Divorcing and turning someone over to the state; any advice?

Other posters on this site have recommended taking a person to the ER and then telling the staff there is no able-bodied person to take care of the patient at home, she fears for his safety and her’s, whatever it takes If his fuse is that short, it shouldn’t be long until she can 911 him there. He needs to go to a hospital with a Social Services department via ambulance, not an Urgent Care. He has a history at the hospital, so he should have a file open. She needs to be firm in her refusal to take him back home. He is unpredictable and she has concerns he could harm himself. She needs to talk to someone official who can help her and will become involved in their situation, such as Adult Protective Services. They have the experience to be able to help her out of this situation and regain her sanity. Good luck and keep us updated.

Hugs to your mom and you.

Can mom record the violent verbal attacks? If he threatens her she can call 911 and have police dispatched, that might get a psych eval.

Ask if her state has a safe release plan law, if they do she can say that their home is no longer an option for him. She is unable to care for him, period. She doesn't need to explain herself, just that she can not care for him and will not be safe at home. I personally was pressured and they tried to shame and guilt me into taking my dad. Nice try but no way, I CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM. I had to repeat myself daily, multiple times for over a week. Tell her to stay strong, don't buy into their manipulations and get this guy into a facility that can deal with him.

Good luck getting this all sorted out and getting mom safe.

Can she not place him in a nursing home or other facility while still married? Some jurisdictions will not allow divorce if one of the parties does not have the cognitive ability to understand the proceedings.

I know of people who have separated in order to place their spouse.

Call your Area Agency on Aging for advice

He's in mid 60s, paralyzed and speech impaired for 8 miserable years. He wants to die because he doesn't want to suffer anymore. That is very understandable. And he probably wants your mom to be free of him, too.

If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to live like that for the next 20 years. What could I legally do to end it all?

Thank you so much Ahmijoy. That is great advice, I will pass it along to her and post an update to any change in the situation. I hope that some relief comes for her soon, it is completely heartbreaking to witness.

Yes, that is a great question, she has taken video! He get's totally insane, so I'm glad that she has thought to do that. Thank you for the helpful information, I will absolutely pass this along to her. I am trying to do some of the legwork in finding out information to give to her (since she is mentally and physically spent. When you bring up being strong and being firm in not taking him back if whichever organization it ends up being is is trying to force him back on her... that is something I worry about a lot when the time comes. Just because I know how fragile she is and I wish that I could change minds with her at that moment when it arrives, in that instance, all emotion has to step aside to do what needs to be done. But when I spoke to her today she said she is 100 percent with her decision and knows that it is not safe to continue caring for him.

Ahnijoy - you only care about the wife and how she feels. What about the paralyzed, speech impaired husband? What about his suffering? His misery? His desire to end his life sentence? He's trapped in a cage of a broken body? He's angry because he is powerless. Any help to keep him alive, to him, means he will continue to suffer for as long as 20 years, maybe longer. Would you like to be trapped in a cage for 20-30 years with no hope of getting out except when you die? I wouldn't. But you want this poor man should continue to suffer in his own hell so that his wife's FEELINGS don't get hurt.

Thank you, LacyRanea, for more or less standing up for me. Polar Bear presents an interesting issue. Unfortunately, interesting as it is, it’s not a feasible solution. If your SF does pass away and there is any hint of assistance, Mom will be their first suspect. While defending your SF, would Polar Bear want your verbally abused and browbeaten mom to continue to suffer if she’s brought up on charges? Although your Mom and SF may agree that he is living in Hell, there is nothing to be done. “Life” isn’t fair and either is death.

Of course I don’t wish your father another 20 or more years in his personal Hell. But when an out-of-control semi-truck is bearing down on some innocent person, do you feel sorry for the truck?

I’m worried about more than your mom’s “feelings”, as I know you are. My husband is not verbally abusive, but is bedridden and I am rapidly coming to the end of my physical and mental rope. After 5 years of 24/7 care, doing everything but feeding him, my body is breaking down. Sure I feel bad for him. He does nothing but lie in bed, pee, poop (with help), watch TV and eat. I wish I had you to watch out for me!

I send hugs and prayers that your mom is able to follow the proper channels and get your SF somewhere where he can be cared for without compromising her health and well-being.

Ahmijoy- You're welcome and again, I do understand Polarbears thought process but it's just not realistic or in the cards for us. CountryMouse, 6 months ago I got engaged (I've always been extremely close with my stepdad, he's been in my life since I was 5 and I actually quit my job when he 1st had his strokes to help take care of him). He was already in a depression prior to that but it just got so bad so fast and nothing has pulled him back. I don't know if it's just a coincidence or not. :-( Anyway, yes..we have TRIED respite care and on a waiting list for help..etc. He gets a social security check and surprisingly that disqualifies them for alot of help. They are not on ahcccs and would have to cancel the ss check to do so but would take the risk of lossing their apt/car to wait to get any assistance from ahcccs in the hopes of getting better help.