Just a little background.....I feel like I would have to write a book to get everything in here that I want to say but if you are on this site........you all know the basics..... Maybe I really just want to vent........My sister, her husband (both are disabled and do not work outside the home) and myself (I still work) live with my parents while caregiving for both of them. My brother spends the night 3 days a week to care for dad during the night. My sister and BIL have him the other nights and during the day while I am at work. Our brother has made it pretty clear that he really doesn't want to be there helping to take care of them and thinks we are doing dad a disservice by having him at home instead of a facility. He made the comment that dad would have been better off if he would have died on the table while having the surgery that 4 doctors said they would not advice having. We are afraid that he will stop helping at some point and it feels as though it may be soon. He recently retired and told us he is NOT spending his retirement taking care of mom and dad. Dad is immobile a lot of times (due to the dementia and other physical problems, thus the surgery that is needed but not advised), we use a lift when his legs are not working well but try to have him walk as much as his legs will allow so he does not lose what little he has. Our brother cared for his MIL with dementia in his home but she was not immobile and did not have near the amount of issues that dad has. It feels as though he thinks he knows it all because he cared for his MIL but the issues are not anywhere close to being the same. Dad can not do most things for himself and my brother gets very frustrated and in a hurry with dad which only makes dad react in a bad way and in turn....my brother........we have been woke in the middle of the night a few times because they are having a screaming match that we have had to step in and stop because dad cussed at him or whatever happened this time and he is not going to let his dad treat him that way. Our mom was recently diagnosed with UIP for which there is no cure. She is on oxygen 24/7 and gets out of breath just talking or eating let alone anything that takes any amount of energy. She is feeling overwhelmed and guilty because she can't help take care of dad or with the house or much of anything. Our brother has been in her ear when we are not around and she is now talking about it may be time to put him in a facility. Mom and dad are both depressed and I'm sure they think often of end of life stuff now. I try to think of how I would feel....they have been married 67 years........I can only imagine how they feel knowing they are coming to the close of their lives. How have people that have had a difference in opinion on if a loved one should be put in a facility or left in their home come to an agreement? My other siblings and I believe at this point we are able to care for him as well as a facility if not better. They just don't have the number of people required to care for a person they same way that family can care for them. No fault of their own.......it seems to be the way of our society.
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We don't always get what we want...as the Rolling Stones sang. We sometimes get what we need. Your parents need dedicated helpers (and by dedicated, I mean people for whom that is their only job) and three shifts of helpers. You are admirable in trying to care for two elderly people who clearly need more care than you can comfortably give. Just don't let that care take your whole family down. I doubt your parents when they were young and healthy, would want that for their children.
When he bows out, you'll have 3 part time people caring for 2 elders. Makes even less sense.
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"My other siblings and I believe at this point we are able to care for him as well as a facility." Is that without your recently retired brother? Because you cannot make decisions for him, no matter who has POA. Count him out. That handwriting is on the wall.
Your mother, his wife, is now talking about it may be time to put him in a facility. Why can't you respect that? If she has healthcare POA, then it is her decision.
You think a facility does not have the number of people required to care for a person they same way that family can care for them. You know what? Neither do you, when Brother bows out.
My sister took more care of our mom very early on, I was working and traveling to help with a daughter's family out of state a lot at that time. I did as much as I could. After my daughter's family moved back in state, I was able to help more. As my mom progressed, my sister was less able to deal with the physical and behavioral effects and I took over more of the care. I now care for her 24/7. Through all of this out brother, who drives a big rig across country, had done no helping... And that is okay. He doesn't even come visit or call very often...I wish he did, but this is hope he deals with the loss of our mom as she used to be. We each have different capabilities. We need to be understanding of those.
I think if it is too much for your mom and one brother, for whatever reason, they should be able to opt out. If the rest of you can make it work, then you can keep him home. If not, find a nice care facility and you can still spend as much time as you have available with him.
The 3 siblings and an in-law having got this far working as a team and sharing the care pretty much fairly, I mean. That is some achievement, and you are a model of considerate co-operation.
And it already isn't working.
Your mother feels bad that she can't do more to help.
Your father is sometimes combative, and that usually happens because the person is uncomfortable, and that usually happens because there are not enough physical hands moving him.
When did you last have a proper break?
It isn't disproportionate because there are two of them and they are always at home, but your sister and BIL are contributing more hours than anyone else.
This really isn't ideal for anyone, is it? And it most certainly isn't for want of effort, goodwill and filial dedication.
And it will get worse.
Your brother is right. Moving your father into a facility where his physical needs are met by *teams* of *trained* professionals will improve the situation for your father, for your mother, for your sister and her husband, for you; and your brother has already given you fair notice. He's out of there come what may.
To repeat, he is right.
The rest is my opinion based on caregiving experience...
No one has an obligation to care for another family member just because they are family. Some family members are not suited to be caregivers no matter how much they love the one needing care.
As you have seen forcing or guilting someone into care-giving when it is not something they choose to do is not a good thing. If your brother doesn't wish to help anymore maybe you should consider letting him go his own way with love and best wishes?
In my experience "forced caring" for someone out of obligation, guilt etc usually leads to less than desirable care being given. Your brother is entitled to his freedom from care-giving roll and you are entitled to choose the caregiving roll for yourself but only for yourself.
What should really matter most is that the person being cared for are given proper care in a peaceful environment. When you cease to be able to provide that care it's a good time to look into other options. If your brother is seeing a lack of quality care happening maybe step back, ask him for specific things he thinks could be better and really listen to his answers. Sometimes we get so close and are so emotionally invested that another outlook is helpful.
Sorry to rant on, but I just really understand the frustration of disagreement on the best placement and that feeling of family we expect to be good helpers simply bucking the whole thing. As someone said, eventually you will not have enough hands, especially if your brother no longer wants to help. And I also agree you cannot force/expect anyone to help. Have you considered hiring some in home care a few hours a week? We started doing that and it does help relieve stress and pressure. But eventually if you run out of help, a care home really might be better option. I know we’re at that point...
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