway, my mother began calling me & leaving voicemails. I finally called her back because I was worried that something might be wrong but that wasn't it at all. It was something my dad wanted to say to my husband about an upcoming poker tourney & it could have waited. My mother was upset that I didn't ask her to go but I said it was spur of the moment and we didn't even get there until nearly 6 pm. She tried to act like it wasn't a big deal but she called me a dumb ass at least twice in the conversation & reminded me she could have gone & my dad could have stayed home with the dog. My problems are many with my mother & I know I should do what my brothers do & essentially ignore her & live my life. Through the years she has placed such a huge burden on me. Every holiday was spent hosting some family event because if the calendar said holiday, they would come into town. I'm not just talking Thanksgiving & Christmas. Birthdays, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day ... My brothers & their families would give them a few hours of their time but I didn't have that luxury. My holidays were tied up practically from the time I got home from work until it was time to go back to work after the holiday. I am very resentful & conflicted. I love my parents to pieces but I resent them, too. My husband & I have always been very self sufficient. I've never asked them for money or help of any kind. Yet they both want to weigh in even on our financial decisions. Help!
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My prayers are with you and your husband. By all means go have fun and enjoy your retirement.
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Live your life. If feelings are hurt that is not your problem. That your parents have few visitors is not your problem. And you are not responsible for filling their social calendar.
If you and your husband want to take a break from your parents, the upcoming holidays are the perfect time to start a new tradition. I'll share with you a true story. A dear friend of mine who was fed up with all the cooking and cleaning that preceded hosting Thanksgiving decided to rent a small cabin in Vermont to spend Thanksgiving alone with her husband. She made reservations at a historic and award-winning inn for dinner. She informed her family that she was not hosting turkey day. Yes, people were "shocked" and feelings were "hurt" but people got over themselves and life went on. She goes back every year.
All that to say go and live your life and do so out in the open.
I didn't want to move back, so I talked her into a trial period with a local friend who needed a place to stay. My mother was at first very resistant but eventually came to realize her new housemate was a godsend. Now I no longer have a room to stay in there, so I drive over once a week or so to take her to dr. appointments and errands. I'm sorry that most of what I did would probably not work for you, being that you're married and your mother's needs are mainly emotional at this point. That shouldn't stop you from finding a better balance for yourself and your husband. It sounds like you wanted to build somewhere else before you moved down the street from your parents. Any chance you would revisit this idea, and thereby gain a little distance and a new all-consuming occupation that could be a ready excuse when your mother wants you at her side?
I think what GardenArtist said may be right, or at least I think it describes my mother. She wants to keep me close to make sure I'll be there for her when and if she needs my help. Short of moving, you need to figure out where you need to draw the line and then hold to it. You have a husband and a good reason (as well as a good excuse) to claim some time away from your mother including nights out and vacations. There will be plenty of time to be constant companions when she's older and really needs your help.
I didn't think of this before, but she might also be clinging to you because you're her daughter, she's afraid of getting older and being alone, and is reaching out to "entrap" (for lack of a better term) you and keep you close to comfort her as she faces an uncertain future?
I've thought many times my mother wants to live my life & hers, too. I recently visited a friend in another state and it renewed my desire to buy a place there to spend summers like my friends do. I know it's not going to go over well but I am going to have to have one of those meetings. My husband deserves my time as well. He deserves me without my parents always figuring into our plans. He's been great about it but we deserve to live our lives, too. For the first time in 35 years, we have no real constraints yet I feel utterly confined.
I also understand they are lonely. Most of their friends have died. My dad has a few hobbies, but mother depends on me mainly for her entertainment. I had to tell her something I thought she already knew but I am an intensely private person. I like people, I love my friends & family but I love love love my alone time. When my husband takes off on one of his overnight fishing trips, I'm ecstatic but my mother is always trying to steal that time.
We eat out, we get our mani & pedis, we shop but beyond that, there is little more I want to do. I don't need to be sitting in their living room nor do they need to be in mine through out the week.
She has all but alienated my brothers & their families. She is so outspoken on so many things. I told her that just because she thinks something doesn't mean it has to be said. She is upset because she thinks she can't have an opinion. I told her she can have her opinions but if they serve to inflame, just keep it to herself. Well, that's not going to happen. As a result, my brothers have good reason to keep her at arms length.
I shall continue to look for support as well as validation when my guilt gets the best of me. Thanks again.
Of course you are resentful. There is a lot here to resent.
I think you are on the right path. Detach as much as you have to to relieve some of that resentment. How about dinner once a week, or twice a month, or once a month? If you have found a restaurant the suits everyone, that is the only one you will go to with them. If there isn't one, stop going out to dinner with them. I'm pretty sure your mother can dial 911 if there is a true emergency. Don't feel you always have to take her calls.
Let the past go. You can't go back and not have to host all those holiday. Dwelling on that only feeds your resentment and I'm sure that doesn't feel good to you. Focus on standing firm going forward.
If this detaching makes you feel conflicted and you find it especially difficult, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist will provide the support you need and deserve.
I don't write that to be critical; it's what comes through in your post.
You might have to have a "come to caregiving" talk and tell them that you both need to leave separate lives, that you support them, but that you aren't children and don't need to explain where you go and what you do.
Your mother will probably get upset. I wouldn't worry about that as much as I would worry about hurting her feelings, which I would not want to do.
Another thing you could try is telling her when you're going, but indicate that you need some husband and wife time alone and will be spending other times with her, but just not this particular trip. So you take something away, make a stand, but offer something else.
This is an issue which could escalate, so it's important to take a stand now, but how to do it diplomatically without hurting anyone's feelings can always be the challenge in this kind of situation.