My Mom and I were having lunch yesterday and I told her that I had recently joined this forum. When I explained what it was about and the question and answer bit of it she wanted me to pose this question: are any adult children who are providing care for a parent receiving pay by the parent for doing so and, if so, how much? That floored me! For the last four years I have been doing pretty much everything for my mom except feeding her. She cannot stand or walk unaided, cannot bathe or wash and set her hair, shop, cook, etc. (Y’all get the idea here.). She will be 90 soon and lives with my 68 year old brother who is mentally handicapped. So, I’m caring for him quite a bit also. Regardless, this really surprised me because the thought of receiving money for doing these things had not once entered my mind. However, I know she’ll be asking me if I’ve received any answers. There are four of us kids and I am the only one who provides care. If anyone here is being paid and has siblings, has it caused any problems with them for you? Although my mom is not a millionaire, she is financially comfortable. The fact is, so are her children. None of us are swimming in cash by any means but, we are all retired, receiving pensions and living within our means. We are very blessed in that regard. I have no intention of taking money from my mom but, like I mentioned above, she’ll be asking if I received any answers. So, thanks in advance, to those who reply!
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While I wouldn't have changed my caregiving role for anything, it negatively impacted my life in some pretty important ways over that 17 years. So don't be too quick to reject the idea of getting paid. As your mom ages, her needs will only increase. And if you're doing all of the work and making all of the sacrifices, it makes sense for you to get some kind of compensation for it.
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Others are correct in that there needs to be a legal care contract with scrupulous recordkeeping to comply with Medicaid and the 5-year lookback period.
I have drawn my line in the sand very clearly regarding my mother and what I will do for her. I would be willing to do more for pay (and I will demand $20/hour), but I know she will never pay me. I was screamed at and told I was "not right in the head" the last time I mentioned what a private caregiver would have cost for what I did for free when she was nearly helpless for just over a week.
(I have put my brothers on notice that I will NOT subject myself to that again, and that they can come down and take care of her or they can hire her private caregivers if it happens again.)
I don't like the Dummy Daughter Driver position I've been forced into, because I am the only local child. She refuses to listen to reason, and her reasoning is definitely going. So I maintain my distance as much as possible. I know she is starved for socialization, but that is not my problem, since she insists on living alone.
So... In principle, there is NOTHING wrong with accepting money from your mother to compensate you for, for example, your loss of earnings, your time off work, restrictions on things like paying into a pension or seeking promotion. And I am most impressed that she has given thought to a subject that many families, not just elders, overlook.
As long as she is clear about what she wants to do, and as long as she works out a figure that relates to something real (it could be going rates for housekeepers/caregivers/drivers/home helps, or it could be some proportion of your previous hourly rate in your real job, or a combination of the two, for example), then there is no reason for either of you to feel awkward about doing this and nothing at all for your siblings to object to. And if they DO object, perhaps they'd like to think how much these services would cost in the open market?
Be transparent, and be practical, and let us know how you get on.
Especially when there are siblings, I believe that the only way that inheritance, if any, can be "fair" is for the ones who do the caring to get paid for it while they are doing it.
Best of luck with your situation.
I works for us.
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