JoyinAZ Asked October 2017

My mother-in-law is asking my adult children for money. How can they say no to grandma?

I need help! I just found out that my mother-in-law, who lives with my husband's brother, is manipulating my children into giving her money. She and I have a strained relationship, so I try to let my husband deal with her, but I'm very upset about this. My husband has tried to find out from her if she is having financial issues, but she says she is not. My children are adults, so they can do what they want with their money, but I feel it is a horrible thing for her to do. How can they say no to grandma? She doesn't support herself and gets a SS check monthly. It is well known in the family that she likes to spend money. She doesn't have a job either. She could work because she is still healthy (in her 60's). I am just so upset about this. She is telling my oldest daughter that she needs the money because her son (my husband's brother) is draining her financially in some way. We don't see any evidence of it. Advice?

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Have husband call grandma. Tell "we're so shocked to hear that there is financial abuse going on from Brother. Would you like us to talk to him, or shall we call APS and the police?"

Helpful Answer (23)

Tell your children that they should tell your MIL fine, but only if their father agrees. They should then immediately tell your husband amount requested and the reason for it.

That way, they don't have to say no to grandma but they mustn't hand over any money, either. In fact, no one should put in any money until you've found out exactly what's going on. I mean, what if she's funding drug abuse or something ghastly like that?

Helpful Answer (17)

I agree, tell your children to say to grandma....only after I call APS and the police to report uncle for this abuse.

I bet grandma backs off in a real hurry...and it stops ..

Helpful Answer (9)

I’m assuming you and your husband have been married for a while since you have adult children. I believe that gives you the right to tell your mother-in-law to knock it off. And tell your kids they aren’t to give grandma any more money no matter what she says, period. Are you cordial with BIL? Have a frank talk with him as well and tell him what MIL is saying. It’s not exactly blowing the whistle on him, it will let him know you’re aware. If it continues, then get APS involved.

Helpful Answer (7)

"NO" is a complete sentence - shame on grandma!!!

Helpful Answer (6)

Since your MIL is a known spendthrift then "evil" BIL could have done nothing worse than set up a budget and restrict her money, I think calling in APS without at least speaking to them both first is a nuclear option.

Helpful Answer (6)

I have a friend whose brother accused her of messing with their father's $$. (She is the POA, so legally she has access to the father's accts). He actually reported her. My friend was cleared of any charges which were brought up to the Dept. of Aging in our state. However, the relationship between this sister, brother and other family members are severed forever. Get the facts first. There may be more information that needs to be uncovered.

Helpful Answer (6)

I wouldn't "tell" the kids what to do -- they are adults. But I would explain my concerns and "advise" them (if they want advice after they've heard your concerns).

If anyone contacts APS, it should someone who was told directly that she was being financially exploited. That would be one of the kids. Otherwise it is a "he said that she said" second hand report.

Helpful Answer (5)

I suggest that the people who are being asked for money respond with a simple, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. (Not, "no" or "I won't." but a simple "I can't.) No explanation. End of discussion.

Helpful Answer (5)

You can find out if your brother is law is taking her SS check before she even sees it and using it for himself, leaving her with nothing. Or if she pays no bills at the house, she could be blowing through her check in a week or two and finding that she needs somebody to float her until her next check. How much is she getting per month? But I still would get APS involved.

Helpful Answer (3)

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My mother-in-law is asking my adult children for money. How can they say no to grandma?

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