What happens if the hospital can’t calm a combative dementia patient down?

Erica, she will be well taken care of. The docs will figure out what she needs. My mom became like this. She had been in a memory care facility for almost two years when her behavior became impossible. Hitting, screaming, biting, kicking. Mom was on hospice at that time. Hospice recommended a much smaller facility, a care home. Every resident. There had been kicked out of their previous facilities. Can you imagine?!

Mom did well there until she passed four months later. Yes she was medicated. But you need to remember that the impossible behaviors are even worse for your mom.

When Mom went into an assisted nursing home/memory care facility, my husband and I had already witnessed and experienced months of her stress, fear and delusions since she lived with us for more than 5 years. We had a way to calm her down, offering understanding and patience and letting her know that everything would be okay. It was not easy but doable most of the time.

After the first month in the facility, the nursing staff was not able to calm her down - talk her down - and they would call me as they did not know what to do when she stood by the elevator door letting them know I was downstairs waiting for her to take her home. (I was not there, and she was in a secured floor at that time.)

They suggested I talk to her immediately by phone to see if I could help, as they had no clue. And although by the time I was called, Mom had already been in that anxious state for an hour or 2, we all found out that by reconnecting to me or my husband - voices which she knew cared and loved her - she accepted the new reality that she was now in a nursing home. She would then calm down and ask me, "Then, should I go back to my room?' and, although it broke my heart, I would say, 'Yes, mom. That is right. Return to your room and I can call you there to say hello.'

l learned early on that Mom continued to need our voice when she 'lost it.' Seemingly, we calmed her fears most of the time as she trusted us.

After this first event at the facility, the nurses gladly called me immediately so that Mom did not have to suffer hours of anxiety. They then knew what worked for her, and I gave them permission not to wait so long to call me or my husband when it happened next time. Little by little, mom adjusted to her new reality. Now she just asks me, 'when can I come home?' without the emotional outbursts. (Thought it still breaks my heart to answer her.)

I realized then that between the nursing staff, CNAs, social worker and us, we made up Mom's support team. And, we all welcomed each other's help without having to give her calming meds....as I knew she did not want them.

This way of resolving that issue may not work for all, and certainly it takes time and patience. But if you have that, and have an open nursing staff who will work with you for the best of the resident, then you are lucky and so is your loved one.

Hopefully she is starting to turn around. Sometimes not much can be done. I have a friend whose wife was like this. The only option in that case was the state psychiatric hospital. She received excellent care there and it was a very nice, well reputed facility.

She did great there for 2.5 years and passed.

Urinary tract infections are just famous for making people crazy. Paranoia most of all. As the antibiotics kick in and the tranquilizers, she'll calm down and later not remember and refuse to believe it if you try to tell her what she was doing. In dementia there's a combative stage that's awful for the caregivers. Hopefully she's not there full-time yet. For the doctors and nurses, she's not their first combative patient. They will know what to do. You might also ask for some calming medication for yourself. Now is the time to relax a bit while Mom is getting great care and full-time attention (believe it or not!).

GladImhere, thank you. I feel like I’m alone. I’d hate to see her in a psychiatric hospital but if that’s the last resort at least then I know there is one.

(((((hugs))))) erica. This is a hard time for you and your mum. Hope they get her settled down. Please try to let the guilt go. We hate to see our LO in such a bad condition. You are only wanting peace for her.

If they got the ativan into her and it's helping, they will be able to get more meds in with time, don't you think?

GladImhere, thank you. I know it’s scary for her. It’s scary for me too because I feel helpless & it’s so hard to see her like this. My mom has always been strong willed but this is beyond anything I’ve seen. I’m trusting our medical system but they have failed me in the past. I also don’t think social workers do everything they are suppose to do. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything and it’s taking its toll on me, and my marriage.

I liked that you acknowledge that you are trying your best. That is all required of you. After that, have some kindness towards yourself. Sometimes, there are situations which have no easy solution. Some of our parents have created their own karmic situations and no one can take away what they need to go through. Hard to realize, but never the less true.

So, acknowledge that you are doing all that is possible, and return to your own life and peace within.....and that, takes real effort for many of us as it is where our own growth hides.

Erica, I don’t have any wise words for you. But just wishing you the best. Take some breaths,take a walk, tell hubby things are bad enough without him making you feel worse. Guess I did have some wise words......