((My 86-year-old in-laws, MIL & DIL who still live independent by themselves, but require some help, their 2 acres bordering our 24 acres which is 30 min from town...))
My husband is bearing all the weight of his parents’ needs that keep adding up. He has had Stage 4 Kidney Cancer & Metastases’ the last 5+ years. Originally he was given 3-5 years after his kidney was taken out right away. With a growth nearly a year ago, he’s also has had 2/3 of his right lung removed and continues to have breathing problems! Although he doesn’t look sick!!! His parents also have a daughter that lives in S.Dakota, one other daughter that is deceased, and the youngest daughter who lives in our state Oregon, but about 4 hours away on the coast. She avoids hearing about their aging needs and doesn’t even want to discuss the difficulties that are coming up, saying that it makes her feel guilty for not living closer. I am to the point of telling her to get her big girl panties on and get involved, for crying out loud!! My husband is emotionally wearing down and no one sees that!!!
Their mom is getting frail doesn’t drive anymore, and has many multiple health issues. Their dad is having problems with his heart again. He’s had 2 heart attacks in the past, also having had it restarted a couple of times (1 recently) but they want to put in a pace maker soon. He is still driving but shouldn’t be!!! Yes my husband and I have talked about what would probably happen if we turned him in. (we’d be driving them to all their appt’s, and church activities) I just retired early by 1-1/2 yrs to spend more time with my husband who’s 65, before he does get worse (he’s terminal). I’m feeling defensive and yes angry, not with the folks but with my sister-in-law.
What would you do??? Sincerely, Chris
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If his folks have money hire outside help or get them to assisted living. No money, apply for Medicaid.
I take care of similar parents. They should have moved off their farmette 10 years ago. Fortunately I'm pretty healthy but I really resent having to spend my retirement as a caregiver. I can't imagine doing this if I were sick. If I go down my folks would end up wards of the state.
Spending time with him would be your priority, understandably.
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It looks to me, given the geographic arrangements, that the original understanding was that you and your husband would take of your in-laws' needs so that they could remain in their own home adjacent to your property. Clearly that arrangement is becoming unworkable, but what are the alternatives? Can your in-laws move to a facility when their care needs become too great? Why is that not on the table at least? What about getting them some paid help to take the burden off your husband and you? Is that an option? Are you expecting your sister-in-law to uproot her life and move in with her parents long-term to help out? That would be a blessing for you and your husband, and perhaps his parents, but what about her? It doesn't sound like that's an arrangement that she agreed to, or is willing to agree to.
This situation appear to be heading towards a crisis point, that will occur when your husband dies or become too ill to assist his parents any longer. At that point, either the siblings will step in to provide alternate care for their parents, or you will have to make the hard decision to continue or discontinue providing their care alone. It wouldn't be fair for you to be stuck holding the ball this way, but neither is it fair, in my opinion, to expect your sister-in-law to magically make the problem go away. JMHO.
Time to move to a situation where they dont need you.. who is going to care for them when your husband dies. which is seems is sooner than them.
Organise for someone to take them to appointments and once a week shopping, NOT you. if they demand to stay where they are.
Five years ago it would have been so ideal you next door to help with some chores, that pretty pink picture of caring for the older generation and things rosey.. but the black n white facts are there. and you are not being selfish wanting time with your husband in his last few years.
And get the old man off the road. How will you feel when he has a medical event and kills a young family, sadly he will survive and have more medical problems and expenses and a guilt to carry.
Tell the siblings what is going to happen, and Im sure they wont jump forward to change it.
Its so similar to what happened to my sister 30min away from my parents, tho they were in town. who landed up spending 2 x days week trying to help but it all turned to custard .
I feel for you in this position, when by rights you should be having 100% focus on your own needs and wants at this time. I hope you get it
It may help if you investigate local services providers ahead of time. What transportation options are there? Handi-Dart, Taxi, church volunteers? Speak with their minister and ask the church for help. Can the Church provide rides on Sunday?
If your father-in-law has a crash (it would not be an accident, he is an accident waiting to kill someone) and someone other than him is harmed, your guilt will be much greater than telling him he cannot drive.
Do either of the seniors have veterans benefits they can access for help around the home and yard? Do any of the local grocery stores or pharmacies deliver? I know you said you are 30 minutes out of town, but in my community that is nothing for delivery services.
What do you think would be reasonable for your sisters-in-law to do to help? One is across the country, the other across the state. Who has POA for your in-laws? Is this something one of the sisters can manage?
Would it be better for the in-laws to move closer to town? What about you, when your husband dies, will you want to move closer to town or somewhere else all together?
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