Alzheimer's and the effect on children. Any advice?

Thinking back to when I was five, I do not think I would have been able to understand dementia either. I think I would have been scared of any outbursts or odd behavior and would have taken personally (thought I was "bad" or unlovable) any negativity directed towards me or while I was around. I think it would have been disturbing to see my parent tolerating someone being "mean" to them.

In short, I think you need to find another place for your father. Other people can replace a lot of the care your parent needs. That's not true of your young child.

If your parent lives with you, it's time to move them out of the house and to a safe place. Your little girl is 5 and needs help, tons of help because of this. The dementia is going to get worse and your daughter is going to get worse because of it. Your daughter comes first and she probably doesn't understand the whole situation. She's 5 and still needs tons of your time and attention.

My daughter is 5. She is not able to differentiate between his outbursts the same way a preteen or teenager can.

Muddie - how old is your daughter? What do you mean when you said you were afraid you would lose her? How is she acting out? It sounds like your daughter is not emotionally stable and needs professional help.

I have 2 preteen daughters. They both understand grandma has Alz and that grandma is extremely annoying because she keeps repeating things hundreds of times. I try to limit their interaction so that my mom doesn't drive my kids nuts. It is not fair to them to have to deal with 'crazy' grandma day in and day out. They need normalcy. They don't act out or have any emotional issues. They just don't want to have to answer grandma's questions for the 500th time. And I don't expect them to either.

So it is surprising to me that your daughter is having school and behavioral problems. It sounds serious. You should at least talk to the school counselor and go from there.

Like others said, your kid's needs come FIRST. If it means less care for your parent, so be it. You can only give so much in a day before you burn yourself out. Get outside help for your parent so you can focus on your daughter.

I am not saying it is impossible to have your father love with you, but your child's needs must come first. You need to find someone to help with your father and he will have to pay for that so you have time to go to the park, sit and do puzzles or build with blocks, snuggle and read.... All of the things a young child needs. As an early childhood instructor, now doing teacher development, I will always stand for the child. You will also have to monitor the behaviors your father is exhibiting in front of your daughter. All filters are gone with dementia. As my 14 year old grandson said, "grandma doesn't remember anyone's names, but she remembers all the curse words!"
I have many cute and some funny stories of the kids encounters. A couple days ago my mom, stage 7 and mostly bed-bound, was agitated. My 7 year old granddaughter came in her room. Mom said, "I want her." My sweet granddaughter climbed in bed with her and snuggled up by her. Mom called right down and went to sleep. The compassion my granddaughter has learned by dealing with my mom will follow her through her life. But again, she is only here 10-20 hours a week. And she has a mommy and daddy to give her and her brother their fill attention. When they are here, I have to split my attention between them and my mom. Just be sure you put your daughter first...and that she gets parts of everyday with your focus only on her.

muddie38, I agree with Grammyteacher above. A young grandchild should only be around a grandparent on a limited basis when there is dementia. There are time when a grandparent can become extremely jealous of a grandchild and could possibly lash out. A young child should only have fond memories of a grandparent, not frightening ones.

You wrote "my elderly alzheimer's parent's behavior", and that is a red flag for the future. Maybe it is time for your parent to move into a skilled facility, to be around people of the parent's own age. If cost is a factor and your parent cannot be self-pay, Medicaid is there to help pay for room, board, and care in a nursing home.

Your child's emotional future should come first.

Your child's needs should come first, she is your priority. That said, my grandchildren, ages 1-14 all spend quite a bit of time with my mom and have throughout this Alzheimer's process.... But only on a limited basis. I don't think I would want them to have to deal with it on a daily basis..... We feel the amount of time they spend with her has been good for them. We educate them to the appropriate level based on their age. They have developed understanding and compassion. I am so touched by their encounters with mom.