What do I do for my mother who hates being in the dementia care facility for 4 days so far?

Yes I totally think they are wise words talkey and im working a night shift tonight so ive had lots to think about all night.I have to realise I cant give her everything she needs and if I uproot her again and it didnt work out I would have to go through the whole process again and with that brings more upset for her.thank u that helped so much

Again thank you.   We are all in this together.  

Ah so sad erinm60 my mam had breast cancer 4 years ago but was caught early so a lumpectomy and radiotherapy was all that was needed.so she got over that but then a year later diagnosed mixed dementia.she has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.had a few minor strokes.I will keep posting to share this journey with everyone going through the same.it keeps me sane.

I too thought about bringing Dad home awhile back, & some very wise person on this site pointed out to me that where we are now is undoubtedly as good as it gets. Meaning, even if I thought I could do it today, what about the decline that could come tomorrow, or the next day? And then the next step down from that? And I think what some are saying here is what has been suggested to me -- that I may be a trigger for Dad to remember that he doesn't want to be there & I should take him home with me. And when I see how well he's doing there, it's bc they have a staff (& they're young) to take care of him. Here it's only me. Just food for thought...

thank you Kath61. We all really try to do the best we can. This is a nasty cruel disease. My moms friend died last year. No dementia. Cancer. She was diagnosed July 4 , died Labor Day. In a way in my opinion, so much easier.  I was with her a day before she died.  She asked how's your mother ?  I said the same.  She said " at least I know what's wrong with me"

Thanx again everyone,it really helps me.to erinm60 yes my mam said that too and I vowed I never would but I live alone and I need to work to pay my bills.it was such a hard decision but she needed to be safe and I knew I really couldnt give her the proper help she needed.im always thinking did I do the right thing and the guilt is unbearable sometimes.its a cruel illness and the most traumatic situation when u have to make a decision on whats best for them.but whats best for them, to them is the worst thing.im not gonna pretend to u that its gonna be ok for your mother in the future cos it wont be.its very hard but u learn to deal with it.and having this amazing forum helps so much.u realise u arent alone.

My mil ls in a MC..when we just pop in she is OK,, going along with activities. But every time fil visits.. she says "don't forget to take me with you"... So I think you have to take it as normal.. and give her some more time. She is OK once FIL leaves...

Hi kath61. I'm a few years behind you I think. My mom lives with me. Dementia. Still an ok situation. However , I know the time will come when I can't provide the care she will need. She told our hairdresser a few days ago that she will never put one foot " in one of those places" and plans on dying in her own bed. Which happens to be in my house. Lol. But please keep posting. I'm so fearful of the day I'll be in your shoes.

Don't give up your job. Think of all the reasons that won't work. Write them down. That helps.
Try some of the suggestions. Reread your own posting about the two weeks. I am sorry she had to leave the first placement and go through this transition again.
Hugs to you and mom both.

Thanx for all the advice.I forgot to mention she was in a temporary placement for 3 months before this permanent one and she settled after 2 weeks but this time its far worse with the wanting to kill herself etc so thats why I was more concerned.she seems so much more distraught.I know its early days but im such a worrier and I love her and want her to be happy.im even considering giving up my job to care for her

kath61, four days isn't enough time for your Mom to adjust to her new home. Usually a facility will ask the grown children and other relatives not to visit for two weeks. That way Mom will be pretty much forced to learn her way around, to meet the Staff, meet new people.... in fact, that will give her a sense of control.

It is not unusual for an elder to say they want to go home, no matter how long they have been living in Memory Care. Eventually "going home" will mean going back to their childhood home where life was fun and much simpler. And sometimes "going home" means going to the Lord.

I remember a couple years back someone had written on the forum that their Mom hated her Assisted Living place, didn't make friends, and wanted to move back to the daughter's home, etc. Well the daughter had been visiting Mom the same time every day, so Mom was in wait for her. Daughter decided to pop in to see Mom during a time her Mom didn't expect her. Well, Mom was having a blast with her new friends at an activity. Daughter decided to stop visiting so often, and to visit without notice.

Kath
Some never adjust - do you have a friend or a relative who could pop in and have lunch or an afternoon coffee and cookie with mom ?
I've made it a point until very recently not to visit mom during the day as it upset her too much when I left so my visits were at night until she fell asleep

I've seen many folks have meltdowns when their loved ones leave them behind and while each facility is different, imagine for all intense purposes being locked in without access to a phone to speak with your loved one - Placement in a dementia care facility may be necessary but it doesn't mean it's easy

Some spend hours with their belongings in their hands trying to escape - mom would tie her shoes to her walker and throw her clothes on the cross bar and wait in the lobby to check out and she would tell me she didn't know where to find me

I have no idea if staying away helps the adjustment or not but I can say in my experience you might be told everyone thing is just fine if you call and it may not be - depends on how just fine is being defined

As long as you feel you've made the best decision then move forward without regret but remain present in mom's life - her journey isn't over yet

Kath
I haven't had this experience and I know that it must be heart breaking. I've read on this site many times that it isn't recommended that you visit for awhile after placement. This allows your mom to become acclimated to her new surroundings.
She may be doing okay until she sees you and then remembers where she would rather be.
I know I would check to make sure that all things are in order without her knowing. Clean, plenty of help, good food, planned activities, that she is getting her meds etc. that she is eating.
Talk to the social worker or other contacts you have at her facility. They have been through this many times and should have some advice for you. Four days isn't very long.
Others on this site who have had the experience are sure to answer.
It isn't your fault. She is clinging to you no doubt as her only hope to return her to what she thinks of as normal. I'm sure she is afraid and miserable but hopefully that will pass as she settles in.
I'm sorry that it is so hard for you. I'm sure you have done all that you could on your own.
It is good that you came here for help. That's what this site is all about.
Let us know how it goes.

Of course she hates it. Wasn't really in her aging plan. Give her some time to adjust..