It's been 3 months since my Grandmother passed away. I had been with her when it happens. It's been months, but every time I look into her room I expect to see her there. Laying in bed, sleeping or watching T.V. I will randomly wake up in the middle of the night, see I don't have the baby monitor next to me and run in to check on her. I'm still living in the house, only alone this time. (Although I get kicked out next month). I started a new job, getting ready to go back to school, but I always have that though. "I can't go. My family needs me." I'm scared to go to sleep sometimes, because I'm worried that this is all a dream and when I wake up she'll be laying in there, sick and dying. After she's left pretty much all of my friends and family hates me or straight out disowned me. I'm literally alone. It feels like I gave up everything to take care of her these past few years, and now that she's gone what little I had is gone. I still think about that day though. Holding her hand, and then going into kiss her forhead only to realize she stopped breathing. Her ashes now sit next to my Grandfathers in the dining room. I got into the habit of sleeping in the living room, because it's closer and I could hear my Grandma better than in my room. However, I still sleep on the couch. I can't even fall asleep in my bed anymore. I feel lost. I lost what little family I had left, and I'm about to loose everything. I have nightmares all the time that she needs me, I can't be there to help her. I this normal? I've taken care of multiple family members in my life, but this is the first I've felt like this over a death. Although it reminds me of 2 years ago. I had been hit by a car, and the entire time I was in the hospital I just kept thinking that I have to get home. I'm needed at home. I can't be here. It feels similar to how I turned out after the accident. The nightmares, fear, even something like strong winds make me remember it. It stopped for a while, but after my Grandma died it came back. I don't know why. I don't want to feel like this though. I just want things to go back to normal.
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At your age you should be doing what you're about to do. Be on your own, going to school, working to support just yourself - and figuring out who you are and what you want to do with your life. Being a serial caregiver is not a responsibility or position anyone at your age should have to do.
However, I have to think that having done what you've done for so long has earn you a wisdom and compassion that many individuals never achieve.
I also have to believe that this has made you a person very worth having in ones life. Give yourself a little time at your new job and at school and I'm sure you will find new people to share your life with - and probably even a better type of person than the previous friends and relative who have gone - while you were lovingly and selflessly caring for others. Seriously, who needs people like that anyway?
It will get better with time - I promise you. But it's not going to happen overnight. Baby steps. Take time everyday to honor your grandmother and your grief - and then make a conscious effort to push those thoughts aside and focus on you. Stay busy and also remember to take time each day to honor you and your future - even though you don't quite know what that looks like right now. Before you know it, that future will begin to take shape.