My Mom went to a nursing home when she fell & cracked her ribs in early 2016. She is now 85 years old. My nephew lives at her house & was taking care of her just before she feel.He had lost his home in Divorce. Last Oct. they tried to bring her home to live because of the cost of nursing home was not being paid by medicare any longer. After she got home she tried to hit my sister, and was very angry with my nephew. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia before this.She begin not to take meds as needed, would not hardly eat, was angry all the time. Then all of the sudden she called nursing home saying come & get me. Then she left on foot & got picked up by stranger & taken back to nursing home. She told them some off the wall tale of my sister & nephew trying to kill her by gasing her in blue bubble & digging a hole to bury her in. My sister & nephew would not harm a fly. Now she is in nursing home & she dropped my sister as POA. We tried to get her to let my sister be POA again she agreed, & then she changed her mind. Now my sister will not go & see her anymore. She said her Mom is dead & she will not be back to see her. I talk to my Mom once a week cause I live in a different state, & she says she doesn't know why my sister will not come & see her. I told her once that she was so hurt cause she refused to let her be POA again. She just says why would that keep her away? I just tell her I don't know from now on. What should I do? What should my sister do? Please reply soon, Thank, Ken
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When the nursing home accepted her back, how were they expecting to be paid? Have they started the Medicaid application process for her?
I also have the same question your mother has, about Sis not visiting: "why would not having POA keep her away?" Would your sister really say, "I love my mother, but only if I can be POA." Or "I love my mother but not when her broken brain isn't working" ? Because that is what her actions are saying.
I suspect (hope) that this isn't about POAs or love. It is about a total lack of understanding of what a diagnosis of dementia means. For many people who haven't encountered it, it is just about memory loss. But memory loss is the tip of the iceberg, and often not the most significant symptom. There is an actual physical problem in the brain that can be seen on autopsy. This is not "psychological" at all -- it is all in her head, but in a very literal way.
Thinking that Sis is digging a grave for her is a delusion, and a very frightening one. Thinking that she can't trust Sis is paranoia.
What should you tell your mom?
"I'm not sure why Sis isn't visiting. I know that she thinks you are mad at her. Should I tell her that you are not mad and she can come? I know she loves you very much, and so do I." [change topics] "Mom, I remember when Sis and I persuaded you to go on a roller coast with us ..."
What should you tell your sister?
"Sis, you know that Mom has been acting out of her mind lately? Well she is really and truly out of her mind! She isn't in control of her actions and speech, because of her dementia. Her brain is broken. One of the goals of treatment will be to reduce the number of delusions she has, but delusions can be persistent. And paranoia is extremely common in dementia. Maybe her behavior will become less troublesome as she is treated. I don't know much about dementia, but I am going to do my best to learn so I can understand our mother. Would you like me to share any especially good articles I find?"
You mother isn't "dead" and she isn't willfully mean. She has a very tragic and devastating disease that has or will impact every area of her life. She desperately needs loving support.
Your sister needs to get more information about the symptoms of the disease. Your mom isn't trying to be mean or purposely combative. It's the disease making her do these things. Your sister is taking your mother's actions personally, as though they were purposely directed at her. They aren't.
Your mother would not be allowed to change a legal document in this confused state. However the POA was signed BEFORE she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia would be what would stand up in court. That means your sister would still be the legal POA.
Your mother will believe differently, however no judge would accept her changing anything with Alzheimer's. She is no longer responsible.
What should your sister do?
Tell your sister that mom is not in her right mind. Tell her to read as much as she can about Alzheimer's. Tell her to not take any words or actions from your mom personally. Think of her as a child.
What should you do?
Humor your mother. Don't argue with her. She IS NOT going to change her mind about what she believes. Make sure someone checks in on her if your sister continues to refuse to see her (and you can't due to living far away).
Good luck.
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Since your Mom has dementia, the Power of Attorneys need to remain as is as from what you had written, I doubt Mom's mind is clear enough to have a new Power of Attorney drawn up with someone else being named as her POA.
You need to tell your sister that Mom's brain is broken [dementia] and that Mom can get very confused and will lash out for no reason at all. It's best for the whole family to just ignore what Mom says.
Have the family learn as much as dementia as they can. Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section.... click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE.... now read as many articles as you can. It won't make life easier but at least everyone will now be on the same page understanding this terrible disease.