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September607 Asked March 2018

I am bombarded by constant questions and requests...How do you explain things?

I'm going to bullet point my questions, so it's easier on everyone. Both parents in a locked memory unit, with varying degrees of dementia. *How do you explain that they have no $ left *How do you tell them you are having to sell the home? *what do you say when they come to your house for Easter dinner and they see some of their furniture? That you knew your mother would never want out of the family, so you brought it home. *How do you tell them they are in the nursing home forever, and will not return home (they have it in their head that it is only for 2 years, bc they read the initial diagnosis and at the bottom it said, "re-evaluate in 2 years". I am bombarded by constant questions and requests... I had to turn off their cell phones bc of the constant calling of friends and family, who have requested that they quit calling them. *they are free to call me anytime from the nurses station.

freqflyer Mar 2018
Sept, if both parents have Alzheimer's/Dementia, it is extremely difficult to explain complex things, such as selling a house or that they have used up their savings. If you are Power of Attorney then just do what you have to do for their best interest.

As for Easter dinner, when my Dad was in Memory Care, the facility had a fantastic Easter dinner, much better than what I could have done, so I made reservations for myself so I could eat with Dad.

JoAnn29 Mar 2018
I agree with FF. No amount of explaining will help. It will be forgotten and the question asked again. I explained nothing to my Mom. I did what I had to do. We always explained to Mom that she was now in a nice apartment. A place where there were people she could talk to and activities. Home can be anywhere their mind is. Usually not the last house they owned.

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anonymous144432 Mar 2018
I sit with mom and do "reports," lol, what's going on with this or that family member, what I did that day, report on the pets. If she asks about dad, I say he's getting ready for work or he's working in the yard. One of mom's nurses is great. If mom is especially agitated and demands her car keys, this nurse will jangle the keys in her pocket, get them out and hand them to mom for a minute, take them back, hug mom and tell her she's the keeper of all the car keys and is watching out for everybody. I heard her tell another dementia resident that she would take her "home" after her shift is over. You learn to go with the flow as much as possible.

Sueber48 Mar 2018
Redirect redirect redirect! My Mom used to ask me if I had seen her mother etc (she had been dead 30 years). I always said something like she was tired and resting. Then change the subject. My mother often thought her nursing home was a hotel. The simpler the conversation the better, food, weather, etc. Bring something with you to distract, I brought a picture (not too many), a catalog and asked her to help me pick an outfit, flowers, etc. Best wishes.

lovemymomma Mar 2018
I agree with the above. The only thing I would add is if you think the furniture might upset her you could always put it out of sight for a year? In a year things can change dramatically and or she might not recognize it. I would bring them home forEaster if you can. Just try and enjoy them while you have them here. I wish I had spent more time just "being" and enjoying with my mom who passed a month ago. The time worrying about EVERYTHING as I did when mom was in an assisted living with dementia, it goes quicker than you think. My advice is to hide the furniture and enjoy the holiday with your mom and dad. Plan simple activities that they enjoy. Let her help you cook if she can. Trust me, you will appreciate the memories you make with them in their "new normal". Hugs!

Sunnygirl1 Mar 2018
Good responses above. I'd also add that I would have a set list of responses in mind. Some things just work for most situations. I'd often say, "I've made that request and it's in the mail. I'm waiting on the paperwork. The accountant is working on it. We are in the middle of getting all that taken care of. It's all been resolved and the paperwork is on it's way. " Of course, she would forget what I said and I've have to go over it again sometimes a few minutes later, but, it satisfied her for the moment, and sometimes, all we can do is make them happy just for that short time.

Also, she might not remember the furniture, but, can you put a tablecloth over it, when she visits? Or, you could say you are storing some items while the floors were being  cleaned.

September607 Mar 2018
Your all right, explaining gets us and them no where (except I get frustrated). My husband was again tonight by my dad, "has my dr sent the letter reversing my diagnosis?" Ummm...what? And no. Bc that is not possible. He's always so hopeful, we hate to have tell him no...
I may look into the Easter meal at the facility, thank you for that idea!

sscoale Mar 2018
My mother just passed away of the effects of vascular dementia. As she was slipping away more each day, she would demand to make dinner, go “upstairs” to see my dad, and ask questions repeatedly - especially during the dreaded sun downing period. I found it best and most effective to remind myself that what mom needed most was a calm, comforting and safe environment. The “truth” doesn’t matter as it mainly frustrates all parties. The questions will be repeated regardless of the answers you offer. I kept kissing mom on the forehead, telling her I like bed her and that everything would work out - and then I changed the subject!

sscoale Mar 2018
I usually turned the conversation to something visual such a remarking about a beautiful vase placed near her or a painting on the wall - or I’d take mom for a walk around her neighborhood.

SueC1957 Mar 2018
Sept.,
The hardest thing isn't trying to explain things to them, it's trying to understand their disease. We are treating them (and expecting the same behavior from them) as we always have. It took me many months to realize my mother won't ever be back. 

I thought if I said it enough times or explained it differently, she would "snap back". Nope, that part is gone for good. 😢 I had to learn a new way to communicate with her (see suggestions above).

Instead of them joining your reality, you now have to join theirs.

At this point you should be doing a lot of reading on dementia (especially whatever type they have-Alzheimer's, vascular, Parkinson's, etc.) to familiarize yourself with common behaviors and the next stages.

How do you answer them? With whatever works. You will get the hang of therapeutic fibs, stalling, redirection and the like. It feels strange to treat our parents this way but they can no longer cope with reality. The main goal is to keep them calm and happy. Their brains are broken and they can not understand like they used to. Give them what they can work with that won't overload their limited capacity.

I'm sorry for you and your folks. It's a hard transition but one that has to be made.
This stage will give way to another level with other confusing behaviors and actions. 

It's best to be informed and supported. That's why we're all here.

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