My husband thinks I'm choosing my parents over him. What do I do?

In 1985 my parents moved my mom's 81-year old mom into their home, thinking they were doing the right thing. It overwhelmed their marriage and my dad became very resentful and my parents began arguing a lot. Grandma passed in 2000 but my parents to this day still argue over who-did-what, or didn't, 30 years ago. Honestly I can say it was a turning point that their marriage never recovered from. Spouse comes first.

Hire help with parents funds. If they are with out funds call Area on Aging for an assesment of their needs. Spend more time with your husband. Make it a priority. Recognize that as time goes by their needs will increase. Utilize the resources available to them.

Priorities in order: 1. Minor children; 2. spouse; 3. elderly parents. Of course emergency problems change this priority, but if "emergencies" are happening daily, the are not emergencies.

Tell your parents that you can't do as much because you need to save your marriage. Hiring help is a good idea, but if you're going to have to manage that process, that indicates that they are ready for the next step: either independent living apartment or assisted living.

At some point our parents' need for care becomes greater than their need to be happy with our decisions about their care for we must also care for ourselves and our own immediate family, i.e. marriage.

 Sounds like they need hired help at home or need assisted living. Surely they don't want you to lose your marriage in caring for them.

Financially blackmailing your husband is a good way to encourage him to move out and move on. Don't do that!

What helped me was remembering that my mom put her husband/marriage 1st over her mother’s needs. She set the boundaries & helped where she could. That said, I didn’t always remember. I was the one who tried to do everything for her.

When it was apparent she could no longer live on her own, at my very understanding and very compassionate husband’s insistence we moved Mom in with us. BIG mistake. The Waltons we were not. It was overwhelming and we had help! After 2 months, we moved Mom to an ALF and we all settled into the new normal.

That was 3 years ago — 3 years of Mom declining and needing more & more assistance. She passed away 3 months ago and we have no regrets. We realized and accepted our limitations, working with what we could & couldn’t do.

This helped us with figuring out how to help my aging & sickly in-laws. It is especially helpful now, as FIL passed away 6 weeks ago and he did everything for my MIL.

Try as we might, we can’t do it all or be everything to everyone. I want to grow old with my husband like our parents did with each other.

When I was away for seven months, caring for my parents, my husband and I talked nearly every day. When I finally arrived home, he had left me. We're divorced now. We had been married 15 years.
It's a true testament of a marriage when both of you commit to caring for your elderly parents. I'm still caring for my parents, and I'm engaged to a wonderful man who helps with caring for them now.
I know I'm happier not having to be torn between my parents and a husband that demands all of my time. My fiance' and I make a great team when it comes to caring for my parents.
Care for your parents and be sure to set time aside to spend with your husband on a regular basis.

Spread2thin, take it from me, I went though he’ll and back , but everyone on this site has nailed it. Husband first, kids second, family 3 rd! Almost the whole aging thing is never planned out. We plan for retirement, we plan for vacations, we plan for wedding, but not for when we age out. We put the burden , yes I said burden on our children. It’s not far, and wrong! Feel no guilt, that your parents didn’t plan properly . Take control of the. Helm ! Start making arrangements , that satisfy your needs and their’s , you don’t ask anymore, say this is what we’re doing. And if family doesn’t want to help then do it your way! Problem solved! And when family bickers, say you take control and me and my family will step back! Yuki

Figure out the cost of placing both parents in an assisted living facility. Then share the number with your husband. See if the reality changes his tune. Or compile a daily record of how you spend your time. Then ask your husband to figure out how he would reallocate your time. Sometimes men are worse than small children-IMO.

After years of Mom living with us due to her weakness, falling and memory emergencies, my marriage was at risk. I have a great husband, but I realized there was a limit to what I could ask of him. I had to make the difficult decision of placing her in a nursing/memory community. One of the hardest decisions of my life. She has now been there almost 10 months.

Still, her needs of connecting with me continue and she calls 15 to 20 times each day. I have learned by now to resist answering every call....although there is a continual tinge of having to pick up the phone.

Because my Mom always taught me that Spouse comes first - both verbally and by example - I now remind her that I need to have sometime with hubby each day. In her alert states, she understands this....then she forgets immediately.

What an illness this dementia is! Hard for the patient, but very difficult for the loved ones.

Save your marriage.
That is your most important mission here, although it is a challenging one at that!

All the best!