When your parent is pulling away do you find you're taking on their condition? Feelings? Abandonment, unloved, sad?

Teaching, you may feel that your mother's welfare is squarely your brother's problem. He lives with her - effectively as her financial dependant, yes? - and you'd have thought he'd notice if she needs help.

But. The "you can lead a horse to water" thing. Your understandable anger and frustration that she lied to you before, and now won't discuss or admit anything.

If your mother *is* undergoing some kind of marked cognitive decline, the two of you are expecting someone to behave rationally when that person is, ipso facto, becoming unable to behave rationally. Your expectations of her are not reasonable.

She may not have a brain function problem! She may just feel stressed about your brother and redundant now that she's retired, and be depressed. I've no idea. But as things are, neither have the two of you. I do urge you either to report your concerns about your mother to her doctor, or to get your brother to take a closer look at what's going on under his nose and at least take advice on it.

I found out yesterday my iron is somewhat low in all the blood work so they expect that is part but worry is the other culprit. The nurse knows. I don’t have baldness just it’s thinned. :-( Then yes I’m angry at me but I’m angry at her. That sounds bad because she trained me later, a lady doesn’t show anger. 1) for lying to me about diabetes years back 2) not wanting to discuss / admit anything and 3) I’ve seen and she’s allowed my brother who has 3 degrees just munch off her and she’s allows that way with him. She enables him and he runs with it. If I didn’t take his side in something I didnt feel was right 3 yrs ago, he yelled at me and that was it. He didn't get his way. Too you dont yell at a women. Now my mom when she was much younger would bring up flaws he was doing but in last 6 yrs, he can’t do no wrong. Yes a student not a teacher. He’s lazy to say the least. High IQ yes, but not social and into himself. He could easily cook himself but times she calls, we had this or she’ll tell him where she put the dinner. I’m glad I live 6 miles away just yes, it’s dysheartning cause I can’t bring anything up as well.
She retired 4 yrs ago this may after being at the college for 39 yrs. I felt o was going to a funeral. I remember, as she said work was a escape for never thinking of things.. she would tell me that when I was in banking. I thought yes I’ve got to concentrate but it’s not going to change other things going on in life.

Due to hepa, which she will not sign a paper at her dr’s... all he could tell me 3 yrs back, I was pretty much on target, she refused the tests saying she was fine. Then he said U can lead a horse to water but can’t make her drink it. I got what he was trying to say.

Teaching 123,

My sister and I both noticed years ago, long before Mom's dementia diagnosis, that she'd become more and more insular; that is to say she cared less and less about those around her and could only see things as they related to herself. She was totally uninterested in what was going on in others' lives unless it impacted her directly. It was disturbing. It was hard to for us as her family to "add" to conversations in a meaningful way. Mom has always been self-absorbed, but starting around age 70, it was as if her thoughts couldn't encompass a world outside her own. She wasn't interested in our new jobs, achievements, vacations, hobbies, even those of the grandchildren. It was if she was shrinking her world, deliberately, day by day. Emotionally she was flat, with the exceptions of anger or sadness. At the time I thought she was depressed. Now in the aftermath of a dementia diagnosis, I'm thinking it also may have been the beginnings of her intellectual decline.

I'm not suggesting your Mom has dementia. But how long has it been since she's had a complete physical? You could take her in and pass a note to the receptionist (addressed to the physician) describing your Mom's conduct. A good doctor (hopefully one who specializes in geriatrics) will look into this, a diagnosis can be made, and treatment started. Best of luck to you!

So how long ago was that, that she retired?

Do you mean that your brother is a perpetual student, or that he teaches?

So your mother has undergone a marked personality change in recent years. She has lost interest in things she used to keep up, she perhaps ignores important health issues that really want investigating, she loses her train of thought when she is on the telephone to you. You know that she has diabetes, and you know that she has lost an important source of mental and social engagement. Then of course there are all the things that you (and she) might not know...

This all wants a good looking-at. Do you get on well enough with your brother to convince him of that?

1 important thing.. she finally retired from the college here at age 80. I felt I was going to a funeral cause I felt her work took her away from real life and she didn’t want to face it. Once she retired, she always emailed me cards prior daily.. she stopped that. I still but have quit.. sending her good morning Snoopy cards.. never a reply. That’s not her. She treats me as a person but as her daughter anymore. Too she thought she was hiding her diabetes at work which I didn’t know she had then... everyone up at her work couldn’t understand why she couldn’t tell them she had diabetes!

No, my brother lives with her and he does some things IF he feels like it but makes a career in college classes. She does remember dates on certain things but like a few movies, no. Yes it’s like I always here from her “ Dont think about it... on most things I try to bring up! She knows her mom / brother yrs back, died from als/ dem but now she claims no ... I’m thinking how can u think that!

There is a thing called "flat affect". It is a classic sign of clinical depression. The person seems to have no reaction to emotional stimuli, whether happy, sad, interesting, shocking or whatever.

Your mother also seems to be having trouble sustaining attention.

Is she living alone?