Preparing for sibling visit, how do I handle this?

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sunbrooke Asked March 2018

Preparing for sibling visit, how do I handle this?

I've been my dad's main care manager (and frequent caregiver, though I live out of state) since his wife, my stepmother, passed away. I live in the country, his other children from an earlier marriage do not. They have been minimally involved in his life for decades-just occasional phone calls, and a visit every few years, if that. He and his late wife put me in charge of managing all of his affairs with financial and health POAs. To make a long story short, his other adult children don't like that I have this control over his affairs, even though they couldn't even manage it if they wanted to from another country. They have been trying to convince him for months to revoke my POA, even hiring a lawyer and bringing her in although he didn't go along with it. Life has become close to hell as a result of their efforts to convince my father (who was diagnosed with dementia and alzheimer's in January) to do this; one of them convinced him to sign a real estate contract to sell his house so that the money could be used to purchase a house in their country (I then had to cancel it), in their name (under the idea that one of them would care for him for the rest of his life, in the house purchased for them with his funds--leaving him with next to nothing in the bank). The story goes on and on, but the issue right now is that one of them plans to visit soon, and I do not know how to handle this. My dad forgets any of the shenanigans that they don't want to believe anyone in his family would be after him for his money. So he wants them to visit, but the problem is I am concerned they will do more crazy stuff--taking him to the bank when no one is around to get his $ and statements; calling in a lawyer to try to get him to revoke the POAs; shipping things from his house to their country, etc (these are all things they were trying to accomplish on their last visits). They see me as the only thing standing in their way, and they will pretty much stop at nothing.
Seeing as I don't live there, I'd love to hear suggestions on how to avoid drama and have them doing these things again. I can almost guarantee they have alternate motives for their "visit" and that it's not just about a nice week with dad. This is stressing me out and has been for months. It's been one of the absolute worst situations I have been through. Any advice?

Long-distance Caregiving Power of Attorney (POA) Siblings

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score 1 · Answer 1

I might see an attorney and ask about emergency Guardianship. If you aren't with your dad every minute, who knows what kind of thing they could draw up for him to sign. You might be able to win in court to get it set aside, but, that's complicated, expensive and trying to get money back is harder than keeping it in the first place. They sound like bad news to me. I'd be safe and look out for dad's best interest. I don't concern myself with being nice to unscrupulous people.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Thanks for the great advice, everyone! One question is - I could have my attorney send them a letter saying they need to stay in hotels, but since it's my dad's house, can I rightfully do that? Since he is not aware or willing to accept any malintent on their parts he would not like that I am having an attorney telling them to stay elsewhere. Or am I being too nice?
I have two different medical reports where the docs said they recommend guardianship and that he needs help making any financial, health etc. decisions. I am the DPOA on both finance and health. He can be easily swayed by their manipulations - at one point they seemed to convince him that he didn't need ANY POA and that he should revoke mine, however he would literally be completely lost without my help. He does not know how to take care of any of his financial or practical affairs anymore.

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score 2 · Answer 3

You say he was diagnosed in Jan,, that works in your favor with the POA. And yes you need boots on the ground for the entire visit, no time alone with them. I also like the hotel idea, let them know in advance about this, and do not budge. ( Their visit will upset dad's routine) And do not let them talk dad into paying for the hotel and visit.. because you know that is coming! And if you have a hubs or kids who could come along and back you up.. bring them!!

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score 2 · Answer 4

OH my you do need to see a lawyer immediately and pursue Guardian status. Get the court to protect him from these people.

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score 2 · Answer 5

1) You need to be there with Dad for the visit.
This will take up the space they might be planning to invade.
2) Or, you could hire someone to be there.
3) All visiting reltives MUST stay in hotels nearby at their own expense.
Knowing this beforehand, they might just cancel the visit. It could be they just need a free place to crash to visit the area, and all the "extra" shenanigans just come with the criminals they are.

BTW, if you have any problems getting them to stay in a hotel, put Dad in a hotel, tent the house for termites during that week.

Tough Love.

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score 0 · Answer 6

I may be missing something here, but if you are in charge of all Dad’s finances, etc., how do the evil half-siblings get their hands on his assets? I agree though, that if Dad is still competent, he can make his own decisions and if they ask if he will give them the refrigerator to ship to Timbuktu, there isn’t much you can do. They are, after all, his children too, even if in name only. By all means, consult an Elder Law attorney. A lot of words to use come to mind, coercion, fraud, theft...

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score 2 · Answer 7

Yes, I'd see an attorney. I'd ask about ways to protect your father's assets. These people seem determined to interfere with his finances. It might be criminal to take advantage of a vulnerable adult.Do they know this? I wonder if you need an attorney to put them on notice. I'd feel very uncomfortable with them visiting, since it seems obvious they have their own motives. I would think there are some legal measures to protect your father that can be set up in advance of their visits.

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score 2 · Answer 8

I agree with Glad; consult an attorney specializing in Elder Law -- now, before the older kids show up. See how best to protect Dad from undue influence.

You don't live with your dad. Could you, for the week of your half-sibs visit?

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score 1 · Answer 9

Dad was just diagnosed so is still competent? He can make his own decisions. Is the POA in effect? Ie a standing POA. Or is it a springing POA that goes into effect if he is incapacitated? He should meet with his lawyer to see if there is a way to protect his current decisions.

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Preparing for sibling visit, how do I handle this?

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