Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and my sister & I have decided not to cook but take our mom out. When suggesting the idea she flatly refused. What do we do?

Thanks all for suggestions & concerns.
Just the idea of change for all I thought would be good. She wants to go home but that will never happen cannot be alone.
She is 85, eats very good, enjoys company but doesn't want to be with us. So this is another one of her ways of showing it.. bending to her every need is so selfish. The killer is we have 5 other brothers & sisters that live out of state and won't come to give us a break nor an invite to a thanksgiving dinner. Hope she changes her mind,but not that too shall pass. Thanks for your listening ears.

My mothers first year in the NH my brother insisted that she go out with his wife and him to a high-end restaurant on Christmas Day for dinner.

Mom didn’t really want to go but he was her Golden Child so she said okay to make him happy.

I had tried to warn him against it as I knew my mom was loosing her ability to use eating utensils - plus she was double incontinent and had lost the ability to know when to ask to be taken to the bathroom or to know that she had gone in her Depends - that a change would be a good idea.

But - my brother always thought he was smarter than all us regular folk - still does - and said it would be fine - that he could handle it. What did I know anyhow? Up to that point I had been looking after her for five years and up until a couple of months prior to this holiday his participation consisted of two hour long visits a month.

Anyhoo- mom ate mainly with her fingers - even the mashed potatoes. She also had wet through her Depends so completely that urine was dripping down the legs of the chair. This wasn’t discovered until brother was helping her up to leave and found that she was drenched from the waist down.

Of course brother called me afterwards- completely mortified and horrified. Such a nice phone call to cap off my first Christmas sans mom in longer than I could remember. Misery loves company and I guess he felt the need to degrade my - up until that call - peaceful and calm day.

BUT- what really made it worse for me was not that brothers holiday had been ruined. Not that my holiday had been stripped of peace. It was that I knew - that my mom prior to her dementia- would have been completely and totally humiliated by what had happened. What had happened to her - is the way I look at it. Since I told my brother how this was gonna play out - had he listened to me it could have been avoided.

I guess in this case - my mother not really understanding the extent of what had happened was a blessing. But still - I wish her dignity had been spared. Mom would have been happy to have gone to his house for dinner - or even eating a catered dinner in her room with some family around her.

Listen to your mom if she’s saying she doesn’t want to go out. If you think it’s a ploy - get a sitter and go out with your sister and enjoy. If her reason is sincere - bring in a catered meal. It need not be fancy or expensive. Restaurants like Shari’s do the full meal deal at a very reasonable cost.

Jpl473, there does come a point in life when one no longer enjoys eating out. One Thanksgiving my Dad's caregiver took Dad out to eat. Dad said the food was good, but the restaurant noise was too much for him, he couldn't wait to leave, plus the long line waiting to get in was hard on his back.

I know what Dad means about the noise levels in restaurants. That is one reason I don't eat out. Olive Garden has carry-out which we have been using for the past 5 years, it work great, and we get to have our own private quiet table at home :)

Something to think about.

Your mom going wandering if someone goes out sounds like a big problem, especially if it's making you feel like prisoners. Leaving aside Thanksgiving....I was just reading about GPS tracking devices being used for seniors with dementia. It might be worth looking into for the sake of your long term sanity.

Edit:  if she wasn't prone to wandering, I would honestly say let her stay home if she doesn't want to go out, and go enjoy yourselves.  If you can afford a caregiver, even this once, I would suggest hiring one....just to get the break.

I think having it catered I a good idea. At her age and dementia she may not enjoy it. Where I live Cracker Barrel and Bob Evans do full meals.

My dad had AD and became stressed in busy restaurants. Too much commotion. Even my FIL has restaurants he prefers - small, quieter, good lighting so he can see the menu better.

You know your mother, is this her laying a manipulative guilt trip on you all or is it just an expression of her desire to not go out? My grandmother had a friend whose family adamantly insisted she attend family gatherings when she really, truly would have preferred not to go, it had all just gotten too much. Maybe it would be fine to do exactly what she has suggested, and then all return to her place for coffee and dessert. Or if it is just a small group you could see if a local restaurant will put together a take out feast for all of you.

I would honor your mom's wishes as best you can. She may not be up to getting dressed and going out, depending on her age and condition. Have you seen her eat? I wonder if she has any issue eating and doesn't want to do that in public?

You don't say how old mom is...I know as my mom hit her 90s, she was perfectly happy in her apartment and would tell me that frequently. I'd want to take her out to see some different scenery and be around others, but it wasn't as important to her as it was to me. Mom was more of a loner. If your mother is that way, I'd try to figure out how to let her stay at home.

She may be embarrassed to go out, that someone will see her health issues. Have you considered ordering the meal from a grocery, deli or restaurant like Piccadilly, instead of cooking. Does she go out at all.

She might change her mind by that day, but, I might just hire a caretaker to come and say for several hours, while you and sister go out for lunch. That way you can relax and not worry. If you really want mom to be there, since it's the holiday, just take back desert and share that with coffee when you all get back to her house. That should be enough for her to feel included, especially, if she isn't aware what day it is.

Wow. Does she remember what day it is? You could tell her she's going to ( wherever she loves going to) then just arrive at the reastaurant . If she has no short term memory that might work.