How do I handle mom's negative comments against my husband and I?

So sad.. I came to realize that I couldn’t make my mum happy after my father’s passing. Dad tried to make her happy at any expense. Just because you are 75 doesn’t mean you can be so demeaning.

I would say, "Mother, you are hurting our feelings. Why would you say something like that?"

Put her on the spot when she verbally berates you. Make her uncomfortable when she talks that way. Then she'll be embarrassed that she's been mean. She'll have no answer to your question and she may mend her ways. 

If you just "keep taking it" and there are no repercussions, there's no reason she would change.

My daughter says that there will be mental decline because the brain ages like the body. At this point, ignore her and leave the room. Ask her if she would like to move to a nice AL since it seems she is not happy with you. If she says no then tell her she then has to respect you and be happy that she has a family who likes having her around. Otherwise, she may have to go to an AL or if no money a NH. You and wife will no longer put up the abuse. You can try.

So when you say her vocabulary has become very limited, you're saying her mental acuity has declined. That loss of cognition probably explains her complaining. I agree with the other comments - she's not going to change and probably can't. I would believe she's got some kind of brain impairment and her brain is broken. Just change the topic when she starts to complain or as others have suggested, consider other living arrangements. Sometimes as a caregiver, no good deed goes unpunished. You're trying to do the right thing by your mom and you're getting nothing but complaints in return. At least we understand what you're going through. {{Hugs}}

At 95 she won't change and you worry about offending her! This will get worse as she ages - i would start looking for the next living situation for when she needs more care. My mom does not have dementia but is a "man-hater" - when she starts in on my wonderful husband - i say "that is unacceptable, i will speak with you later, bye" and i either hang up (phone) or leave (her house). If she is capable of learning - eventually she will get it.

At 95, she is not going to change. Maybe she should go to assisted living?

How was your and your husband's relationship with your mother before she came to live with you? It's a question of whether her negativity is new or not.

On the question of how you might then improve things, to be blunt not offending *her* isn't really the issue, is it? She's perfectly content to offend both of you!

But what you do need to get to the bottom of is whether she is capable of mending her ways, and at 95 and - next question - possibly suffering a decline in brain function she may well not be capable. In which case, it becomes a problem of how you and your husband learn to deal with having a rude little gremlin sitting in your home.

Please do tell us more, in any case. I'm sorry for how hurtful and stressful this must be.