So tired of my dad's emotional abuse, I really want to leave. Can anyone relate?

I just went to a therapist last week who works at a psychology clinic with various specialists. I was mostly looking for counseling about how to manage an 'unmanageable' person, as well as the stress that it causes me. She seemed more interested in treating me but I am not fond of antidepressants because they can have such awful side effects, not that I couldn't use something! She didn't sound like anyone there could help me deal with my father, even though I saw that they had a social worker on staff. I see her again this week and will see if they can help or if it is just another dead end. My brother suggested asking TurningPoint if they might have any idea of who might be able to advise me but I don't know. In some ways, caregiving can have a lot in common with domestic abuse if you think about it. I am not clear about my obligations because shortly after my mother passed away a couple of years ago we consulted with an Elder Care attorney, he drew up Durable and Healthcare POA paperwork. We were hoping to protect the house in case my father ever did need to go into a facility and depleted all of the funds. I am a bit fuzzy about my obligations as far as how long I am required to live with him- 'maybe' a couple of years. And at the time, we were all a bit frazzled after my mother's passing and she had always handled the bill paying and financial aspects. Whatever we agreed to made sense at the time.

My father also bad mouths me and likes to make himself out to be the victim. He has unrealistic expectations. And he figures that if he ever did go into a facility that it would be as nice as when he was in rehabilitation after being in the hospital for heart issues earlier this year. And I don't see him making it in AL with his rude, obnoxious behavior in public. When he was in rehab, he said that another patient's (a nice woman) door was open. My Dad said that he had knocked on her door, and when she didn't answer, he just walked in. She was not happy but he insists that he did nothing wrong. He also found part of a cigarette in a pocket and lit it in the bathroom and of course I received a phone call about it. I think that they were almost ready to kick him out and I would worry about that if he were in AL, assuming they would take him in the first place.

And of course we have no idea about how long he will live. He was diagnosed with a 4 cm aortic aneurysm this year which they said was not all that large. My mother passed from a leaking aneurysm several years after it was first diagnosed. I just hate to think about spending $90,000.00-$100,000.00 per year for a nursing home and then going on Medicaid which sounds like a nightmare. Otherwise, I would have zero guilt about putting him in a NH.

if he's violent, call the police, again and again if you have to. Tell them it's not a domestic case, but that your father is elderly and seems altered. I know I tell everyone a variant on this, but it gets you know and into the system. And no one should have to live with physical violence.

Constantine---
Probably time to consider alternative living arrangements for dad. No one should have to put up with abuse, and you shouldn't be expected to do so, just b/c you've chosen to caregive for your dad. He needs to be somewhere else, so he can be cared for, watched and not by you.

It will only get worse, I am sorry to say. He will get more "out of it" more abusive as he ages and harder to live with.

Have a sit down with the brothers. Lay it out for them. Have them help you, if they will, find a suitable place for him. If he gets angry (and he will) ignore him. Tell him he does not get to run your life and be firm about it. Somewhere in his mind, he may actually get this---you hope.

Caregiving to the point you are stressed and exhausted makes for lousy caregiving. I'm not saying you're lousy, I'm saying you're in over your head.

My mother was abusive to me, off and on all my life. I still do some caregiving for her, but I wish she'd agree to move to an ALF, rather than continue to live with my brother. He is exhausted and angry all the time with her. I DO NOT take her abuse any more, nor her manipulation. It's very hard to step away/back and stop. But it can be done.

Good luck. You're not in this alone.

Yes, many parts of your situation are the same as the one with me and my 89-year old father. I live with him, was already living there when my mother passed away two years ago because I have health problems of my own. I retired from my job last summer after putting in 30 years and thought that it would be easier on me after that but I was wrong. I really hate being stuck with him for most of the day because he always was a very volatile, angry, immature person. He has a history of alcoholism that he is in denial about, and while he was being better about the drinking for the last four years after a fall and concussion caused by it, he has had a renewed interest in consuming alcohol for the past couple of months. Which would only add insult to injury.

He can drive himself short distances, his driving was tested by an occupational therapist earlier this year but not by the DMV. He has expected to ride along with me anytime I went out but I have now been insisting on going out by myself because I always regret it when he comes with me. He comes up with dumb, inappropriate ideas- like painting our Ben Franklin fireplace- and things like that. And if you don't agree with him, he becomes verbally abusive in the car. He also ridicules me for being a cautious driver and feels that if rules don't make any sense to him then nobody should follow them. He really is worse than a child and to some extent always has been. He insists on putting meat and poultry out on our deck for raccoons even though I and the neighbors disagree with it. And then we also end up getting cats because of it so he just purchased a pellet gun (for $12.00- meant for kids I assume) to see if he can get the cats with it...he thinks that it would be 'fun'. He was also interested in setting traps to catch and release animals 'just for fun.'

And of course he will not listen to reason. If you don't agree with his ridiculous ideas, or want to try and establish some ground rules about his verbal abuse, his rude and inappropriate behavior in public, or insist on having no alcohol in the house, he almost immediately says that he doesn't want to talk about it. If you continue, he starts yelling 'Shut up' repeatedly. If I don't back off at that point, he will come at me physically. That is what happened recently when he brought some wine home.

My sister lives halfway across the country, and my brother lives about an hour away, he still works full-time and has no patience for my father's behavior, especially after they recently went out to eat and my father's rude, disruptive behavior almost got them kicked out.

My father was put on Risperidone a couple of weeks ago to try and tame his anger, agitation and restlessness but so far all it has done is help him sleep through the night. I have had no luck with finding any real assistance on how to deal with him. I was told by a woman from our county's Aging and Disability Resource Center that my father is a difficult case, and she also said that these days they try and keep people in their own homes for as long as possible. Which I understand but at the same time I think that we need more help when it comes to how to manage these difficult people. My father refuses to take advantage of any senior activities that are available in our area.

Will your brother still help you find a nursing home for you father?

So, tell us why you don't think dad would be better off with a staff of well rested caregivers who don't take his verbal abuse to heart, and where he'll have other old guys to talk to?

Hugemom had great advice and questions. There are many of us in the same boat.

Your father's 91, yes, but you don't mention if he has other issues. He could live for years--YEARS!--and with you sounding like you're at the end of your rope, it's important for not just your physical and emotional health, but also your family's to act. At some point, you should check with assisted living or a facility best equipped to care for your dad if you can't find help.

You won't be a bad daughter for putting yourself and your family first. That's your first priority. Consider also, if you and your family's health suffers from the stress of his dementia, then your father's health may suffer as a result too. That's not fair to any of you.

Feel free to vent any time you need to. That’s why this site exists. You have some decisions coming up. Are you willing to “wait it out”until your dad passes, knowing that everyone in the house is suffering because of him and his attitude, or will you step up and tell your brothers that you are burned out and need to place Dad somewhere? Ask yourself if this is fair to your family or yourself if you Keep taking care of Dad, or will you be eaten up with guilt if you place him? Do you have non-family caregiving help? Time to take stock of your situation and decide what you want from Life. If it’s not this, then you, yourself need to make changes.