anonymous713032 Asked January 2018

Impossible sister. Any advice?

No matter what I do it will NEVER be enough to please my Sister. She was furious that I questioned her "right" to reimburse herself with my Mother's money. Ripped into me saying how dare I question her as she does so much for my Mother. I don't disagree that she does a lot for my Mother. My Mother lives down the street from her in an assisted living facility. I live out of state. I do as much as I can to help. It will never be enough. She screams, "JUMP!" and if I don't say, "How High!" the sh!t hits the fan!

We have never gotten along. Estranged for years at a time. She will keep medical information from me about my Mom when we aren't speaking. Purposefully keep me out of the loop in regards to my Mother's health and welfare. My Sister has Medical POA and my Brother has Financial POA. So I am out of the loop.

I don't know how I am going to get through this with my Mom. My Sister is going to make this as difficult as possible.

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Lolo, please don't allow your family to go down the same path that mine did. I can tell you from my own experience that being the care-taker, even if Mom is in a facility, is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I too came unglued when questioned about anything. I can tell you too that I spent far more than I ever reimbursed myself, and time away from my own family and friends seemed meaningless to my siblings. And everyone had 'reasons' for not helping or visiting Dad. Please step back and look at the big picture. Will a few bucks make a difference down the road? Or will calling or texting a 'thank God you're there for her' give sis the strength she needs to keep going?

Helpful Answer (9)

Medicaid will have a problem with gifting if she ever needs it.

Helpful Answer (7)

Medicaid won’t care how she justifies transfers gifting anyone and will impose a transfer penalty. Medicaid looks back up to 5 years and money spent on anyone besides your parent will be treated as gift. So Medicaid won’t pay a dime until the penalty is satisfied based on daily rate at facility. Example if your state is $150 per day and mom gifted $15,000: Medicaid will not pay charges on care for 100 days from the date of application. Family private pays or facility has them discharged to family. Not a pleasant thought. If Medicaid might be in future next five years, sissy should spend some money talking with lawyer familiar with Medicaid. It’s a sobering conversation...

Helpful Answer (7)

I would not talk to Sis about money. Ever. Give your brother information about the Medicaid 5 year lookback. And make sure he knows that sis is using mom' funds for her own benefit.

Keep in touch with mom. If mom is not yet "too far gone" she can sign a HIPAA release allowing you access to her medical info from her regular docs etc.

Helpful Answer (7)

I wish the best for you and your family. I can only offer you my own perspective on how hard it was for me. I visited my dad every day (anywhere from 20 min to a few hours) & took care of everything from ordering meds; cleaning, painting and selling his house; scheduled & took him to dr appts; addressed issues regarding laundry, food and anything else at the MC facility; even helped with some toileting, dressing & feeding. The few times I heard from family, I certainly didn't feel kindness toward them. Right or wrong, the load can take a toll, & all the "would if I could's" aren't helpful. I truly hope that you & sis can work it out. My dad passed last week. I held his hand & spoke comfort to him as he passed & then planned & prepared the funeral with the help of my children & husband. I cherish the time that I had with Dad & have no regrets.

Helpful Answer (6)

If your sister thinks that she can just claim any compensation she likes for the work she does for your mother, and your brother is going along with this, they are both in for a very nasty shock. Unless compensation was agreed with your mother when your mother created their respective powers of attorney, they could both be held to account for financial abuse.

I should look for official guidelines relevant to your state and forward them to your brother. Your sister can have as many hissy fits as she likes about them but rules is rules.

Are you able to visit your mother independently of your sister?

Helpful Answer (6)

On a pragmatic note, I kept receipts and documented well any reimbursements, including mileage. Again, I spent far more than I ever reimbursed myself. And I signed the guest book at the MC at every visit, and I was there so much that everyone there knows me.

Helpful Answer (5)

...or at least call APS and report financial abuse of a vulnerable elder.

Helpful Answer (5)

I noticed that too, Midkid58. So many seem to think POA means final say. NOT if the elder is still competent!

Helpful Answer (4)

I'm sorry for you impossible situation, but the best you can do for your Mom is to try to get along. At least you know that You won't get caught up in the financial mess that she could be creating, should your Mom ever need to go onto Medicaid to pay for Nursing home care, other than that, continue to be involved with your Mom the best that you can, and continue to show your appreciation for the ones who are on the ground, doing the hands on care that is always nessassary in the care of our parents.

I know that you know how hard that truly is, and No, she should be being transparent about Moms funds for her own good, if only to keep herself in check. If things are obviously out of sorts, report her to APS. Sister relationships can be complicated!

Helpful Answer (4)

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Impossible sister. Any advice?

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