Is it normal to leave loved one at an assisted living facility without any contact or visits for a period of time?

It is perfectly normal and I am glad it is working out for both of you. I am a distance caregiver and do not see mother regularly, but I am in touch with the staff and always drop in unannounced and always find mother well cared for. She is also one who always blames and I have been the scapegoat. You have to realize that it is her problem and that you are a good daughter doing what is right for her and also looking after yourself. With someone like that you can never do enough or do things well enough to please her. She will always complain. It is not your fault. Take care of you.

Hello Terrified
You sound sooo much better and I'm glad your mom is better too!
Thanks for keeping us up to date.

Thanks for the update Terrified. I'm glad that your mom is doing much better! Once her leg has healed, will she stay in the MC unit? I went to se my mom last night, after being told by the head nurse that she was doing a bit better. She said mom was getting out of her room and talking to some people, but she had no interest I the activities yet. I was also told that she had fallen asleep sitting next to another woman on the couch in the common area, but at least she was out of her room. She is still getting acclimated slowly and it could take some time because everybody is different.

Anyway, when I walked in last night I saw her in the common area, she was leaning her head on this lady's shoulder and the napping. When she opened her eyes and saw me she looked like she couldn't believe it was me standing there. Then she sat up and started making these noises like she was sobbing, but there were no tears. I decided to take her to her room because the others were trying to watch TV. She sat in her favorite chair that I had brought when she moved in and she just kept begging me to get her out of there. I calmed her down and then she seemed okay, but she told me that she felt so alone and that there was nothing to do. I encouraged her to keep going out to the common area and get to know the others. She said she didn't know how to do that, so I had to explain the introduction process to her. The problem is that she's very shy until she gets to know someone. I also asked her to check out the activities, but maybe it's too soon for that. I stayed for an hour and when I left, I took her back out to the common area, as I don't want her to stay in room all the time. She seemed just "ok" and I hated to leave. I know that seeing me upset her so I guess I may have to stay away again for a few days. It's heart breaking because she can't remember anything and doesn't know why she is there. I'm sure that she will eventually get used to things.

hi coralmae, thank you for your information in regards to your mom, my mom i left there for 5 days which included a weekend, she adjusted really good, talking with people with similar problems and seems like shes getting along good, she has a roommate that is giving some problems but we will try to get that straightened out, but i think she likes the company and the activiite's in the assisted living facility with memory care, i went to visit just last night, and she was just talkative, gave me no complaints about me not being there for the 5 days, we seemed to have a little more to talk about, plus i brought her another lamp for her room that will reach over the bed so she at least can read in bed, but your right as i was told if your mom starts complaining or getting agitated with you, just say ok mom when your feeling better i'll come back and visit but for now i'm going to leave, say i love you mom and walk out.
but it sounds like and I've witnessed w/my mom that they are both going to get along well in their new surroundings from terrified

I wonder if the director told you this because it's standard operating procedure. Because of staffing, it may take them a week to learn about your mom and her health care, personal and emotional needs and behaviors. From what I've seen in facilities, staff does not have much time to spend one on one with residents, new or otherwise. Maybe the director feels that they could get Mom into a routine and somewhat accepting of her circumstances, and if you visited she might revert, as my mom did, to blaming you and become angry and upset again. This is what happened in my case. Mom got little comfort from my visits at first. She was nasty, accusatory, and the staff told me it took them all afternoon to settle her down after I left. It was a good 3 weeks before I could visit without upsetting her. Then, I stayed for lunch, we talked about happy memories, and when I left, she was at peace and took a good long nap.

Terrified, last week I moved my mom into a memory care unit in the afternoon. The head nurse asked me to stay away for the first night so they could try to get her acclimated. They know what they are doing. I didn't go over that night but I've been over once a day since then. My mom was really upset when I arrived last night, and asked several times when she could go home. I comforted her but I did notice that she was out of her room talking to other people. Somehow, I felt like I was interfering with any progress that she made, so I am going to skip a day or two and see how she does. I hope that this has helped you and that you can stop worrying.

well you all give great and disturbing answers however i'm sure you all don't have this mom, much less one that gets enraged and yes does blame me since last july 2016 for everything from my dying dad to her marriage to taking everything from her, so in answer all great advices to take on , the Assisted Living place is top notch i would not have placed her anywhere that wasn't or too my liking in any case, but i will take all of your answer into consideration, and i thank you for your advises. I will write again on any progress in this situation. from terrified

I'm with Gershun. Falling is going to impact her focus, self image and recovery. Being in a new facility will as well, and PT will challenge her physically. Overall, however, her control over her daily schedule of life will be taken away and she will need to respond to a series of others setting tasks for her.

Not seeing her only child might make her feel abandoned.

I honestly feel repulsed and disgusted by the suggestion by the director that you stay away for a week. I do understand that that might be necessary in memory care, but not combined with post fall recovery.

Recovery from a fall is a time when family especially need to be there to provide support. Suddenly she's lost her independence and is reliant on others, and she'll feel alone at night or when someone she doesn't know takes her to a shower and disrobes her.

There's another issue and that is that PT and OT are going to exhaust her. She'll become disoriented, fatigued, feeling abandoned and I can't see how this could possibly be beneficial.

And yet another critical issue is that she will need someone to interface with staff for her, to ensure that she's helped with meals if she needs that assistance, that she's able to get to the bathroom timely, to ensure that her meds are proper, that she gets extra blankets if she needs them, and that she stays warm and comfortable. And these are all important issues.

I've found that rehab facilities typically add unnecessary meds, such as anti-diarrheal or even laxative meds, anti-reflux meds, and sometimes psychotropics. One of the first things that I would do if I were you is to ask for a list of the meds they're giving her, and be prepared to argue your case on why she might not need all that extra medicine.

Dear Terrified,

I know its hard to see your mom in a nursing home. It is a stressful time. Do what you feel is best for you. If you want to see her, then go see her. If you want to give it even an day or two than do so. If you still have a lot anxiety or guilt, consider talking to social worker, therapist or counsellor or joining a support group.

I wanted to add.
Why are you worried about being blamed?
You have done nothing but follow drs orders. Right ?
Did you break your moms leg?
This is what happens to everyone when a bone breaks if they get care.
Think a little more of yourself.
How dare she be angry. My mother had a saying. She can get glad the same way she got mad.
You are not her personal servant.
What is she going to do? Spank you?
If her temper is as bad as you write then she will probably have a stroke soon. Will that be your fault too?? What made you so powerful?
And what are your options ? What can you do besides take her for care? If you go back and she is ugly you need to walk out and do not come back until she can behave. She needs to be worried about you being angry.
And know this, there is often only one taking care of an elder regardless of how many siblings there are in the family. Don't take that as an extra burden. Straighten up and fly right. You need to care for yourself a little better to get through this. Hugs
There's a new you I bet with some rest and time to take a breath.

Not sure if I agree with the notion that nursing homes will take care of your Mom when you are not there. I think it's hit and miss. I would check the place out and ask people how the staff and care are in that facility. It could be perfectly fine.

Regardless of what your mother is going through,
You need to remember that you matter too. How you feel. What you have been through and are going through is just as important as what your mom is going through. Deep breath. Check in with yourself.
If you are truly terrified then it's for sure time to take a step back. Find someone who can go in your place to check on things and make sure your mom is okay and has what she needs for her therapy. And then take a break. Get some rest. Whatever you do, do not spend all your time with your mom. Allow her time to settle in and have her needs addressed. She is there for therapy. Therapy is hard work.
Take this time to get therapy for yourself. It can make all the difference for you and mom. You might send mom a card and let her know you are thinking of her and will see her soon. But take care of yourself.
Calm down. Eat healthy. Take walks. If you still feel terrified then it's too soon to go see her.

I've heard this advice given before. I personally don't agree with it. I don't see the benefits of stressing someone out who is most likely already stressed to the max by dropping them off and then disappearing for a while. But, they are the experts, I guess.

I didn't follow this procedure with my Mom and don't think I interfered by visiting in the beginning. I guess it's all individual. Use your own gut instinct about this is my advice.

Wow..you do sound terrified. Take a DEEP BREATH!

First, please don't type in all caps. It's hard to read and understand. (no judgment, just a comment)

You need to come back with some more information. Just, how old is mom? DO you normally care for her? IS this change new to her? Is she combative and scary?

A week seems excessive, but we don't know your mother. Talk to the NH director in person and ask straightforward if one or two VERY short visits will be OK. She's not in prison.

Sounds like the worst she could really do is yell at you...my mother threw a bedpan at me. (Plastic, empty, thank goodness)....

The "only child who gets blamed for everything".....nope, we've never heard of that....J/K....it's all over these boards.

Please just calm down. The facility is FOR people like your mom. If she is "raging" at the staff, they will likely sedate her, mildly, so she can be moved and such. This is not their first rodeo.

I would think that the NH just wants her to settle into a routine w/o "meddling" family members micromanaging the care. I doubt it's personal to you--so ask someone if you can still visit, but make them short and sweet and get out. She will acclimate faster if not being fussed at.
Do come back, if only for moral support.

I've heard the same advice given to others. With the amount of terror, fear and guilt that you are expressing here, I think that a therapist could help you deal with this greatly. Take care of yourself. Your mother is being care for and is safe where she is.