What is a normal spouse reaction to a person with dementia?

Mom suffers from depressions but that is nothing new. My parents got along well while I was growing up but she was always prone to pushing him around and he's always been a quiet gut who just took it. I do think things went downhill after I moved out. My dad always took care of the hard parts of life and I get the feeling that now that he is no longer capable of that, she no longer needs him or wants him around. He just deserves so much better!

I am an only child and we have no other family in the state. My parents are loners who never really had any friends or attended anything like a church or club. Sadly, they really painted themselves into a corner. They've lived in this town for 40 years and don't really know anyone.

My parents situation has really been a lesson to me in the value of staying connected with community and family. I believe a big part of the problem is them having become hermits into their own home years ago (while still in their 60s)...eventually getting cabin fever and turning inward in a negative way. If they would have made some friends, gotten involved in one thing or another, or stayed connected with family, they may have had a better route.

My husband and I have been married for 43 years. His mobility has declined so much for the past 14,since a stroke, that he is now bedridden. I do everything for him but feed him.

During his working years, he and his family owned their own business. When he was home, all he did was sleep. No yearly vacations. We didn’ t socialize. I raised our kids 90% alone. He is not an affectionate person and always treated me like I should be very grateful to him for supporting me. I never wanted for much, except a husband and a partnership.

I have to say I feel pretty much like your mom. I love my husband, but I am sacrificing my own life and health for him. I have fibromyalgia and turning and pulling him around to change him and his bed (he’s 350#) causes me so much pain it keeps me up at night. He lays in bed all day and makes grunting, groaning and blowing noises. I swear it’s like being in a delivery room.

Don’t judge someone until you’ve lived their life, really. Sometimes we’ve just had it. Respectfully ask Mom if she’d like you to go to the doctor with her so she can talk to him/her. Mom may need a professional listening ear and maybe a short course of anti anxiety meds.

People deal with tragedy in different ways. Maybe, mom is just coping and this is her way to prepare herself. I don't know, but, I'd try to focus on good memories. Dementia is so cruel. It robs us of so much.

Is your mom normal is other ways? Maybe, she's just tired or depressed. I might have her checked by her doctor.

Do you have other support in visiting and caring for dad?

:(

That's a hard thing for you to hear. Whatever might be behind it. Hugs.

Maybe too much damage was done in the very earliest stages of the dementia. But I'm only guessing. Was their marriage happy for the most part, would you say? I know it's hard to know what really goes on, though, especially for a child.

If you examine their life together you might find that their marriage continued simply because their lives were easier together than apart and there was never as much love as you imagined.