Longsuffering husband and I have been overseeing and helping mom over 25 years with almost no help from brother. How can I get him to help?

You're all right; guess I just think it's unfair, it is, and spooky as I see down the road what can happen. I appreciate the help; thanks guys!

This is NOT a new dynamic, if you've ever lurked on these boards.

Straight answer? You CAN'T make your brother do anything. Period. As far as him not having a relationship with mom or you, well, you can't force it. Don't even try.

I have 4 living sibs. My brother and I do the most for mom. The other 3, despite being no more than 20 minutes away from her, do nothing unless I shoot them a text or email and kind of get "nasty" about it.

Truth is, it is what it is. Some people simply don't value the relationship with their parent(s) and that's the way it is.

Better to accept and move on than worry and wonder why brother doesn't come around. At least he sends money occasionally. More than my brother did.

CM I love love love this, ‘A relationship isn't a relationship if you are only allowed to speak about things that the other person approves of, by the way.’

Thank you all! Got some new ideas.... from the trenches, which is always valuable.

There is still a mentally in this country if there is a daughter parents r her responsibility. My DH doesn't agree but he is one of 3 boys.

Your Mom can not stay in independent living. She needs more care that I am not sure even an AL can give. You need to call Medicaid and find out if she has ever applied, if so, find out why she was turned down. She will need to be evaluated for a Nursing home.

My brother didn't help mom when he lived in the same city and I lived 350 km away (and was driving down there every 2-3 weeks to help around the house). We fought about it and then didn't speak for years, till I moved her up here. He still rarely calls, and has only visited once. I just don't think you can make someone help, son or not.

Home support is a blessing to me.

How can you get your brother to help? I think it would be more realistic to accept that he is not going to change now, after 25 years of neglect. Don't count on him.

Instead find others to help. An Elder Law attorney would be a good starting point (paid for with Mom's money.) It may be true that Mom has a little too much income, but usually an attorney can solve that issue.

It would be useful to have an objective assessment of what your mother needs. Assisted Living? Nursing Home? Something else? Your Area Agency on Aging can help you figure out how to get a needs assessment.

Go over her med list with the pharmacist and see if you can identify the ones most likely to be causing confusion. Then discuss those with her doctor. What is her confusion like? What makes you think it is from her medications?

He knows... I don't think he knows what else to do, she won't do PT, tho she is trying to walk the halls with a helper.

She won't discuss Medicaid; keeps saying they always tell her she makes just a little too much for it. I tried again last week. She's getting there, cmag; thanks for the tip about the social worker at the NH, it will have to be done after the fact, I guess.

Has she been to an Eldercare attorney to set up documents and discuss Medicaid eligibility? It sounds like that would be a good use of her funds.

I also agree with an evaluation of her meds if they are making her confused.

Let your husband and the social worker at whatever nursing home she goes to on the basis of medicaid pending navigate the application for Medicaid since you are not able to do it. Also, it sounds to me like she needs more care than independent living provides.

Maybe her pain meds need re-evaluating since they are making her confused and forgetful. Does her doctor know that?

The talk was about his kids and I don't know what else; I haven't seen him in over 20 years, his choice, so there wasn't much to talk about... we have no relationship, I guess. I would like it if he would offer to help with mom, especially if placement becomes an issue, but what could he do from there? I guess no help from him. Thanks both of you, for the interest; there is no answer.

What did you talk about?

A relationship isn't a relationship if you are only allowed to speak about things that the other person approves of, by the way.

What do you want him to do for your mother? Send more checks? Call on her birthday, for a change?

She is forgetful and confused from her pain meds, and weak - has had a couple of bad falls.... I don't know what he could do; mostly know I can not take her (again), and would not be able to negotiate medicaid if she crashes, which she will have to have, since I can't find any group home, AL, or NH she could afford. I think I'm just scared; she had a bad fall last week - actually was knocked down by an electric door that doesn't work right - and the paramedic called me. She asked if I had POA, and since I don't, and don't want to - mom seldom agrees with me on any of her issues - the medic didn't agree with what I suggested and I said just work it out with mom, who was alert and oriented, and finally decided not to be hauled to the hospital 60 miles away. It was another wake up call though....

What sort of help do you need since your profile says she is in independent living.