I am taking care of my mom and have been doing so for about 8 years. She lives in her own home which is about 50 miles from me. She is really not capable of living independently as I am constantly attending to the crisis du jour. I am past burn out. Sparing you the details, my mother has put me through the ringer. In the past, I suggested that she move closer to me and even offered to add on to my home. She refused which I understood when she was younger but I knew she would eventually need more assistance and wanted to be proactive. Over the past 8 years I have tried many times to plan and reason with her about her care. Working full time and having my own home and family to care for in addition to traveling to help her is proving very difficult. Now, at 92 she has more and more needs. She has some mild dementia and a demanding personality that would be disastrous to my marriage if she moved into our home. My husband has said no way to her living with us. When she comes to visit it is very difficult. She is contrary and stubborn and has incontinence problems that she refuses to acknowledge. I have set some boundaries with her but the one that I absolutely hold firm is that she cannot live in my home without separate living quarters. Just a small space with a bathroom and sitting area so my husband and I can have some privacy and respect for our own routines. Mom has refused that and just wants to move in with no boundaries. She feels like it is a rejection if we suggest separation. Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point. Mom has money saved for her care however I would not want her to spend money on renovations to our home only to need assisted living in a short time. I love my mom dearly. I am more than willing to take care of her but I think at this point, assisted living in a place that is very close to me would be best. I am drawing a line when it comes to living in my house with no boundaries. Does that sound reasonable?
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Assisted Living (if affordable for you) is a MUCH better option.
The comparison that since your parents took care of you, you somehow "owe" them, is one that drives me NUTS.
I was raised by my parents. Then I raised my own kids. I think THAT was "payback". Never even asked them to even babysit.
My beloved grandmother did SO MUCH for me. I once asked her how I could ever repay her for all this love and service. She said "Look forward, do the same for your own kids." She NEVER expected or demanded that her kids care for her.
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"Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point." That's right, no area of your home should be used to house her.
DO NOT let her into your home. I did that with my 95 yo mom, (Alz.6) and it was sheer hell. My relationship with her was nonexistent and my relationship with my husband was strained...to say the least. If I didn't get her out of our home, we would have all killed each other!!!! You will pay dearly with your physical and mental health if you let her in. Not to mention disregarding your husband's wishes. What if the tables were reversed?
Get her into an Assisted Living or, if needed, memory care facility. If she doesn't have the resources to live there, apply for Medicaid. Contact Social Services for information.
NO GUILT! You will still be caring for her, as you said, but you know in your mind, heart and gut that taking her home would be the end of your life as you know it.
Don't let her pull that cr+p on you about no food. Every time you go, take a few groceries, so when she says that she has nothing to eat, you can say, "Mom, you can make soup and a sandwich, I brought you the bread, meat and soup the last time I visited." She is a controlling one, isn't she?
She'll probably, in the long run, be happier with people her own age. It just takes some getting used to.
otherwise reasonable and loving. Narcissistic type parents evolve into black holes of need when they're older, despite often having been terrible parents and/or neglectful of their own parents.
Even with your mother in assisted living, there will still be plenty to do, as you still have to help with medical supplies, clothing, mail, bills, etc etc, My Dad is in skilled nursing and calls daily with a new need or crisis. Cell phones, remote controls go missing, still has falls, incontinence, ruined clothes/shoes, problems w/caregivers or staff. etc etc.
Try taking care of that at home, hurting your back with transferring from bed to car to toilet, and back again. Transferring a frail senior, dealing w/incontinence, poor eating
and memory loss is hard enough. Take away good emotional boundaries and it's hell.
Good luck!!!!
I don't think there is any point in trying to convince her of a sensible plan for her care. She wants to be "the queen" in your household, and that is not going to happen, so just let her be and keep your boundaries.
She wouldn't starve if you backed off some, visited less often and limited phone calls, would she? You have a heavy load, and need to look after your family and yourself and not get too drained.
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