My 90 year old Father has dementia and lives with me in my house. Our bedrooms are side by side. He gets mixed up and thinks I just got out of his bed, or that it's time for me to go to bed, or that he can treat me like the old chauvinist he's always been. I'm tired of being verbally gentle in telling him that I'm his daughter. I'm tired of his calling me "Honey", "Sweetie", or whatever term of endearment he wants. SOooooo, I quit being the sweet and patient daughter. I've started telling him he doesn't have to like me and I don't care. I'm here to pay the bills, buy the food, cook and clean and that I don't like any of his terms of endearment. He can call me by my name or by daughter… and I will correct him if he doesn't. I actually am feeling better correcting him instead of tolerating his inappropriate words and behavior. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has personally dealt with this and how?
11 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I don't mind being accused of stealing his car, or checkbook, or that his parents are alive….whatever else he comes up with. I know how to deflect what he's focusing on toward something easy…. like food, or clothes. I keep pictures up of family and let him know the light is always on if they want to visit.
He's actually gotten better with not calling me "Honey" unless I leave for more than 2 hours. When I leave him for even a short time, he will tell whoever that I'm his wife. I have one male friend that will give me a few hours relief now and then. He gets Sooo verbally inappropriate with what he talks about with him. At least he doesn't go down that dirty mouth man thing with me, where talking about women parts is only the beginning.
When I return, in my rare departures, I let him know that I'm his daughter and he lives with me and we like to fish and grow things. We LOVE chocolate, and cake… ha ha.
When I need to correct him about the wife/gf stuff, he gets a bit put out, that's when I go to "I don't care", which I don't say to him. Within 5 minutes he forgets the situation. He's only tried to come to my bed once…. and I corrected it very quickly. Firmness, when it comes to sexually inappropriate words or behavior, has been working well for both of us, or so I believe.
I don't allow him to kiss me for any reason, not even good night…. and he remembers. On occasion I will hug him…. but I don't really like it.
Thanks again for sharing. I will take your words to heart.
ADVERTISEMENT
I never experienced this with my father. The thing that bothered me at times is when he would tell me “Yes, ma’am”, in response to a question. He had other professional caregivers and I guess was used to saying that to them, but it was disturbing to me. I would tell him, “I’m your daughter, you don’t have to ma’am me. Just call me by my name”. I had to do this a lot, but he always complied. I just wanted to maintain the father-daughter relationship and not be confused with his caregivers.
In general it is a good idea to go with the flow, go along to get along, do not argue about or try to reason with delusions. But there are situations where that just doesn't make sense. A very common delusion is that the caregiver spouse is having affairs. How could you go along with that? I was very fortunate that my husband never had that delusion. But he did accuse me of stealing his money, stealing his car, and holding him captive against his will. He told the neighbors and tried to call the sheriff. I was not about to go along with those accusations, but I didn't argue with him, either. "Well dear, I know that I did not deliberately take your money, but I could have made a mistake. Or the bank could have. Would you like to go through our last couple of bank statements and see if you can spot the problem?"
I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings (which are very real) without falsely claiming guilt. And to try to offer a solution. Perfect solution? No -- that word doesn't belong in a discussion about dementia. But usually better than anger, I hope.
Can you think of how to apply this to your dad's disturbing behavior? Maybe something along the lines of "You were quite the ladies' man, weren't you? I am not one of your sweethearts, but you sure had a few over the years. No wonder. You have such an appealing smile! Do you remember who your very first girlfriend was?" Or, "I'm not Betty but I'd sure like to hear about her. Was she blond like me?"
I haven't dealt with your dad's specific delusions, but I think I'd do my best to acknowledge where he's at and move in a neutral direction.
You feel better after you've corrected him. That is worth something. How does he seem to feel? Does he stop using the terms of endearment? For how long? If what you are doing now works well for both of you, I don't suppose there is any need to change it.
Good luck!
I think you are totally justified calmly correcting him (even though he can't really understand), if just for your own sanity while you are caring for him. That's what I would imagine myself doing in your shoes. Hope you get some breaks from this very stressful kind of caregiving. Best wishes to you!
I am glad you have educated yourself about demenia so find it hard to understand what advice you are seeking.
If you feel you can no longer tolerate taking care of your Dad then it is time to make other arrangements for his care.
It is not possible to change the behavior of someone with dementia. No amount of reasoning will alter his behavior. The only solution is to remove you or him from the situation whether you like this advice or not.
Everyone here on the forum has dealt with age related issues. My Dad toward the end of his life thought it was the 1940's. You learn to go with the flow, not do any corrections.
You are willing to give me advice that I already know, and thank you, but have you dealt with this directly, in your home?
Please, please, please learn about Alzheimer's/dementia so that you will get a better understanding on what is going on.
Click on this link for more information https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia