Wasting away. Is this what is happening?

I brought my out to house yesterday and she ate with my husband and me. She ate and enjoyed it but it was only about half. I did ask her about the loneliness. She said she like her home and when you get old you don't expect much. My mom is still there inside somewhere, it was a really enjoyable Sunday afternoon. My daughter is going Wed. To check out new facility that I found, and give me her opinion. Grandma never was "social".

You say that your mom can't hear, has dementia and is very lonely. Is she able at this point to talk about her wishes? Is she able to go with you to visit a place she could move to, like AL or MC? If so, I might take her there for lunch and to see what kinds of things the other residents are doing, like art classes, music, stretching, etc. She could see how the residents gather for meals in the dining room.   It might provide he with something to look forward to. If she's not able to do that, then, I might examine the finances and see what really makes sense.

Is the weight loss from depression?  I know that with Vascular Dementia, my LO lost about 100 pounds.  (She was overweight to begin with.)  She just had no interest in food at all.  She actually would forget there was food in the fridge, because she couldn't see it.  It had to be placed right in front of her for her to realize it was available.  Still, she had no real appetite.  Medication for anxiety/depression really helped and her appetite picked right up.  

Do her caregivers do anything to engage or stimulate your mom?

My moms main caregiver was so good at getting my mom out and about - sometimes it was just going to a restaurant for pie and coffee.

In the last two years I do believe my mother forgot that this was a paid caregiver. Every time I heard my mom talk about her or introduce her to anyone, she always referred to her as “my friend”. 

Even after my mother was moved into a nursing home we paid the caregiver to come once a week. Sometimes they still went out to lunch - although my mom wasn’t eating much by then. Sometimes they stayed in my moms room and they just hung out there - together, with the caregiver giving my mom a manicure. 

Do your mothers caregivers do anything along these lines to lessen her isolation and loneliness?

Good morning all. Thanks for your replays. I can start a bit from beginning. Both parents start problems 2014. Dad blind, took away driving ,vascular dementia, wanted mom to drive him around. Mom can't hear anything, very timid, and not comfortable driving(I remember the last day she drove, she came home late and in dark, I really think she got lost or hollered at). Then mom fell and broke hip in house. 10 feet from dad but he couldn't see her and she said she was alright. My sister came to house to check on them and found her. After that 24/7 care in home. Things progressed, bad caregivers, awesome caregivers, family dynamics, let alone figuring how to do this. 2015 another broken hip, but my strong little mom healed. 2016 broke femur checking on dad, healed again. Dad finally pooped out from being miserable, and combined a fib, dementia, and glaucoma. Mom never realized he was dying, I had to tell her either to get ready for funeral or I was leaving without her. Now up to date. Still 24/7 care in home. Mom alone in house all day with caregiver. No stimulation at all. But "her home". I drive 21miles in and then back home 3 times a week if not more for house issues. She's alone. Outlived everyone, no family visits(different moan). All I see is her wasting away. Plus on top of that I will have to figure out future financial situation, and the house is actually going to start costing us with needed maintenance. She is uti's prone, but other than that not one problem. She could go another 10 years. Boy, oh, boy. I'm depressed and trying to figure out what is best for her.

With dementia your mother shouldn't be living alone. I would think that a community at the assisted living level, or memory care, would be a better fit than independent living.

Before a complete change of residence, have you considered an adult day health program for her? That might help with the loneliness and allow her to gradually get back into interacting with other people. They also provide a hot meal midday, and snacks.

Ihave1now- your post is so sad and it is clear it is heartbreaking for you.

A couple of things come to mind.

How does you mom feel about staying in her home verses the option of moving to a retirement community? Can she afford to live in an Independent Living or Assited Living facility?

You said you’ve made efforts to keep her in her home - can you elaborate a little? I ask partially because the possibility of a paid “companion” comes to mind. This could be someone who helps her out around the house but who is also open to taking your mother on outings.

If in a retirement community setting is your mother someone who is social and likely to join in activities and make new friends? Although - the probability of this being successful in this could lay in her current mental and emotional capacity.

When my mother moved with my father to IL - I thought she’d love all the options for activities but she chose to socialize only with her existing friends on the outside. This was fine while she was still able to drive and get around without any sort of assistance beyond a cane. But once the car was gone, her mind was slipping and she needed a walker - she became more isolated. I still thought - especially then - that she would fine an interest in the many activities offered and find some new friends. Never happened. Mom relied on her paid part time caregiver for getting her out to the few outside interests she retained - and for company. Mom also became increasingly demanding on me for socializing. This all really took me by surprise as my mother was one of the most social people I had ever know - and always had multiple activities and interests all going at the same time.

As far as the eating goes - you could be right on either count. Most seniors really seem to loose their need and/or desire for a lot of food. Even in the beginning at IL, I noticed my parents ate like birds.

However - in the end, dementia robbed my mother of her ability to eat. At first it was not being able to manage utensils and later it was actually not being able to chew and swallow. It was frickin’ tragic seeing her waste away because she couldn’t remember how to eat.

Can you get your mother into a geriatric specialist for a cognitive assessment? It might help in pointing you in the most appropriate way to proceed.

It’s a tough, tough, rotten, heartbreaking path ahead of you. I’m sorry. Learn as much as you can about dementia and just do the best you can - for your mom and for you. None of this is easy - but there still can be treasured moments that will provide you comfort as you traverse this challenge - and after it is over. 

I think you have hit the nail on the head she does not see any purpose in taking care of herself now she has lost your Dad. Ther is just no reason to eat. It happens to people of all ages when they live alone, they just snack and don't cook proper meals.
Another reason may be that you Mom is also begining her final journey. How long ago did she have the hip surgery, that alone can take over a year to recover from in the elderly.
Your suggestion of moving her to a community setting I think is a good one, if she is willing to go. It is going to happen one day soon if she continues this way.
Has this been discussed with her Dr. Other reasons for not eating need to be ruled out and her depression dealt with.
In a community setting there would be other people to mingle with and activities and outings to enjoy plus of course visits from family and friends. Meals and snacks would be provided at regular intervals and if she does not eat it will be noticed.
Give lots of thought to what would be best for Mom and pick out a good facility, then see if she would maybe visit with you and perhaps have a meal with the other residents.