My mother wants to stay overnight Christmas Eve and return to the nursing home after dinner on Christmas, HELP!

Why ever do you feel guilt for taking care of your health?

You can feel bad about this; sad, disappointed, but but guilt, which implies you are doing something bad.

Please understand that taking care of yourself post surgery is important so that you can continue to advocate for your mom. She's in a SNF because she needs 24/7 care that you are no longer capable of giving. Period.

Is she now living in the nursing home for good, or is she in there for a rehab situation? If she's in there for good, then taking her out will likely result in her not wanting to go back when it's time. I'd tell her you'll bring Christmas to her and do that. Don't disrupt her schedule and settling in if she's newly moved to the nursing home. But tell us more for some better responses to your situation.

Depending on how sensitive she is, I might just say that my doctor had ordered me to do this or that and that I was on restriction of my duties. But, explain that that's ok, because all the fun can be brought to her. And then plan a nice visit with gifts, food and music. I'd thank her in advance for understanding.

So it sounds like mom will be staying at the nursing home permanently then? I wasn't clear from your answer. If that's the case, then you're setting the precedent now for how you handle this in the future You're already paying the price for bringing her over for Thanksgiving. Now she'll expect that for every holiday going forward.

You have the perfect excuse for mom right now - you're recovering from surgery and it's just not possible to bring her home for Christmas - doctor's orders. That's all you need to say. You don't need to go into detail or make excuses for why it won't work. Just go visit her for a short time and spend the holiday the way you want to. I'm sure you've done a lot for your mom and you don't have to meet her every request. You're still recovering from surgery. Give yourself a break.

If your Mom is on Medicare/Medicaid, she can go out during the day but she has to be in the facility overnight, one of their continued qualifying rules. Even if she is not, you could use the same reasoning to get out of an overnight stay.

My father always stayed over night Christmas eve. This year his mobility has declined drastically. There is no way he would get up the stairs to a bedroom and I am not having him sleep on the couch. If he wet the couch I would have to get rid of it and I cannot afford to replace my furniture. It took 4 of us to get him tot he car on Thanksgiving. He was not happy when I told him I would be there Christmas morning to get him. I told him it was because he could not get up the stairs. The added issue is that he doesn't listen and insists he can do things he can't so I know he would get up in the middle of the night and fall or even worse fall down the stairs. Or bang on my door at 2am for something. I would like to have a peaceful holiday too. I am tired of sacrificing my peace so he can get what he wants.

Dear obnurse62,

My grandmother also wanted to go home for Christmas and then go back to the nursing home. My aunts and uncles thought it would be too much to take on. I know we all want to do what our parents want and especially during the holidays. I would firmly but compassionately let her know its not feasible but that you and the family would gladly bring Christmas to her. Like Blannie said I think its better not to disrupt her routine.

I agree with Countrymouse. Also, it is best to say the doctor advised her to go back at at certain time due to your physical limitations to avoid fall risk for her.

Obnurse, It’s your call. If you feel that it would be too much to have your mother sleep overnight, then don’t do it. She could come to your house for dinner, but then you drive her back to the nursing home to sleep in her own bed, and where she is surrounded by professionals who can assist her. You have to take good care of yourself. Don’t overextend yourself if you feel something would be too much for you.

HI OBnurse,
I was an OB nurse for 14 years. Loved it, babies are so sweet! 👶🏼

Got a question for you... what would you tell your patient to do in your circumstances? Let's say a new mommy with a C-Section? Would it be a good idea for her to have her invalid grandmother over night?
There's your answer. Like someone said, tell her the doctor said you can't take on that much.

Don't compromise your health like I did. (2 weeks after female surgery lifting my mom dead weight in and out of w/c, onto toilet, etc.-I hurt myself but thank God didn't screw up the surgery.) You know better so nurse heed thy own advise and loose the guilt.