I take care of my 88 yo mom, my 90 yo dad and my wonderful angel-dog Gabby without too much effort. We all get along. Little bumps along the way, but never much trouble even when I was a teen if you can imagine that! I mentioned in another post that my mom had been exhibiting symptoms of depression (not bathing, not changing clothes, excessive sleep, spontaneous crying, etc.) We started her on an antidepressant and it made a world of difference in her emotional state. I’m so grateful for that. I’ve lived with depression myself I know how great it is when it lifts. But I guess I got impatient watching her feel better and my dad being relieved at her feeling better, while I continued doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, home repairs, etc. Then I had a problem of my own, one of my diabetes meds was denied by my new prescription plan (how much do I hate OptumRX!!!). Upset about this, I came downstairs to find my mom crying because she didn’t want to take a shower (after not taking one for 6 and having promised she would after I heated up the bathroom for her). Well I completely lost it. I yelled at my mom for the first time in my life (I’m 55)! So she went off crying, my dad shook his head saying “I never thought it would come to this” (seriously?) and I just felt awful. FWIW what I said was “I’m dealing with serious health crisis and you’re crying because you don’t want to take a f*#*ing shower?!" Not my finest moment! It’s OK now; she went to sleep, woke up and had no memory of it. But I’m not an angry person and I don’t know where this came from. I’d love some input.
17 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Glad to hear things are better. That is the best attitude to have! Yes, it has to be onward. Your parents are so lucky to have you care for them.
Dear Mally,
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your mom. I would lose it too. Glad she is okay though.
ADVERTISEMENT
You're not alone!
I hope you were able to get the med issues resolved.
You surprised yourself. You have anger. It's ok. Sometimes it just pops out. You didn't do anything bad. You expressed your frustration in an angry way because you felt that your problem was not being recognized and her "problem" was petty in comparison.
Forgive yourself and let it go.
Keep your chin up and come here and rant as much as you need to. :) Hugs
We've made up since then, but the frustrations of dealing with elderly parents brings out the worst in us sometimes. They also create an alternate reality where it's okay for them to do things like not bathe, make unreasonable demands, treat us like dirt, etc., but when we finally snap back it's like "gotcha." I call it "gotcha" because in a way they become narcissistic, and prod us with their own improper behavior until we exhibit improper behavior, and then they play the "gotcha" card. It's all our fault because we snapped and went off on them.
So, you're not the first and you won't be the last.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear what happened, but please know you are only human and there is a lot on your shoulders for a very long time. You have been taking care of your parents your whole life and there was bound to be a moment of frustration and impatience. Please know it happens to all of us.
This happened with me too. I've been taking care of my parents since my teens too. I've also been the responsible one for the house. I took care of my mother during her cancer treatments. Then I ran errands with my grandmother because my aunt was going through cancer. Then my siblings left and I continued to care for my parents. Then my father had a stroke. I kept powering on but then one day I lost it with my father over his refusal to get a haircut! A simple haircut!
I failed to realize how burnout I had become. I was so angry and resentful about my efforts and never did my father even say thank you to me. It all become and expectation. Where was the compassion for me? I had given unconditionally my whole life. Granted, he suffered a stroke and now in hindsight, he was dying and he was going through his own frustrations.
I don't know if you want to consider other options like more home care, a nursing home, assisted living or more respite care for yourself. With diabetes comes a lot stress too.
I'm glad the whole situation has blown over, but please know you are not alone. We are all doing the best we can. I know its hard being the only daughter and the one that has been caring her whole life.
Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.