I'm trying to understand mom's passing and all the things that happened. Any advice?

A lot of times our parents make us dependent on them for emotional support. It's important to find support in many places, not just mom. How about looking for a grief support group from the hospital where she went, the hospice they used, or even the county mental health office? It's a skill that an in person therapist with group therapy teaches best, not one online.

Losing you mother is devastating and it takes time to accept it. I have found that what helped me get through those rough patches is asking myself if my mother would approve of me being so stuck in a negative place or if she would want me to go on and live life to the fullest. I know my mother would say get back to the business of living and get happy. My mother was resilient, determined and taught me to be the same. She would not want me to get stuck because of her.
It doesn’t mean we loved them less - to me it’s a tribute to her parenting skills as well as how my mother made the best at having nothing - my dad died when she was 42 in the 1960’s& she passed at 89, she raised 3 kids alone when being a single mother was not popular but never did she ask anyone for help. 
Thus I live my life knowing she made me the strong, spunky, resilient person I am today.
Took me about a year to feel this way.
I am sorry for your loss. But remember she is in your heart & you are her blood. Go forward and honor her by living your life.

There are some really rough days as we go through grieving. And then, gradually, we think more of the happy memories and how lucky we were to have the loved one in our life, and less of the pain of their loss. At least that is how it is working for me.

This doesn't happen overnight. Grieving takes time. Do you have a close friend or relative you can call on the especially rough days? Someone who won't try to solve the situation, but just listen?

Hugs to you bloomschool. grieving is so hard. It is something you have to go through. My suggestion is that if you have something soft that belonged to her . curl up privately have a good cry and let it all out.