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momstress Asked October 2017

Mom is taking the caregiver's side against her children and buying what they want. What do we do?

Me, my brother & mother all agreed to hire a so-called "friend" to help mom recover from the hospital, go to doctor appointments, help physically get around and meals. She has extended her hours, brought in her daughter to help also. Mom is so doped up on pain meds (most of the time), they spend hours shopping and mom pays for whatever they want. They treat her house as if it's their house. We have financial & medical POA but mom is aware enough to pay them and angry if we threaten to handle her business. They are now helping her pay bills and have isolated her from friends and most of the family. It seems we have to make an appointment almost to visit and then she sleeps while we're there. Not sure if we have the power to get rid of these people? Mom will be very angry and will not forgive us because she's sees nothing wrong with the situation. We don't know where to go with this?

WhirledTravel Oct 2017
It doesn't matter if your mom gets angry. She's not thinking clearly, so you need to step in to protect her. Also, if this "friend" is licensed with any agency, I would report her. If not, simply get rid of her. And change the locks on your mom's house.

Lastly, you could report the so-called caregiver to Adult Protective Services. Isolating a vulnerable elderly person from their friends and family is a red flag, and APS might step in to help you.

jjariz Oct 2017
Check with an elder care attorney. My Aunt went down this route and ultimately gave her house to the caregiver before giving away over $250,000 to him also. He was "just a good friend from church."

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momstress Oct 2017
Mom doesn't see that she's incapable & gets very angry at us. The caregiver knows we are aware of the spending but it doesn't seem to matter. I need to check the POA papers for more information.

Countrymouse Oct 2017
If your mother is temporarily or permanently unable to make decisions (on account of being medically off her face, to use the technical term), and you have financial and medical power of attorney, then you not only have the power to dismiss people who are abusing their position of trust, you have a responsibility to do so.

Have you and your brother tried speaking directly to the culprit caregiver? What was her response?

Also, crucially, what are the terms of your POA? Is it designed to "spring" in the event of your mother's incapacity?

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