Estranged sister back after father’s passing. Any advice?

SingSong - I was stuck by your last sentence. Why do you think your sister's reappearance could result in separating you from your mother? Is your sister now living with your mother? Is she barring you from access to your Mom?

I shuddered reading your story because I have a sister like that too. One who expects bygones to be bygones and to be greeted with open arms (and wallets) whenever she shows up with another sob story about why she needs help this time. My first thought is that maybe your sister sees an opening here to get in line for your parents' resources, such as they are. I hope you have POA and health care proxy for your mother. If not, this is the time to get it.

I have the same sister! Borrowed from my parents, never paid it back, lied to them for years. When my father died she went to my mother’s house, took the checkbooks, and told my mother that she would use Mums money to build a second story on her house and Mum could live with her. When Mum said “no” my sister stormed away and wouldn’t let the granddaughter see her ever again. Your sister has come back to get what she canout of your mother. Mother’s never see it and are too vulnerable to.

I'm very sorry for your and your family's loss.

It's one thing to condemn a sibling you mistrust and dislike. It's another to do that to your child. Are you really surprised that your mother wants this reconciliation and chooses to hope for better things in the future? Though in fact never mind surprised - you're actually offended to the extent that, even fleetingly, you're prepared to walk away from your mother forever.

So, what... If your mother loves your sister then she can't love you? If it's not realistic to hope your sister might be healed, then it's wrong of her mother even to wish for it?

Your sister sounds a wreck. She also sounds like she'll be off again before long, particularly if your mother hasn't much to offer her. If money becomes an issue then try to deal with it dispassionately, pointing out that on the one hand your mother isn't Lady Muck and can't afford to support a grown woman with 6x alimony (?); and on the other that your sister is waaaaaay beyond sticking plaster remedies and can't benefit from the little your mother can do for her. But other than that I should just wait it out, if I were you. You have enough grief to be going on with.

No my mother wants nothing of POA she has heard a lot of stories where greedy children can take over. I think she wants to avoid it as long as possible. Yes if history repeats itself my sister will borrow pay a bit back borrow even more and so on. My mother feels sorry for her where as the rest of us have always been finically responsible. Glad to know I’m not the only one with a sister like this. Thanks, I need to elaborate a bit more on my last sentence.

You might think about filing a complaint against your sister for "financial exploitation" with Adult Protective Services. If you can find ANY evidence of "borrowing" without any payback, that should meet the definition (using mother's money for sister's own benefit), and if it's current, APS ought to be able to at least put a crimp in it, if not stop it entirely -- although I don't know what the penalty for that would be, but it should be worth a look, at least.

To make a long story short, the psychological aspects must come into play when the "good daughter vs the bad daughter" dynamics comes into play. I say this because in all matters where parents allow themselves to be abused in any way be it financial abuse of physical abuse, there is always the issue of guilt and an unheard voice within them telling them...her behavior is all my fault; I should have done "more" for her; I should have been there more for her; I should not have let that happen to her and so on. While you may not have watched closely as a child or teenager the sister's (or brother's) actions growing up in the same household, SOMETHING happened to cause one or both parents to believe they failed their son or daughter in some horrible manner and now they must PAYBACK in allowing ANY KIND OF ABUSE as a way to ease any guilty feelings. Interestingly enough, the sibling will almost always know what they are doing and feel they deserve to mistreat their parent(s) as a form of emotional payback on their part. BE CAREFUL WITH THESE ONES as they also underlie the makings of a serial killer in time. Forgive and forget is not the best policy here. FORGIVE and stay far away as possible is the best practice. After all....they always need a fall on guy, once death of a parent enters the picture. Try not to let it be you as the cycle of this form of abuse only ends at death of the abuser and they TEND TO HAVE A MENTEE take their place in the dynamics!

I assume your mom still has her mind and capable of free choice which means there is nothing you can do about it; if she refuses to get a POA, there is nothing you can do about it. She can only appoint one if she has her mind; otherwise, only a court order will appoint one for her if she loses her capacity of sound mind.  If it's something you can't change, you have to accept it. But you may want to talk to your mother about the "look back law" of Medicaid (five years) so if she starts giving her assets away this will be seen as gifting to Medicaid. If you don't know what a five year look back law means I suggest you do some research on this. If you ever have to deal with Medicaid you will realize just how dirty and calculating the Federal government is. 

I have a similar situation. My sister is a rageaholic & has been emotionally and financially abusive of my parents. I've tried to step up for them but Dad always tells me to leave it alone. On my Mom a birthday, in Sept, I organized a small gathering at my folks. I ordered food and paid for everything. My sister, went to the bank with my father earlier and WITHDREW $2000 from his account. Long story short I told him" This is NOT MY PROBLEM! You've allowed her to do what she wants with your money. Leave me out of it. !" I can't take care of my Mom and all her needs w/advanced dimension and take on more. It's about taking care of myself too.

I share the opinion of the other posters. This all has to do with money.
Also...you MUST get POAs for all issues on your mother. There will come a time when it may be too late. I just ran into this with my parents...all was fine until my father was hospitalized with a broken back. I found that none of their paperwork was up to date, and in fact had expired. I was lucky he was still of sound mind and could sign a new will, POAs etc. It is 4 week later and he is going to LTC, we know he won’t walk again and will not come home.
When something happens, it happens fast..you must find a way to get thru to your mother. My father understood when I told him that if he did not have an active POA, he would become a ward of the state and we would not be able to help him as he wishes.
I wish you hugs and good luck with this. It wont get easier from here.

I totally agree with it's a guilt thing with the mother...I have seen this first hand except the sibling never left and my mother took care of him until he was 54 and he finally moved out...sorry but this is something you need to deal with because the mother will never stop loving her child and will give her chance after chance after chance...I stopped talking to my sib and I don't talk about him to her...it's like she's forgotten the hell she went through the last 28 yrs and he's now the golden child...groan...and my mom to this day doesn't think he'd lie cheat or steal...a leopord won't/can't change it's spots...