How do I help my parents deal with my toxic grandmother?

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bluebonnet Asked March 2018

How do I help my parents deal with my toxic grandmother?

I am in my 30's, my parents are in their retirement years... and then there is grandma. She's not only a toxic person, but she's dangerous in a deceptive way- she's committed identity theft, embezzlement, fraud, etc... for years. Most of the family have relied on her schemes, except for my father and one uncle (who cut ties with her years ago). Currently, she and her second husband have only to sign the financial paperwork to move into an excellent (private, well-run) nursing home. They keep putting it off, because they don't want to pay. Instead they are pressuring my father to let them move in to my parent's house (which is handicap accessible, because of my mother's multiple health/ mobility issues). My mother has told my father she will leave him, if he lets his mother and step-father move in... with me (which would strain my marriage, but what is more alarming is my mother is 100% serious about leaving my father). I know my father is a generous and kind man. He raised me and my siblings to take care of our responsibilities. I know this is causing him health issues. I know he feels guilty. How do I help? I live out of state and am raising my own family, but a part of me wants to SCREAM at this toxic, b****h of a grandmother. She has only found my family worthy of her time when it was convenient for her needs. She has actively tried to break my parents marriage apart for over 47 years. She lies, cheats, and honestly if my father didn't love her I don't know if I would have any room in my heart for her. I want to tell her she is an adult and her lack of planning shouldn't put my father and mother in the lurch, but she would not care. Is there any way to help my father? my mother? even my grandmother?

Grandparent Guilt Relationships

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score 3 · Answer 1

You say that your grandmother tried over years to break your parents’ marriage. Does your father accept this? Can he see that this is one more attempt at the same? Can he see that the knock-on effect perhaps might break your own marriage? It might help your father if he can balance his sense of responsibility to his mother by looking harder at his responsibilities to you and to your mother. Forget about criticising grandma, focus on the innocent!

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score 1 · Answer 2

Many of us have struggled with the guilt feelings surrounding taking care of parents. My father would have been welcome anytime. My MIL - maybe. My mother - never. I think most of our parents have plans for assisted living centers, but they want to use us first if they are not stable parents. If your father is putting his mother ahead of your mother, help her find a good assisted living center with the help of the meanest attorney you can find. Your mother's health may improve with the nursing care she will receive, the structured meals she can have, and the friends she can find. When my father became ill, my mother had been married to him for 63 years. Her diamond jewelry alone would provide for a good assisted living center. However, she refused to learn how to help him or stay with him while he was ill. A spouse is supposed to honor his parent(s) without destroying his family. Your father needs to be reminded of that or it may be in your mother's best interest to get her out of the home. Best wishes

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score 1 · Answer 3

Your mom in the Assisted Living if she moves out, yes, yes, yes! My MIL divorced and wrangled a permanent payout - her ex's estate keeps trying to buy her out at a discount, but she wants that guaranteed income for life. I'm sure your mother's attorney can structure a deal where she gets to live in the beautiful Assisted Living for the rest of her life at Then-Current prices, not adjusted for inflation but adjusted for their price increases! Talk to her about this NOW so she is prepared, and she can go pick one (a very expensive one, indeed). If she has the financials ready to show dad, then he will see that 1) his wife is serious that he will be made to pay for being mama's boy, and 2) if grandma won't pay for her living expenses, HE will be paying instead. His choice! Super idea Barb!

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score 1 · Answer 4

If gparents have a place to go then Dad needs to tell them to go. I would not trust ur glom would steal from your Dad. I loved my cousin, we were more like sisters but...I would have never had her living with me because...She lied and stole. Your Mom has her own heath issues she Doesn't need the stress. Plus, the second husband probably a stranger and like attracts like.

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score 5 · Answer 5

Don't let your mom move in.

Tell your mother she needs to sign herself into a VERY expensive, well run private care home , paid for by your dad. And she needs to file for divorce and the means to pay for care for the rest of her life. Grandma is trying to ruin YOUR life, too.

Don't fall for it, any of you.

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score 3 · Answer 6

As toxic as your grandmother is, that's your dad's mom and he loves her. Having said that, it sounds like it would be a disaster if she were to move in with your parents.

There's really nothing much you can do except try to talk your father out of it but he's going to do what he wants to do in the end. If he still invites his mom to live with him when your mom is threatening to leave him, there's something more at play here than just your dad wanting to help his mom. Is he looking for approval from his mom? Did she withhold love when your dad was growing up?

If your dad makes the decision to place his mother's well being over his marriage something is wrong somewhere and it probably isn't anything you can help with.

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How do I help my parents deal with my toxic grandmother?

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