Why is it when I’ve totally decided to put my Dad in AL because of his dementia and his constant need for me to do everything for him he acts like a normal person?

I think it doesn't matter why this behavior is happening. It is toxic for you. Bow out.

My dad hid his dementia very very well. It wasn't until there was an incident that made everything change. He knew something was going on, he simply didn't want to have to leave his house. It wasn't malicious necessarily, he was just really scared. Once he was moved, it required some adjustment, yet everything is much better now.
And for me, I have team around me, instead of just myself.
All the best to you!!

I have a husband who acts exactly like that, and being a caregiver to my father who lives with us, as well,makes it that much harder to deal with. I am thinking of seeking counseling for myself, as I find I need to find some sort of peace to go on!

Or perhaps he really was showing serious signs of dementia and needs AL. No one really wants to go live there willingly. I imagine his better behavior is intended to convince you to keep him home. Don't do it - move him on out, but don't use your family money to pay, use his. If he lacks funds, then he needs to be elsewhere where he cannot abuse you or your children.

I have a father who is 87 with Dementia he lived with us for 9 months and I had to decide between my husband and my father. Well I sided with my husband and put dad in a really nice home in Assisted Living. He has a really nice apartment an the nurses are really great with him. My problem is that he doesn't trust them and he is so worried that they won't give him his drugs right. He calls us at 6 p.m. every night and asks when is he getting his night insulin and he gets it at 7:30 he calls every 15 min. When he goes to the doctor he fights with me and the last time I walked out and went and talked to the head nurse. When I walked in I told him that I don't have to listen to this I'm not a child and I don't live in your house anymore. I told him that I was 60 and I was trying my best to make sure that he was being taken care of. You see I had to retire from my job that I loved to do so that I could handle my dad. I couldn't concentrate with him calling 10x a day. I needed to work 2 more years to reach 62. Now that I have retired I am so busy trying to disperse everything that him and mom had in there home. I do dads wash and pick up behind him. I am there almost every other day. Now dad has fallen 2x yesterday and he calls me last night and asking why haven't I come and see how he was doing? I told him that the head nurse called me and said that they had checked him out and he was ok. The last time he did this he was at home and he was dehydrated they told him that he needs to drink a lot of water and protein drinks. We told him last night to drink water and the protein drinks. I wish dad would just trust them and go do things with them he has been there since Feb of last year. Thank goodness mom took out Long Term Health Ins but you have to have someone to fight for the person due to they turn you down the first time you apply, and then you have to pay the full price for the first 90 days. Lets just say he has me all stressed out and thank goodness my doctor has given me a anxiety pill to take to help me to handle all of this. I also have a half sister that is here and a half brother out of state but I have to contact him so he calls his dad. Which I think really sucks.

He sounds like a narcissist and basically they are very nasty people. Know all the manipulative trickery - about all you can do is refuse to play in their sandbox. Take care of yourself - you can be sure your dad will take care of himself just fine. Some people are too toxic to be around.

It's difficult for both the older person and the caretaker to realize that the older person is truly disabled, and the caretaker doesn't have enough resources to care for their loved one. Even if you keep your father at home, it's likely that he will become agitated and worried at night. I cared for my husband at home while he was on Hospice care. I gave him a whistle to blow when he needed help since he was in the other room at night before I joined him. He kept calling every 15 minutes for help getting to sleep. I loved him very very much and didn't realize that his agitation was a sign of an aging brain--rather than a result of realistic concerns about not being able to get to sleep on time. This night time agitation is called "sundowning" and is quite common among aging and demented persons. I would like you to recognize that your father's complaints do not necessarily mean that he is uncared for--by either you are the AL staff. Your question seems to indicate that you wonder if your father is healthy enough to be cared for at home. The answer is that dementia will progress, and you are not Wonder Woman. We all hope that our loved ones will appreciate our sacrifices and be thankful to accept what we can give them. Eventually we will run out of resources, but this is not our fault! Even if our loved ones are begging for more care, that might just indicate that they are scared/upset/demented. I honor your efforts and sacrifices to care for your father and wish you well.

If your father has been diagnosed with dementia, then, I don't think that he playing you or it's his way of getting back at you. People who have dementia may be rude, negative, unappreciative, demanding and even seemingly manipulative, but, that is irrelevant, because they also have brain damage and need to be protected and cared for.

And, people with dementia may seem better on some days than others. That's quite common, but, they still have the condition and it still means that they are very ill. I think that since the damage is in the brain, we sometimes don't appreciate how real it is, like it would be if it were a mangled leg or broken arm.

I recall back when my LO first started acting odd. She was quite demanding and wanted to lie in bed and have diaper changes. I was dumbfounded, since, there was no reason for this. I couldn't figure it out. It wasn't until her dementia progressed, that it all made since. I wish that I had seen what was really going on, at the time. Even her healthcare workers didn't recognize it. They just though that she was lazy, since she was relatively young at the time.  

Sunnygirl1 has a point. Dementia isn’t a linear progression always. It’s possible that on some level he is relieved that you are taking control and getting him the care he needs. Maybe... My parents were so against assisted living. Now that mom is there she hasn’t had a single complaint. However, due to her dementia she behaves grumpy and cranky and is sometimes obstinate with the caregivers. Dementia is weird. Do what is best for him given his diagnosis and then get some support in a group or therapy to process any lingering guilt and anger.

AL is not just for Dementia/Alz residents. There comes a time when AL no longer have the resources to care for them. AL have residents that still drive. They have transportation for outings, shopping and appts. So even if he is "playing" you it may be a good place for him if he can afford it. It will be nicer for you too.